A YEAR IN REVIEW

As is everyone else in the entire world, I am reflecting on the past year…and I am struggling with it.  This year had ENDLESS ups and downs.  Looking back, I honestly can’t believe it all happened in just 365 days. 

I thought, maybe just to spare you and limit myself from infinite paragraphs of things to review, I would just do thirteen (because it was 2013 – get it?)  My hope is to put a positive spin on everything I list, but you may notice that some are a stretch!

Here we go –

 

Amy’s Top 13 from 2013 (in no particular order)!

13 – House Hunting. 

 

I chose this to talk about first because it is the most recent.  This year has led me to really feel ready to move out of my parents’ house and into my own.  I have spent the last few months really looking around and contemplating where I want to be and when.  Financially I am still figuring out what is realistic and to support that I am playing the lottery a bit more.  Just kidding.  But, I feel that if all the events of this past year hadn’t happened in the order they did or in the manner they did, I wouldn’t have felt the want or need to get out. 

12 – Moving. 

 

Obviously this goes with number 13.  As a family, we moved from my childhood home into a new, open, beautiful home in a 55+ community.  Yes, at 26, I live in a retirement community.  Have I mentioned I NEED to get out?  Kidding…kind of.  Anyway, I do love this house.  I love that I have my own space.  I love that I am less than a mile from my childhood house.  I love the paint colors of the new house.  I love that all five of us are living in the same house again.  However, all five of us are living in the same house again.  Five adults, with very different personalities, very different attitudes, and very different beliefs.  It’s tough.  So although I love my new house, love my family being together, and love living home, I ask you to divert your eyes back to number 13.  I am ready! 

11 – New Job. 

 

I finished out my year last year in Medford with so much support, great friends, and wonderful families.  I couldn’t have asked for a better school to be in during such a difficult year of my life.  I felt I could talk to many of my friends within the school.  Administration was understanding.  I had parent support.  I had students that cared.  I didn’t want to leave.  My time in Medford was wonderful and really molded me to be the teacher that I have always wanted to be.  Then, in August, I got hired in Haddon Township.  I was nervous, skeptical, and anxious.  From day one, they were welcoming, complimentary, and supportive.  I get to co-teach with two wonderful teachers.  I have made what I believe will be life-long friendships.  It is a very different district in terms of culture, diversity and socioeconomic status, which just makes me appreciate my job even more.  I am proud to work in such a caring district.  I still enjoy going to work everyday and can truly say I LOVE MY JOB!

10 – Christmas. 

 

Again, I know this is so recent, but this past Christmas exceeded last years in all ways.  Last year, we didn’t know where my sister was.  We were not sure if she was safe, if she was warm, and sadly…we didn’t even know if she was alive.  This year, she was safe, she was warm (although she is always cold), and she was very much alive.  She was more alive than I have seen her in years.  She was with the entire family on Christmas Eve.  She was the first one to wake up Christmas morning.  She was so thankful for every gift and every hug she got.  During our Christmas Eve blessing, my mommom thanked God for bringing our smiley, silly, and happy girl back to us this year.  Immediately, we all cried.  I’m not kidding, there were about 25 grown adults crying, crying the happiest of tears.  Last Christmas morning, my brother and I opened gifts from Santa, slowly and somewhat carelessly.  There was no spirit, no happiness, and no magic.  This year during Santa presents, we laughed, we joked, we smiled and we felt the Christmas magic that we deserved to feel.  I can’t thank God enough for his guidance in allowing my sister to be with us fully this holiday season.

9 – Addiction. 

 

I hate to go from a happy Christmas to the horrible sickness of addiction, but honestly, that is how my life goes these days.  From wonderful, happy bliss, to some days, what feels just like a black hole.  I have said it a bajillion times before and I will continue to say it until the day I die, I would not wish addiction on my worst enemy.  It is solely the hardest, most emotionally draining, aggravating, frustrating, heart-breaking, disease.  My mom drilled in our brains from the day we were born that we have it in our family, it doesn’t take much to become addicted, and she prays and hopes we will never feel the need to experiment.  Luckily, I didn’t.  Unfortunately, both my sister and brother have had and continue to have struggles with it.  I can’t speak for them or for any addict, I can’t speak as a parent of an addict, but I can speak first hand as a sister that has dealt with both siblings fighting the battle.  My heart breaks, my chest gets tight, and I fight tears every time the phone rings.  Every time the door bell rings.  Every time the door to my house opens or closes.  Every time either of my siblings are not home when they are supposed to be.  Every time I leave my purse in a different room than where I am.  Every time I can’t find my keys.  Every time I wake up.  Every time I go to sleep.  I live in a state of fear and anxiety for them.  Now, I am the happiest person I know.  I do love life.  I do have faith that things work out how they are supposed to.  However, I will never understand how this has happened to my family.  I don’t need to ask “why” over and over again, because I know God has made this part of our journey for one reason or another.  I will not question my faith, but I do question the disease.  I have been to an AA meeting with my sister and I felt that alone helped me get a grip on how my sister feels emotionally and physically as she struggles with this battle everyday.  I continue to pray and ask for your prayers.  Just to end this little (ha WAY long) paragraph, my mom said something to me this past week that put where we are in our own daily struggles with their addictions.  She said, “Pretend we are making a paper chain link.  All the good days are colorful and all the bad days are black.  Is our chain colorful?”  In the past six months, our chain has become more colorful.  Here’s hoping 2014 is full of color. 

8 – Travel. 

 

Lets go to a happier place.  This year I got to travel to Nashville and North Carolina.  Nashville was a dream come true with all the cowboys, country music and southern cooking!  I had such a wonderful time celebrating my best friend’s bachelorette party and spending time with great friends.  North Carolina was equally exciting because I GOT TO FEED A GIRAFFE!  I spent a full eight days away from home, headache free and feeling wonderful.  A year ago, I never would have booked this trip, knowing I would have had much difficulty getting through the first half of the trip, let alone a second part.  Since my surgery, I have successfully traveled and have booked a trip to Dallas in the spring. I am one lucky girl to be feeling well enough that I can now plan ahead with little to no fear.  J

7 – Weddings. 

 

When I look back on 2013, a lot of what I remember is engagement parties, bridal showers, brides, grooms, $100 checks, electric slides, and open bars.  None of which were my own, just saying.  Also notice not once did I mention having a wedding date.  Again, just saying.  Anyway… this was a happy year for so many of my best friends and cousins and I was so excited to be a part of their special days.  After eight weddings in 2013, I am getting a break in 2014 by only having five more, so far!  Who knew I had so many friends?

6 – Friends. 

 

Making a joke about how many friends I have, shouldn’t have been a joke.  This past year, showed me how many friends I really do have.  “Friend” is a term I used to use so loosely.  “My friend pumped my gas yesterday”, okay, he wasn’t my friend, but he said “Fill it up regular?” nicely.  “My friend Justin did such a good job on SNL last night!” Okay, again, JT is not my friend, but he makes me laugh like my friends, so I can count it right?  In all seriousness, this year I felt the love and support of true friends.  People I forgot existed reached out during my struggles this year.  People I haven’t thought about in years sent gifts.  People I haven’t talked to in months, visited.  These people define true friends.  If this surgery taught me nothing else, it taught me the importance of being there for others.  The most minimal action can change an entire day for someone.  I learned this first hand this year.  I feel that I am repeating myself a million times from previous blogs, but I plan to use all of my friends’ nice words and actions to pay it forward.  Friendship is an indescribable feeling.  I am so lucky to have so many old and new.

5 – Family. 

 

I can’t believe family is number five on my list, but I feel like I need to mention it before you all get bored of reading this (as if it isn’t already too late).  My family, immediate and extended has always been number one in my life.  I spend more time with them than many do with their own.  I enjoy my family, my aunts, my uncles, my cousins, and my grandparents.  They make me laugh, smile, and feel loved.  I am lucky enough to call so many of my family members, my friends.  During my surgery, my cousin in the Marines, came and surprised me in the hospital, which may have been one of my happiest moments in my life.  During my surgery, I got amazing gifts (including the hole for the head beach chair) to keep me entertained and comfortable.  Even months after the surgery, I am still getting nice texts and messages checking up on me.  I will never take my family for granted or the time I have with them.  Thank you for always being there for me and with me during my hardest days. 

4 – Surgery. 

 

In my opinion, my brain surgery defines my year.  I had brain surgery.  Me.  In my head.  A cow-heart.  In my head.  Big scar.  In my head.  So cool.  I can not believe it was just over ten months ago.  When I think back to the beginning of 2013, the pain, the agony, the frustration, and the fear I had, it makes me laugh.  Look at me now.  My abilities are endless.  I can eat dinner and not drop the fork.  I can keep water in my mouth.  I can brush my teeth without gagging.  I can hold a beer in my right hand and not drop it (usually).  I can walk through the mall without having to leave early.  I can shower without getting dizzy.  I can sleep through the night without waking up due to pain.  I can work an entire day of school and not have to come home to lay down.  I can live.  I really think I forgot what it felt like to be healthy.  I became so accustomed to my lifestyle of laying around, holding myself back, that I didn’t realize how much more I can really do at just 26 years old.  I thank my lucky stars daily for such a well-versed, understanding, and caring doctor.  I thank my lucky stars for a successful surgery with no complications.  I thank my lucky stars for my mom who had to bathe me and get me in and out of bed for about a month. I thank my lucky stars for the conversation starter I now have.   I thank my lucky stars for my pain-free, comfortable, and healthy life I am living now.  I thank God for giving me these lucky stars. 

3 – Happiness. 

 

The past few months I have been questioning my happiness.  Am I really happy?  Why do I feel sad and scared so often?  Am I putting on an act?  Can I really be this smiley when everything around me feels so broken?  I’ve found that the answer is yes.  I can be this happy.  I have so much in my life to be thankful for:  Parents who are always there for me.  Siblings, who despite their choices, do love me unconditionally.  Cousins who are my best friends.  Best friends who are like family.  A (nice) shelter, tons of food, plenty of clothing.  A job I love.  A God to guide me.  I have everything I could ever need.  Of course I can be happy.  Being happy doesn’t mean you don’t have dark days.  Being happy means trying to find the positive in all situations.  Being happy means seeing the good in all people.  Being happy means being patient with those who aren’t.  I’ve come to learn that everyone has their own “shit”, as I like to say.  Everyone is dealing with something.  Flashing a smile is all it takes sometimes.  There is a Sugarland song that says, “Happiness is something we create”.  I believe it.  There is “happy” in everyone.  You just need to find your own “happy”.  My happy is spending time with my family and friends, making people laugh, going to work, being on the beach, watching sports, driving with windows down and country music loud, and living a simple life.  If you do nothing else for yourself in the new year, I suggest you reflect and find your happy.  Everyone has it in them, and everyone deserves to feel it. 

2 – Faith. 

 

I have become more in tune with my faith this past year than any other.  When we were little, we always said our prayers at night before falling asleep with Mama or Daddy.  There was a routine to how we did it.  To this day, I use that routine prayer before I fall asleep, including “Keep me a good girl, happy girl, and healthy girl.”  God listens.  He has kept me good, has clearly kept me happy, and through many odds, a very healthy girl.  This past year, I have prayed morning, noon and night.  I have been selfish in my prayers and I have been giving in my prayers.  I believe He has guided me to see the light in all obstacles I have encountered this year.  I will honor Him in the upcoming year, by going to church more regularly.  I look forward to thanking God for all He has brought to me this year and the love He has shown me.  After making it through this very, very difficult year, I have become stronger in my faith and I couldn’t be happier about it.

1 – Hope. 

 

HOPE. HOPE.  HOPE.  I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I said hope this year.  I hope I don’t need surgery.   I hope my surgery goes well.  I hope I get a cute doctor.  I hope my recovery is shorter than expected.  I hope I can go back to work.  I hope I don’t get any more headaches.  I hope the ocean doesn’t hurt my head.  I hope I can be a dancing machine at all these weddings.  I hope I can go on my trip with no pain.  I hope I can shower again without tingles.  I hope I get a new job.  I hope my sister comes home soon.  I hope people will read my blog.  I hope the Phillies make big moves this offseason.  I hope Crosby doesn’t get another concussion.  I hope Succop makes this field goal so the Steelers can go to playoffs.  I hope my car doesn’t run out of gas.  I hope my sister has a safe trip to and from Boston.  I hope my brother doesn’t break his arm snowboarding or skateboarding again.  I hope my friends having babies have safe deliveries.  I hope my friends getting married are happy and beat the odds.  I hope no one judges my little baby hairs growing back.  I hope my strombolis come out good.  I hope….

 

I could go on forever.  Hope.  My hope has pulled me through.

 

But I hope (there I go again) you all realize that this year has been a constant roller coaster.  All of my days have been a roller coaster.  By keeping my hope and by vocalizing my hopes, I feel I have been able to get myself through. 

Sometimes I think to myself, what if I had a negative attitude?  What if I was saying, “I don’t want this surgery, I won’t get a cute doctor, I am going to be recovering forever, I won’t go back to work,  my sister will never get better, I am never going to get a job, the Phillies will never change their ways, my Stromboli will burn.” – Not what if.  I know if I had those negative thoughts in my head, that is exactly what would have happened. 

I believe my hope, my positivity, optimism, and happiness is exactly what got me successfully through the (what I hope to be) most difficult year of my life. 

I hope you all enjoyed reading my blog throughout 2013.  I hope to continue to write in 2014.  I hope you all know how happy I am to share my journey through my surgery and my recovery from Chiari Malformation.  I hope you all have a safe, happy, and healthy new year!  J