Running. I did run the Phillies 5k. Ran. The whole thing. I was on such an adrenalin high afterwards, that in understood why people enjoy it. I have never been a runner. I don't enjoy it, but in that moment, I felt like a runner, who in fact, enjoyed it. Before my surgery I never would have considered running any distance. And by choice? No way in hell. After the race, the girls and I went out and got a drink to celebrate our individual victories. I couldn't have done it without them.
And yet, the next 52 hours, I was in pure pain. I slept for about 24 of them, laid around with ice on my neck and shoulders, and cried a lot. That being said, I refuse to believe it was the run that triggered this headache. I believe that in my excitement and crazy stances I may have lashed my neck forward, I may have strained my neck carrying that heavy medal around it or maybe I even sneezed! I wanted to complain. I really did. But, I couldn't. I was so proud of myself. I took those two and a half days as a reminder of why I had the surgery. It was a reminder that this is how I was living pre-surgery. Feeling disabled like that, was my daily life. Two days, no big deal. Since those 52 hours have been over, I have run equal distance and time with no problems. I can enjoy my runs without fear of a disabling headache. Yay.
So 5k race, check. Hosting a housewarming party, check. 2nd Brainiversary, check. Pens clinch a playoff spot tonight, hopefully check. Phillies started playing again, check. Nice weather should be moving in, check. I work with my best friends, check. Got a cool giraffe shirt in my Easter basket, check. Seemingly, things are going well.
And yet, again, my sister is not doing well. All over the internet today, there are updates and statuses about national sibling day. It makes me sad. I know, I know, made up holiday. But, shouldn't every day be sibling day? Shouldn't you be able to call your sibling to talk about a new song that is out or go out to eat your favorite hot dogs? Shouldn't you be able to open your Easter baskets alongside one another, celebrate birthdays? Shouldn't you be laughing about that time we were driving on the wrong side of the road or when we hit the duck? Shouldn't it be easier for me to think of happy memories to write about? Shouldn't I be excited to show off a picture of us 3? I'm not.
I'm sad. I'm scared. I'm jealous. I'm mad. I'm angry. I'm sad that you chose to leave a safe place. I'm scared for the life you will lead now. I'm jealous you have chosen to love something more than us. I'm mad that you have left us. I'm angry that I'm writing this as if you no longer exist.
Lastly, I'm hopeful. Less so than I used to be, but I continue to have faith. Faith that He will keep you safe. Faith that He has a plan for you. Faith that He will help you find happiness. Faith that He will help us four find forgiveness.
And to my brother, thank you for being there to call when I have a new show to tell you about. Thanks for listening to me yell at you for silly decisions. Thanks for loving chips and dip, the Penguins and the shore as much as I do. Thanks for being funny, confident, and loving. Happy siblings day to you Dewey. I love you.
After spending a family filled, overly lazy, paperwork doing, rainy. crappy eating, Troy Polamalu retiring, non-exercising spring break, I am very ready to get back into my routine. As I mentioned many times in my earlier blogs, anytime that I have a lack of structure (especially combined with dreaded rain) I find myself overanalyzing, lonely and anxious. That's not me. I'm ready to get back to what I love, my job, my best friends/coworkers/therapists :), and of course my kiddos.
So, here I am finishing up and realizing I never came full circle, to my running in circles title. I guess that's how I feel. That I'm constantly moving in a circle, in all obstacles of my life. I have these ups and downs and ups again. I start all my paperwork, finish it, and have to start again. I clean my floors, walk on them, have to clean again. My sister does well, and then we start back at the beginning again. I start to date someone I like, but end up back where I started. The Phillies allow 6 runs, get two, and allow two more. I grocery shop, eat, have to go again. I feel excited, lots to look forward to, hit anxiety, then start over again. I sleep well, have sleepless nights, and catch up again. I know, I know, this is life. Just somedays, I wish I could walk a bit more of a straight line.
Oh well, ending on a positive note, looking forward to warm weather, Phillies winning a game, Penguins clinching, spring clothes and longer days!
