As I sit here, six o'clock on a Tuesday night, showered, debating dinner choices, and catching up on some of my favorite cop shows, I am also fighting a "slight headache", as I like to call them. It is basically the in between period where I am unsure what kind of pain I am feeling. Is this headache over my eyes? Is this headache sinus-y? Is this headache due to the rain that is coming tomorrow? Is this headache Chiari related?
Truth is, I probably won't know until middle of the night, when either a full force Chiari headache shows up. Or, I will get up to go to the bathroom and like my magic medicine (Advil) will have worked. I am hoping for the latter, ladder? You know, the second option.
I have been having a great month, almost two without a full-on, debilitating, stay inside, cancel plans headache. So, I really can not complain.
But, I am going to for a second. Mid-week last week (separate than the slight headache mentioned above) I woke up with one of the worst Chiari headaches I had in awhile. I was tingly, numb and uncomfortable. I debated leaving work and I haven't done that in over a year. I brought an ice pack to school, swapped from hot to cold compresses and tried to relax and keep my mind off of the pain. My eyes hurt, my shoulders hurt and I couldn't do anything but lay down. I got home from work at 3:45, fell asleep instantly, slept until 7:30. I woke up to watch Bachelor (priorities were still in check) but sat with an ice pack and head down for majority of it. I slept well that night with the aid of my drug of choice, Advil PM. I like the hard stuff, clearly. I did wake up the next day with a minimal headache but lots of tingles and pain in my neck and shoulders. All of this, very normal for Chiari. All symptoms from my past.
I've said it before, and I will say it every time one of these true Chiari headaches come on, I am thankful I do still get a little bit of the pain. It is a reminder that I was living with these symptoms, that pain, daily. That, now, only once every few months do I get a debilitating headache. How can I continue to complain? I will stop.
I went with the honesty title. I have mentioned before, my favorite quote, "Be Silly. Be Honest. Be Kind." I am always silly. I am my own best audience and I find that being silly not only makes me happy but it makes my friends laugh, my family smile, and my students give me extra hugs. Being kind is natural for me. I have come from an accepting, friendly and nice family. I grew up going to church, understanding the benefits of helping those in need, and the importance of spreading happiness and kindness. Although I am guilty of saying things out of frustration, quick judgement, or momentary lack of emotion, I do believe I am a kind person with a good heart.
Be honest. With who? When? How? Why? There are always so many questions to be asked when we say honesty is always the best policy. I do, however, feel that honest is the best policy.
Be honest with yourself. Most important. In the last few weeks I have seen my brother, my friend, my sister, and even myself go through the process of trying to be honest with ourselves, trying to find what it is we are looking for. Although we are all searching in different places, we are all looking for peace and happiness in this crazy, beautiful life.
My brother has been searching for his own inner honesty. Like many of us, he has spent years ignoring those negative aspects of his life, thinking they would sort themselves out, afraid to face the truths. But once he looked for and found the support he needed, he was able to get help to bring himself closer to the happiness, the peace that he needs and deserves.
My friend has been questioning decisions in her job, searching for the confidence to support the work she has done and continues to do. She, too, has looked for support from her co-workers, her peers, and those she trusts most. She is looking for the peace and happiness at her job.
My sister is and always has been struggling with honesty. Now, under much better circumstances than before. She is in the middle of a job search and needed advice on how much of her background to be honest with. Her honesty with herself, is now allowing her to further her honesty with others. All of this honesty, leading her to peace and happiness.
And then me. I take pride in always being honest.
But am I? I am THE least confrontational person I know. I am a pushover in the fact that "I don't care" is a normal sentence of mine and I truthfully mean it. I don't always just say, "nope, not feeling it" when I don't want to follow through with plans that have been made. I don't always say, "Hey listen, you are a nice person, but I am just not that into you."
That being said, I am always honest with myself. I have made it be known over and over again that being honest is so important to me, in work, in friendships and in relationships.
At work, I like knowing when I am doing a good job or knowing when I should have done something different. I also like being honest with myself in the way of reflecting on my work and answering the same questions. I like being honest with parents, with my coworkers, with my administrators. I hope that parents, my coworkers, and my administrators will forever be honest with me.
In friendships, at twenty-eight, it is hard to be honest all the time. Am I still as close with my friends that I thought I was? The answer is, of course. I am now in a mature friendship with my friends. I do not need to talk to them, see them everyday. I need to know they've got my back, they are there for me, they will be honest with me when I need them to be. And, even though I am not always a hundred percent honest as to why I don't want to go out on Friday night, I am thankful for those honest friends I have.
In relationships, honesty is so much more than staying loyal. I can't believe I am pretending to be able to talk about relationships considering I've literally never been in a "real" one. But, that being said, maybe this is why. I NEED communication. I NEED honesty. I NEED clear expectations. I know what I like, I know what I want and I know I deserve it. Therefore, the honesty is imperative.
HAHA! As I am sitting here typing this, a (married with kids) cable guy is fixing my TV. If you know me at all, the four days with no cable has been a nightmare. However, as he is sitting here fixing the wires he says to me, "Can I ask you something? I am sitting in your house, that you bought, right? You are 28 years old, a teacher, and seemingly a nice person with a great smile. You have more together than most 28 year old women. Why the hell are you not married?"
So many funny things about this. One, I apparently talk to much to strangers since he knows all of those things from the twenty minutes he has been here. Two, great question stranger. As I stared at him, laughing hysterically, I couldn't even come up with an honest answer. I am picky? No one is as cool as my dad? I am content in my life and don't need anyone? I know what I want and haven't found it? I went with, "Good question." I am still cracking up.
Then, I went to the dermatologist this afternoon. I waited for an hour until he came in, but was smiley and giggly when he did. He said, "Oh my goodness are you really always this happy and positive?" I smiled, said, "Of course!" He looked at my mom for reassurance, and she said, "Yes, she really is." He turned to me and said, "Will you marry me?" I laughed and he said, "But really, you aren't married? How!?"
Thats how it happens, isn't it? Everyone gangs up on you at once? Just kidding, I feel so lucky that people get that impression from the first time meeting me or from the quick visits once a year. As I type that, I am wondering if that it is after the second meeting, after the second date that I become "too much". Just teasing, again. Life is great.
I know this blog was a whole lot of...well nothing Chiari related. But sometimes when my mind in going crazy, in a thousand directions, a quick vent, or three week vent, is all I need to prevent a headache from occurring. I hope those of you that know me, know that I had a smile on my face while I wrote this whole thing. I am not taking life too seriously, that I am just organizing thoughts in my brain. For those of you that don't know me, just know that we all are a little crazy and we all have our shit.
Most of all, I hope you all agree, that in all honesty, life is good.
