I am sitting here. Unsure. Unsure how to start this blog. Unsure of why I chose to write one in this moment. Unsure of how honest to be. Unsure of myself.
Amy Has a Headache was a blog I decided to write to put a positive spin on Chiari, the before, after and all between. In my opinion, I have done a good job of doing that. Chiari can suck it. It hurt, I fixed it. It caused me to live limitedly, I am now living free and easy. It was a major obstacle in my life, I overcame it.
However, I am sitting here finding myself wanting to ,once again, vent about another disease affecting my life. It's not my disease and yet it affects my health, my family's health daily.
Addiction. I have said it before and I will say it forevermore. I would never wish addiction, of any sort, on anyone.
In my last post I mentioned the colorful chain I was hoping for in 2014. This past weekend, unfortunately, added two black links. My sister continues to struggle with her battle and as are we. She believes we are naïve, that we don't see the things she does ... right in front of our eyes.
Addicts are full of fear. Actually, as I am sitting here typing that... I think I mean I fear addicts. I fear what she is capable of. I fear of what she thinks. I fear what she feels. I fear her actions. I fear it will come to her being back on the streets. I fear she will end up in jail. I fear she will not be able around in a few months. I fear she will never get a chance to be my maid of honor. I fear I will never want her to be around my future children. I fear there will be a time we don't find her, or worse...we will, too late.
I have been dwelling on these thoughts the past 24 hours. How do I make myself at peace with this? How do I help my family get through this? How do I continue living the way I love to, with a heart-felt smile on my face? How do I support her with the amount of anger and resentment I have towards her? How do I help someone that isn't willing to be helped?
Then, I saw... my girl, Julianne Hough, posted something on social media today that said:
"Make today more beautiful by uplifting a stranger's day."
Exactly. How many times have I said, "everyone has their shit"? Everyone is going through something. Some, dealing with exactly what I am dealing with. Some, dealing with deaths or illness in a family. Some, dealing with divorce or heart break. Some, problems at work. Some, dropped their coffee this morning. Some, running late. Some, just having a bad day.
I don't know what the lady sitting next to me at church is dealing with. I don't know what the Dunkin Donuts drive thru attendant has going on. I don't know why that person on the road cut me off or why they are in a rush. I don't know how the guy pumping my gas is feeling today. I don't know, but...
After I saw the quote I found myself thinking back to the MANY things that strangers have done to make me smile, when they too, had no idea what I was going through. For starters: someone sharing a smile, someone complimenting my new boots, someone letting me in front of them as I try to merge, someone in line allowing me to go first, someone in line before me paying for my coffee, someone in the craft store handing me something they made, when wearing a jersey - someone saying "Go Steelers", someone telling me I look like a celebrity (Penny from Big Bang among one of my favorites!). How simple are these things?
Why shouldn't I take the challenge to make a stranger's day better? Didn't I preach that during my surgery? Didn't I say a bajillion times that the random acts not only from people I know, but even more so those random acts from strangers are what kept my smile through it all?
Why aren't I practicing it more? How can I practice it more?
I don't have the perfect answer yet. But, for now, I will continue to flash my smile at a passer by. I will continue to use kind words. I will continue to compliment. I will continue to share my positive stories. I will continue to make silly comments. I will continue to laugh out loud. That is where I will start.
How will you?
