Went to lunch with Mom, Dad and Jackson today and on the way home, Mom asked what my afternoon held. I said, "Eh, I think I might go write a blog." She said, "You feel a blog comin' on!" I laughed. I use that phrase "I feel a blog comin' on" almost every time that I, well, feel a blog coming on.
Its almost like I get to a point that I want to share what has happened, is happening, or might happen. It is like I organize all my thoughts in my brain and decide what is important to write and what can be left out. Okay, if you have read previous posts, you know that the thoughts aren't very "organized", but at least I know what I want to say.
Actually, as I am writing that introduction, I am realizing, I don't even really know why I decided I wanted to write this weekend. Things in my life are pretty constant right now, which is funny because for the first time in probably years I can say that.
As far as Chiari, it has impacted me slightly more than less lately. I have had headaches and some tingles. My ice pack has seen a little more action than it had all summer and I have stayed in once or twice due to the headache. I did also have a 24-hour followed by a horrible head cold for the past two weeks. The head cold itself wouldn't have been so bad, however the minute I got into a coughing fit, a Chiari headache was triggered. It reminded me of pre-surgery, when I would sneeze and be down for the count for the next 48 hours. Luckily, after a good nights sleep, the headache did go away, but it was a rough 12 hours for me.
When I went snowboarding (Yes! I did it!) I successfully got on and off the ski lift every time. The mountain we went to was gorgeous, with unbelievable views and the softest snow I have ever felt. When I fell, it was like I was falling on clouds. After not being on a mountain in three years, and never really being good at the sport, I was very hesitant the first few times down the mountain. Luckily, my cousin and the rest of the people we were with were very patient. I made it down the small mountain two times without falling and with ease. Then we went to the longer trails. These were so fun. Allie spent time with me, helping me gain confidence in using my front edge. By the time I went down for the sixth or seventh time, I was fully confident. Then, I was too confident. I got the speed and started going, hit a small icy patch (leave it to me to find the only one on the mountain), the board went up, and my lower back and butt went down. I laid there. The thoughts going through my head, "Am I okay? Can I move? What hurts? Is Allie yelling my name?" "I'll be okay in a minute," I yelled down to her as I lifted my body to an upright position. I got myself up, but it took a lot of effort and it hurt, bad. I did do two more runs with them, but decided to sit in the lodge during their last two runs. I think it was the right decision. The good news was it never triggered a headache even though I fell hard. The bad news is that I can still feel the pain in my lower back, especially when getting in and out of the car and putting on my socks. Ouch.
Switching back to Chairi for a second, even though I was slightly complaining, I honestly can't believe all I am capable of compared to where I was. Thinking about my days, waking up, getting ready, teaching Kindergarten, running at lunch, teaching Pre-K, going to a meeting, tutoring, having dinner with family or friends, babysitting for a bit, not getting home until 7:30-9:00. Never. I wouldn't have been able to do it. Ever. Now, I really can survive a normal day with no pain. I try to put it in perspective when I have a slight headache, this is how a normal 27 year old lives. It is normal to have the occasional headache, who doesn't? I am normal.
Total side note, one of my aides in my morning class sent me an email last week, that she said made her think of me. It said, "I tried to be normal once. Those were the worst two minutes ever." Cracked me up. I think she meant it as a nice thing. ;)
If you have read my blogs before, you know one of my favorite sayings is "Everyone has their shit". We got talking about this again at lunch today. We, Mom, Dad, Jackson and I, live in a world of addiction. It is not a secret. We, as a family, have never kept it a secret.
My sister is an addict. She struggles daily with making the right choices and with battling this disease. I whole-heartedly believe she wants to do right in the world. She wants to be the caring, passionate, handy, strong, beautiful, and hysterical daughter and sister she once was. She is battling this horrific, appalling, sickening, hellish, selfish, disease.
But, so are we. We didn't smoke the first joint, pop the first pill, or put a needle in our arm. But, we have been in this with her from the beginning. At first enabling her, then practicing tough love, trying to achieve forgiveness, and most recently, accepting.
I am accepting the fact that I can not, nor can Jackson, or my parents, or my grandparents, or cousins, or aunts or uncles, her old friends, or her old boyfriends, change her. We can not make her want to get better. We can not make her want to spend time with us. We can not make her stop washing her hands ten times an hour. We can not stop her from picking at her hands and toes. We can not help with her OCD tendencies. We can not help her budget her money. We can not get her a job. We can not stop her from buying her drug of choice. We can not care more than she does. I have accepted it.
Acceptance doesn't mean I am not angry, mad, furious, hurt and very sad that my sister is a stranger to me. Acceptance doesn't mean that I don't think about it daily and that I don't still cry over it. Acceptance doesn't mean that I don't question God sometimes asking why he has chosen this plan for my family. Acceptance doesn't mean that I don't question my own actions sometimes, still asking what more can I do.
Acceptance means I have learned what I CAN do, what I CAN control. I can pray for her. I can send her a nice message to remind her I love her. I can remind her that rehab is a safe place for her. I can remind her I hope one day she will be in my wedding. I can remind her that I want her to be around to be an aunt to my children some day. I can understand that supporting and enabling has a fine line and I do not want to cross it. I can live my life doing the things I love with those I love. I can spend time with my mom, dad and my brother, knowing that we are all in this together and are there to lean on one another. I can accept that fact that we are all still in this together.
Addiction is a thief. Addiction has stolen the love from my sister and replaced it with obsession. Addiction has stolen reality and clarity from my sister, and has her living in a foggy, falsified world. Addiction has stolen my sister's future and has now placed her in a stand-still world. Addiction has stolen my sweet, silly, smart sister from me and replaced her with an unrecognizable person. Addiction has stolen some of the great, genuine memories of her and replaced them with miserable, messy nightmares. Addiction can only be replaced by recovery, and unfortunately, recovery has to be her choice.
I will always love the addict, but I will forever hate the addiction.
I apologize for turning this what is supposed to be positive, Chiari-based blog into an addiction rant, but this is the truth. This is the "shit" that my family has. We discussed at lunch today the importance of sharing our story. We are not ashamed of our story, we hope it will help others.
As always, I believe life is good. God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers. My family has been fighting quite an ugly war, but only to prove we can handle it. We support each other, we love each other, and we still want only what is best for one another. We have stuck together through breast cancer, brain surgery, and on-going addiction. We will stick together through whatever God chooses to bring on as the next obstacle.
I feel like I mentioned once before, prayers before bed as a little girl. My favorite part being when Mom or Dad would say, "Keep the girls good girls, happy girls and healthy girls, and Jackson a good boy, happy boy, and healthy boy." I continue to say this prayer everyday as I believe in the simplest way, it tells God what my parents want most for us.
I have written many blog posts about hope and how much I believe in it. Today, I hope my sister will enter recovery again. I hope my headaches subside again. I hope my Mom stays in remission. I hope my brother continues to make the right decisions. I hope dad puts sunscreen on when he goes golfing. I hope the groundhog was wrong. I hope Hunter Pence breaks up with his girlfriend. I hope Orange is the New Black comes back sooner than later. I hope I get to go on an airplane soon. I hope I make a change in some of my student's lives. I hope I can spread happiness with just a kind smile. I hope I always believe life is good!
Lastly, BRAINIVERSARY IN JUST TWO SHORT WEEKS!!! YAY!!! :) February 28th will be two years since my surgery. Time flies when you feel good! I think my brainiversary is now my second favorite holiday, behind my birthday. I am having a housewarming party (finally!) on my brainiversary. I decided it was a good way to celebrate all the accomplishments in the last two years! So excited!
As always, thanks to all my peeps!
