I have spent the last two months literally feeling out of my mind and out of my body.
There have been so many changes in my life and daily routine, that I just feel like I am standing on the outside watching someone else live my life.
I am living by myself in a house that I bought. It is such a bittersweet thing for me. If anything I have learned that I, in fact, don't do well alone. I get inside my own head and have a lot of trouble getting myself back to some sanity. I have kept myself very busy over the last few months. I have agreed to do a lot of extra work things, spent time with old friends, happy hour with new, and agreeing to almost any plans that I am approached with.
Don't get me wrong, I love being busy. But, I miss being able to just sit, watch TV and let my mind get lost in Jax Teller's eyes or in Chandler's humor.
Half the time, I don't even know what I am thinking about. Does that make sense? Literally as I was typing that I started thinking about what a rhetorical question is and if what I just asked counts as one, looked up and thought where did I put my water, wait, did I switch my sheets, I want to take some Advil, ew I don't remember Leonard and Sheldon getting a cat, OH MY GOSH DID I PAY THAT PARKING TICKET?
Seriously? Is this what happens to grown ups? How do people have jobs they don't love? How do people have kids to take care, dinner to make and a house to clean all at the same time of these other thoughts?
I know my life isn't tough, and I hate to complain. I am just in such a funk.
I am one of the most confident, happiest, funniest people I know and yet I feel like my crazy mind has taken over everything I have ever been confident, happy, and funny about.
I know buying the house was so huge and exciting, but then I question, should I have gone south now since I have nothing holding me back here? I know living alone is good for everyone to do once in their life, but then I think who the heck is going to listen to my stories tonight!? I know being confident in who you are is a key to finding someone, but why do I feel so lonely? I know I have a full time job next year, but what am I teaching? My sister is doing okay, but why do I always feel so angry? The Phillies, why do they suck so bad?
I know this all sounds like a negative post, which is not my favorite thing to do but there is an optimistic angle. Promise. The bright side of all these uneasy feelings is that I can complain about these things. It is funny. For the last twenty four hours I have had a horrible headache. It has caused me to feel very weak and tired. But, it isn't a Chiari headache. Just a sinus or allergy headache over my eyes. No big deal, except it does hurt...
I just sat here and wrote an entire blog about other things than my headache. That is how I know my surgery was still the best decision I made (or that was made for me).
Yes, I do still get headaches, occasionally tingling, and often drop things out of my right hand. From what I read and hear, it is all still very normal. I am not worried, it does not affect my day to day life by any means, and I am sitting here capable of rambling complaints like the average twenty six year old!
As I have always said, Life is Good. I have family that supports me even through these crazy, not so happy times. I have great friends and coworkers that have become friends. I have a shore house to escape to every weekend. I have a roommate moving in soon. I have four weddings and a few bachelorette parties coming up in the next few months with some great friends. My cousin is coming up a few times this summer to visit from North Carolina. I have a job I look forward to going to every day. I made out with professional hockey player and I don't care who knows it! :)
I know I need to get out of my own head, bring the confidence, happiness, and humor back into who I am. I can't get lost in these looney thoughts that I have very little control over.
I went through brain surgery, with a confident smile and laughed much of the time. I know I can get through this little road block in life with the same confident smile and laugh all of the time, just need to put it all in perspective sometimes.
There is a guy I follow on Instagram named Tyler Knott Gregson and he posts thoughts in fancy typewriter font. I swear sometimes he is just in my brain, taking all the rambled thoughts and putting them on paper in a rhythmic, sense-making, poetic phrase. This one, being one of my favorites, seems so simple and however if I were to phrase it, it would sound like AHHHHHHH.
"Sometimes, you just cannot sigh deep enough."
He just gets me! :)
