On this Independence Day Weekend, I found myself thinking about independence in general. Not in the way I am probably supposed to be thinking about it, like "thank you America for my freedom". But more so, "Thank you Mom and Dad for all the opportunities and support you have given me to have the skills to be independent." And honestly, this morning, I wasn't even thinking it in relation to myself, believe it or not, I was thinking it in terms of my sister. But, I will get back to that in a minute.
I want to toot my own horn and really my cousin Allie's horn for, once again, getting me to do something outside of my Chiari comfort zone. Back in February, Allie talked me into going to Vermont to go snowboarding. I was extremely fearful, if you remember reading that post, as those dang ski lifts are what I blame for the start of my Chairi journey. Last weekend, Allie (and my Aunt Kara - she deserves some credit too) asked me to go to Hershey Park for the weekend. We would do the park all day Friday, do Chocolate World, the pool and babysit the four kids while Ka, G, and another couple went to a concert on Saturday, and leave when we wanted to on Sunday. Kara actually asked me back in the beginning of May if I would be interested in the trip and I fed her a real excuse, "It will be the end of June, I will be on the beach, sorry!" But, when she frantically asked Allie the day before the trip, and we noticed the crappy weather heading our way, we both agreed it would be something fun to do for the weekend.
I say Al got me out of my comfort zone because a rule I made after getting the surgery, is that I would stay away from roller coasters. Don't get me wrong, I am not "Miss Thrill Seeker". I walked in the park and "noped" two of the new roller coasters. However, I do love a good roller coaster.
Growing up, the Great Bear was one of my favorites. The minute I saw it, I knew, there was no way I was going to comfortably ride it without triggering a "stupid headache" (as I referred to it much of the trip). Anything with a harness over your head, quickly became "noped". I was talked into Trailblazer and Super Dooper Looper. Although I have to admit, once was enough for both. I felt like the entire time the ride was in action, I was thinking about how my neck was placed, was my head moving, should I use my hands to hold it in place, and then reality would click in, heck no, that would mean I have to let go of this hand rail! At the end of the night, I was talked into the new indoor, glow in the dark, twisty roller coaster, Laff Trakk. It was the longest we waited the entire day, plenty of time to debate my choice of going on. I was justifying the whole time, it's new, it'll be smooth, it's fast, it will be over quickly, it is the last ride of the day and if I get a headache, oh well. I NEEDED to go on. I did. AND OH MY GOSH IT WAS AWESOME!
The doctor warned me to be very careful in amusement parks. It was not a "restriction", but more so what I call a cautious suggestion. I was cautious. I did not go on all the rides I wanted to, but I went on the ones that were going to prevent a headache from being triggered. I was still able to go an entire day of walking in a park, water park slides and swimming, and even ride on roller coasters. Two years ago, this whole trip would have been "noped".
On Saturday, I devoured Advil, many times. but so did Allie and my uncle. I had a headache and my body HURT, but I think it was more so exhaustion and dehydration. It never turned into a full on Chiari headache. I can truthfully say, it was an accomplishment for me, just like the 5k and snowboarding. A full day in an amusement park and riding roller coasters are both things I would never even consider doing. I am thankful for my family (especially Allie) who keeps "making" me do things that I am so hesitant to do. :)
Okay, back to the 4th of July and the idea of independence. Life is funny, comes to a full circle. I saw a Lion King quote today that said, "You need to find your place in the Circle of Life." Thinking about it today, I see how the people so close to me are all in different places in life. So weird, you are born, you are taken care of, you are taught to independently dress yourself, independently make your bed, independently make your lunch, independently walk into school, independently do your homework, independently drive, and then BOOM. Real world.
In college, I lived on my own, I was independent, right? HA! Mom and Dad got me a school loan, I did not do that independently. Mom and Dad paid for my apartment, I was not paying for that independently. Mom and Dad paid for half of my car that got me to and from school each day, something else I did not do independently. Mom and Dad kept my room in their house for me to come back to when I was feeling sad, excited, or just needed a break. I still NEEDED my Mom and Dad.
Yes, I made many of my own decisions at this time. I independently chose to be a teacher, even if I second guessed myself and spent a semester in nursing, and a summer questioning how I could be a teacher and a hair dresser. But, in reality, I, myself, made the choice to be a teacher. I independently made my friends. I independently grocery shopped with my money (except when I stole from Mom's house). I independently paid for my gas money. I had a taste of what independence was, but really, feel like I still have no idea.
After graduating was even worse. I needed my parents. I lived at their house. I ate their food. I begged for their support when finding a job was hard. I craved hugs to remind me that its okay that life feels tough. I used their storage to keep all my teacher things as I jumped from job to job. I needed help when it came time to figure out what the heck was wrong with my body. I needed Mom to drive me to appointments and understand what the next steps were. I needed her to call the insurance companies to understand what was being covered and what THEY would need to pay.
After the surgery, I was the least independent I have ever been. Mom was bathing me, feeding me, and both her and Dad were literally carrying me at times.
Now, I own my own house. But again, couldn't do it without my parents. I wouldn't have known how to begin the process, wouldn't have understood the mortgage process, wouldn't have known where to find half the paperwork I needed, and would have been scared out of my mind. I wouldn't have been able to take down the lights I didn't like, put in the new chandeliers, put in the ceiling fans, or throw a house warming party.
I thank God every day for the relationship I have with my parents and that they have taught me the skills to be as independent as I can at each stage of my life. I will never be able to put into words the appreciation I have.
Now, that being said (long and boring, sorry!) I want to give my sister a shout out. If you have read my blog before, you know she has struggles. She is an addict that has been through quite a journey fighting the disease. She has been independent to what I would say is a fault. She makes her own decisions and her own choices and does not ask for help from those that love her and support her. She has been very dependent on drugs and on people that were not good company for her. There have been many times that I am frustrated, angry and in all honesty, resent her.
But, in the last three weeks her independence has been a strength. She moved down to Florida with a friend. She made the plan completely on her own. I admit, I was very angry that she would want to leave the possible life she had up here with us, the people that love her most. As the time passes, I can see, it was best she left. It was best that she made the independent choice to leave. She had no money, no car, no job, she only had hope that this would be a better life for her. She was going to figure out how to live down there independently.
Then, she was in the hospital. She was yellow in color, horrible stomach pains and just not feeling "right". After a few days it was decided they would release her and she would need to see a GI doctor. Fast forward three weeks, and she just got her gall bladder out.
My sister is by herself. She independently made phone calls to find a doctor down there that takes her insurance. She independently went to doctor's appointments. She independently dealt with the fear, sadness and unknown. Yes, she has her friend and my cousin and uncle live near by. But, what about Mom? What about Dad? Jackson? and Me? How is she doing it?
I know this is just a difference of personalities. I am too close to my family and dependent and emotional. She is independent, brave and strong. I can not imagine ever doing any part of that process without the physical support of my family. Yes, we were here, 10 states up, calling and sending positive thoughts and prayers. But physically, we are here, 10 states up, with nothing to do but call and send positive thoughts and prayers. And, Maggie, she was okay with it.
So Mag, if you are reading this. I am proud of you. I am proud of the strength you had. I am proud of your independence during the process. I love you.
Independence is just a crazy thing. I look at my parents and how they both were so independent at such a young age. I look at my sister, brother and I, all my friends, cousins, and I see how different independence looks nowadays. I look at how different it looks for each of us. I also look at my grandparents. They have been independent since they were 17 years old. Now, as they get older, have more aches and pains and become a little more forgetful, they need to give up some of their independence and become a little more dependent on their kids. I watch my mom, aunts and uncles, wanting to help and not sure where the dependence line is drawn. Life is just so funny how it really is a full circle. Now Mommom and Bub, if you are reading this, don't read too far into this. We love you and just want you to feel better! ;)
I apologize to all my Chiari followers that are sitting here thinking, what the heck is this girl talking about, none of this has to do with Chiari or headaches. Actually, just writing this is giving me a headache. The way life works, its events, its obstacles, the reality of it all, is it is overwhelming. It can give you non-Chiari people a headache. Living life in pain, of any sort, physical like us Chiarians, emotional pain like many face, is hard. Living my life with Chiari, pre-surgery I was dependent. Dependent on my parents, on medicine and on ice packs. Living life with Chiari, post-surgery I am independent. Once again, I thank my parents, family, friends, and Dr. Vez for letting me be able to comfortably find my place in this circle of life.
I hate when I finish a blog and don't feel like I got my point across. I actually stopped writing for about three hours this morning because I had no idea how to conclude it. I still don't. This was more or less a post of me debating whether or not where I am in life is where I am supposed to be. I saw another quote when I was searching about the circle of life and independence. It said, "Be
The rain down here in LBI is crazy, my head is a bit tingly, and I just got to play with two three year olds which made my morning more fun. Like I said, I have no real direction to go from here and not sure what I want to end on, so I guess I will just say Hakuna Matata and have a happy, healthy and safe holiday!!! :)
