It has been another busy week since I last blogged. Last week, I was inspired to blog by the bright sunshine, my hot coffee, and Luke Bryan on the radio. Today, however, my headache and rainy weather have, well...inspired me to update.
Before I go on, I need to remind you that I do have Seasonal Depression (self-diagnosed), but will do my best to be as upbeat as I have been these past ten days.
For starters, we are all moved in! The new house is beautiful and is starting to feel more "homey". I did a lot of lifting, a lot of moving, and a lot of organizing...more than I ever expected I would be able to do. Admittedly, I needed Tylenol around the clock and sometimes an extra dose. I continued to use my ice packs while relaxing. Monday of last week, was complete chaos with movers in an out of the house, appliances being delivered, people stopping by, mom and dad opening box after box trying to decide where things go, cable guys coming in and out, security systems being installed, etc. The house was so out of order and felt overwhelming. We did as much as we could that night and slept comfortably that night.
Tuesday and Wednesday, my sister was home. As I have mentioned many times before, my relationship with my sister has been on the rocks for the last few years. What I have come to realize is, I didn't have a relationship with my sister. I had a relationship with her horrible, nasty, ignorant addiction. This past week, my sister came home. Not the addiction. It was the most pleasant surprise. We went shopping, got coffee, she straightened my hair, went out to dinner, watched TV, and jammed out to music in my car. (YES I DROVE!!!) It was wonderful. I have a sister again. She comes home again in a few weeks for a few days. I can't believe the words are being typed right now, but I am looking forward to it. I am not saying she is perfect, but I am hoping, with every part of my being, that things are only going to be looking up from here on out!
This past weekend I spent a night alone. I babysat for my two cousins for a few hours and it went well. I was very anxious doing this, but realized once I was there that I shouldn't have been. They were very well behaved and it was a great distraction to my boring day. Afterwards, I had friends over, but slept at home alone. I am not good at being alone on a normal day. I never have been. I was slightly nervous, especially being in a new house, but I did well.
Saturday I went out with high school friends for lunch and shopping for a wedding registry. I talked the girls into letting me use the registry gun. Seeing that one is getting married any day and the other will be engaged any day, I played the "We don't know if I will ever get the chance to do this" card. It worked! It was fun and again, felt so NORMAL. I was feeling great. It was beautiful out, I had a fancy drink at lunch, and I was spending time with friends.
Saturday night I had planned to go out with my friend, but ended up feeling tired and had a slight headache over my eyes. Instead, went to bed early and got a great night sleep. Waking up Sunday, I was refreshed and spent another busy day unpacking the rest of my boxes, got my giraffes a spot on the shelf, visited with my cousin, and went shopping for house goods with mom and dad. I took a total of three doses of Tylenol, including my dose before bed. It was the least amount of medicine I have taken since the surgery in one day! I went to bed last night feeling tired, but feeling proud.
I kicked brain surgery's butt. Here I am. 8 1/2 weeks post surgery, and ready to go back to work. I feel good. I feel great. I feel so much better than I ever expected to this soon. I have yet to have a Chiari headache. The tingling in my fingers and feet have disappeared. My Woody Arm, gone. I haven't dropped much since, and rarely fall anymore. I have an occasional tingle in my lip, but nothing that affects my daily living.
I am tired. But, I am also pretty bored. Hence the reason, I can not wait to get back to work. As I have said MANY times before, I work well with routine. Knowing that as of Wednesday morning, I will be getting up each morning and seeing my kid's smiling faces, excites me. I ran into one of my student's parents a few days back and they said to me, "Going back to work doesn't seem so bad when you love your job, does it?" He couldn't be more right. It is funny, when I left in February, I was so ready to be done and the idea of spending time at home relaxing felt like a dream. I was worried about not wanting to come back after surgery. Two months ago, I was in pain. A lot of pain. I didn't want to go to work because I was hurting, always. Now, I am not hurting. I want to work. I want to work because I love my job, and you can only relax for so long before it feels like a dead-end job.
Okay, all that greatness being said ... today I am hurting. I do have a headache. A different one than I have had during this recovery. It is not focused over my eyes. It is located in the back of my head. Now, I have not had a Chiari headache since the surgery. I don't want to believe that this headache is related to Chiari. Maybe it is, but I am blaming the weather. It is nasty. Cold. Rainy. My Seasonal Depression is kicking in. IT is the reason for this dreaded headache. I won't let it discourage me. Mom reminded me earlier that headaches are a real pain to Chiari-free people also. I am doomed to have a headache once in awhile, that's just life! So even though today is no fun, tomorrow is a new day and hopefully the sun will shine brighter for me.
I know this was a pretty boring post and my humor isn't shining through. My Seasonal Depression has apparently taken that from me today too. But, I hope through the play-by-play of my week, that it was obvious that I am feeling better than I have felt in months. I am back to an almost normal routine. I am feeling excited and encouraged going back to school! I still can't say thank you enough to all of the support and positive thoughts that were sent my way during this long journey. I am one lucky girl and I am truly blessed.
:)
Monday, April 29, 2013
Sunday, April 21, 2013
What Would Carrie Bradshaw Do?
Here I am! When I started this blog, I was inspired to write daily. The past two weeks, my mom, cousins, and friends, have all asked me why I haven't blogged at all. My answer, "My life is boring! I have nothing to write about now!" As a writer now ;), I find myself admiring Carrie Bradshaw when I watch Sex in the City. She has to constantly find inspiration to write her columns, by going out with friends, meeting men, eating, etc.
Now, I am still stuck at the shore (1 more day!) without friends, and we all know how I am with meeting guys, so, as I sit here, with a full cup of coffee, Luke Bryan Pandora playing and looking out at the bright sunshine, I decided THIS is my inspiration today. I can definitely come up with somethings to tell you about the past two weeks.
Let's start with my pain...or in all honesty, pretty much lack there of. I am amazed at how much I am able to do just 7 weeks out of brain surgery. I am able to sleep more hours in a night without waking up to take Tylenol. I can shower myself and brush my hair. I have been taking longer walks with mom and biked many times. I carried a new rug into the new house yesterday (in my right hand). I drove a short distance. I even had a beer!
That being said, my incision itself is extremely itchy. Around the incision is still very red and raw. All of the glue (the dark brown gross stuff) has come off, leaving what now looks like a very clean scar. It always makes me laugh when I show people and they tell me what it looks like. I think it is ironic that it is on my body, yet I NEVER see it, unless I ask someone to take a picture for me.
I do feel it. Everyday, all day. I get frustrated with myself when trying to find the words to describe the sensation that I feel from it. It is very tight, has a lot of pressure around it, itchy, irritated, and tingly. When I say that I feel it everyday, all day, I don't feel all of those sensations at once, but it is like they take turns coming throughout the day. With Tylenol and an ice-pack, I am able to easily manage the pain.
Enough so, that I plan to go back to work on May 1st! I can't even begin to describe the excitement and happiness inside of me as it gets closer. I went to my school's Art Show this week and ran into many of my students and their parents. Each time I heard them say they missed me and every hug I felt, reminded me how easy of a transition back into the classroom this will be. I love my job. I love routine. I love having things to look forward to. I love surprises. The students in my class, provide me with a routine daily, I look forward to their smiling faces (almost) every day, and they are six and seven, they EASILY surprise me all the time. So, if all I need to do to get back to work is bring a little Tylenol and throw an ice-pack into the faculty room freezer just in case, consider it done. I CAN'T WAIT.
As I mentioned above, we have one last day at the shore before we move into the new house! For being 25, I have been to one too many settlements in the last month. We did FINALLY settle on the new house on Thursday of this week. My uncle's company laid floors (which look beautiful) on Friday. The moving truck comes on Monday! I am now very excited to get back to a routine at home and to see how everything comes together. Yesterday, Mom, Dad and I did A LOT of shopping. A LOT. They were tired, you can only imagine how I felt. We bought blinds, house numbers to put on the mailbox, rugs, and the dreaded lights and ceiling fans. I say dreaded for one reason and one reason only. To buy lights and ceiling fans, you need to look UP. My head, neck, and brain, do not like the motion of looking UP yet. This, I learned quickly yesterday. We did finally pick everything out and found a mirror for my bedroom. It was a tiring, yet successful day and really made me SO ready to move in officially.
As if moving into a brand new house and still recovering from brain surgery isn't enough, this week is going to get a little more hectic. My sister is coming home from Florida for 24 hours on Tuesday. She has some things to take care of here. I would be lying if I didn't say I fear this stay and am very anxious about it, as I am sure she is too. One, we are in a brand new house. Two, I personally haven't seen her in over six months. Three, she and I both work a lot better with structure and routine and nothing about the next week with be routine or structured. Four, it will be her first time back here since she started her recovery. I am sure it will go okay and I am trying not to project, but a few extra prayers that it is a smooth trip for her and my family would be appreciated.
In light of the tragedies this week, I found it very difficult to handle my emotions. I had a "sad" day on Tuesday. I was feeling very overwhelmed, tired, and mentally exhausted. I wasn't able to put into words what it was that was making me feel that way. I am a dreamer. Not like a Martin Luther King, Jr. dreamer, more like a "Why am I running from dinosaurs?" kind of dreamer. Since 9/11 I have dreampt of terrorists more times than I can count. This past week I, understandably, have dreampt of many different scenarios where many of my loved ones have passed away in attacks. I don't feel that I fear these attacks while I am awake and living life day to day. But, it seems that subconsciously, I do fear these things. How can you not? Look at this past week in history. It is a scary world we live in.
With that though, as Mr. Rogers said, look at all of the helpers in these situations. It amazes me. My mom and I have said about thirty times this week, "Thank goodness we have so many brave people that live in this country."
I like to think of myself as a brave person. I ride rollar coasters. I love motorcycles. I swim in the ocean. I would be up to sky-diving one day. Heck, I just had brain surgery.
But, I can not imagine being a doctor, nurse, first responder, solider, police officer, a runner, or even a spectator in the last week. I don't know how the doctors and nurses carefully took care of countless patients throughout the week. I don't know if I could have calmly been a first responder with the unknown. I don't know how the officers opened trashcans, looked in bushes, and lastly, boats unsure of what could be hidden in them. I don't know if I could have run to hospitals to give blood after just running 26 miles, and I KNOW I couldn't run 26 miles. I don't know how the selfless spectators didn't all run for their own lives, and instead helped the wounded and harmed.
Watching the coverage of the aftermath of the tragedy, makes me truly proud to live in a brave, prepared country like America. I know people say that you never know how you will react in the face of danger. I hope and pray that God would give me the strength that He gave all of those people in the last week.
My dreams have subsided since Friday night, I could sleep more peacefully, thanks to support, help and selfless work by endless citizens. I know I mentioned a dreamer like Martin Luther King, Jr. earlier. What I wish is, that I was a more brave, dreamer and believer like he was. This week, all of the responders to this tragedy were brave believers. We are a country that stands for what we believe in. This past week, we, as a country, believed in justice. Thanks to those that fight for our country, we found it.
Overall, this week, life was put into perspective for me. For that, I am thankful. God Bless America!
Now, I am still stuck at the shore (1 more day!) without friends, and we all know how I am with meeting guys, so, as I sit here, with a full cup of coffee, Luke Bryan Pandora playing and looking out at the bright sunshine, I decided THIS is my inspiration today. I can definitely come up with somethings to tell you about the past two weeks.
Let's start with my pain...or in all honesty, pretty much lack there of. I am amazed at how much I am able to do just 7 weeks out of brain surgery. I am able to sleep more hours in a night without waking up to take Tylenol. I can shower myself and brush my hair. I have been taking longer walks with mom and biked many times. I carried a new rug into the new house yesterday (in my right hand). I drove a short distance. I even had a beer!
That being said, my incision itself is extremely itchy. Around the incision is still very red and raw. All of the glue (the dark brown gross stuff) has come off, leaving what now looks like a very clean scar. It always makes me laugh when I show people and they tell me what it looks like. I think it is ironic that it is on my body, yet I NEVER see it, unless I ask someone to take a picture for me.
I do feel it. Everyday, all day. I get frustrated with myself when trying to find the words to describe the sensation that I feel from it. It is very tight, has a lot of pressure around it, itchy, irritated, and tingly. When I say that I feel it everyday, all day, I don't feel all of those sensations at once, but it is like they take turns coming throughout the day. With Tylenol and an ice-pack, I am able to easily manage the pain.
Enough so, that I plan to go back to work on May 1st! I can't even begin to describe the excitement and happiness inside of me as it gets closer. I went to my school's Art Show this week and ran into many of my students and their parents. Each time I heard them say they missed me and every hug I felt, reminded me how easy of a transition back into the classroom this will be. I love my job. I love routine. I love having things to look forward to. I love surprises. The students in my class, provide me with a routine daily, I look forward to their smiling faces (almost) every day, and they are six and seven, they EASILY surprise me all the time. So, if all I need to do to get back to work is bring a little Tylenol and throw an ice-pack into the faculty room freezer just in case, consider it done. I CAN'T WAIT.
As I mentioned above, we have one last day at the shore before we move into the new house! For being 25, I have been to one too many settlements in the last month. We did FINALLY settle on the new house on Thursday of this week. My uncle's company laid floors (which look beautiful) on Friday. The moving truck comes on Monday! I am now very excited to get back to a routine at home and to see how everything comes together. Yesterday, Mom, Dad and I did A LOT of shopping. A LOT. They were tired, you can only imagine how I felt. We bought blinds, house numbers to put on the mailbox, rugs, and the dreaded lights and ceiling fans. I say dreaded for one reason and one reason only. To buy lights and ceiling fans, you need to look UP. My head, neck, and brain, do not like the motion of looking UP yet. This, I learned quickly yesterday. We did finally pick everything out and found a mirror for my bedroom. It was a tiring, yet successful day and really made me SO ready to move in officially.
As if moving into a brand new house and still recovering from brain surgery isn't enough, this week is going to get a little more hectic. My sister is coming home from Florida for 24 hours on Tuesday. She has some things to take care of here. I would be lying if I didn't say I fear this stay and am very anxious about it, as I am sure she is too. One, we are in a brand new house. Two, I personally haven't seen her in over six months. Three, she and I both work a lot better with structure and routine and nothing about the next week with be routine or structured. Four, it will be her first time back here since she started her recovery. I am sure it will go okay and I am trying not to project, but a few extra prayers that it is a smooth trip for her and my family would be appreciated.
In light of the tragedies this week, I found it very difficult to handle my emotions. I had a "sad" day on Tuesday. I was feeling very overwhelmed, tired, and mentally exhausted. I wasn't able to put into words what it was that was making me feel that way. I am a dreamer. Not like a Martin Luther King, Jr. dreamer, more like a "Why am I running from dinosaurs?" kind of dreamer. Since 9/11 I have dreampt of terrorists more times than I can count. This past week I, understandably, have dreampt of many different scenarios where many of my loved ones have passed away in attacks. I don't feel that I fear these attacks while I am awake and living life day to day. But, it seems that subconsciously, I do fear these things. How can you not? Look at this past week in history. It is a scary world we live in.
With that though, as Mr. Rogers said, look at all of the helpers in these situations. It amazes me. My mom and I have said about thirty times this week, "Thank goodness we have so many brave people that live in this country."
I like to think of myself as a brave person. I ride rollar coasters. I love motorcycles. I swim in the ocean. I would be up to sky-diving one day. Heck, I just had brain surgery.
But, I can not imagine being a doctor, nurse, first responder, solider, police officer, a runner, or even a spectator in the last week. I don't know how the doctors and nurses carefully took care of countless patients throughout the week. I don't know if I could have calmly been a first responder with the unknown. I don't know how the officers opened trashcans, looked in bushes, and lastly, boats unsure of what could be hidden in them. I don't know if I could have run to hospitals to give blood after just running 26 miles, and I KNOW I couldn't run 26 miles. I don't know how the selfless spectators didn't all run for their own lives, and instead helped the wounded and harmed.
Watching the coverage of the aftermath of the tragedy, makes me truly proud to live in a brave, prepared country like America. I know people say that you never know how you will react in the face of danger. I hope and pray that God would give me the strength that He gave all of those people in the last week.
My dreams have subsided since Friday night, I could sleep more peacefully, thanks to support, help and selfless work by endless citizens. I know I mentioned a dreamer like Martin Luther King, Jr. earlier. What I wish is, that I was a more brave, dreamer and believer like he was. This week, all of the responders to this tragedy were brave believers. We are a country that stands for what we believe in. This past week, we, as a country, believed in justice. Thanks to those that fight for our country, we found it.
Overall, this week, life was put into perspective for me. For that, I am thankful. God Bless America!
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Picture Blog (Part 2)
I decided I better share some fun photos from my recovery. Ok, really, only some are fun. I warn you now... Look At Your Own Risk! (This warning goes mostly to my cousin. She refuses to look even in real-life!)
Here is my incision 10 days post op!
Here I am in the ER - Week 2
(Still didn't find my hot doctor, just saying)
Hard to believe, but this was the morning after my ER visit.
Those steroids did me well!
Before the move, this was the room that I liked to call "My Oasis".
Everything I needed, my giraffe blanket, two of the cutest cousins ever using my cool beach chair, a TV, my iPad, and snacks. What more could I ask for?
I actually HATE this picture, but it was a good day for me and mom thinks it was the day that I started turning the corner!
Mama will kill me for putting up this picture, but I think it gives you a glimpse of what our days hold. She is picking the glue off of my scar and doing everything she can to not hurt me. I appreciate her trying, but I sure do HATE this part of my day!
Here you can see some of the glue picked off. This was week 4 post op and also right before I went to the doctor. He said it looked "perfect", but we had to keep picking at the glue. UGH!
Believe it or not, I was up and functioning on Easter. However, I think this picture shows that after a few hours I do still need to rest (almost always by laying my head on my white blanket!). Not that you can tell, but my cousin did my hair, I had makeup on, and got fully dressed!
Here I am attempting to help with the move. I hated that tape. It was like nails on a chalkboard. I like to caption the top picture "Pretend smiles, pretend helping!" It is hard to believe we have moved out completely!
Well I stole this one off of Instagram, but that is me and my friend Rach on the beach! Is it summer yet??
I also went for a bike ride on Saturday morning with a wobbley tire and all! I was proud of this accomplishment, because bikes are my main mode of transportation throughout the summer!
Remember I mentioned the anxiety about sports? Here is proof that I couldn't handle the pressure. Check me out though, sitting up!
This was me yesterday, notice the ice pack (my favorite).
All I can say about this recovery ... Thank goodness for technology!!!
And finally... the new, glueless scar! I think this is actually more gross than the scar with the glue on it, but here it comes ....
On a positive note, look at all my hair growing back already. That part is kind cool (and itchy).
I can't wait until I can post pictures of me at the Phillies game, pictures of me on dates with all the athletes I am going to pick up with the pick-up lines I have been practicing, pictures of me in my classroom again, and pictures of me doing everything I love...HEADACHE FREE!
:)
Monday, April 8, 2013
Down the Shore, Everything's Alright?
Kinda.
Let me start with positives. We are all moved out of our house...with a lot of help and the strongest men on the earth, we left the empty house on Friday and came down to LBI for the next few weeks. I carried (probably one too many) bags into the shore house. After about three trips to the car, I needed to lay down. Saturday morning, I took a bike ride...on a bike with a wobbley tire, but did surprisingly well! I walked down to the beach, however the dune hill that I would have to walk down to get to the water, made me fearful. I was scared of the walk back up...mostly unsure if I would make it. Yesterday, I showered completely by myself! Today, we drove back up to Mt. Laurel for settlement on the old house, got manicures and pedicures and went out for lunch!
My biggest stride this week has been that I am completely off of my pain medicines (today I considered taking them, but decided to suck it up)! I am taking Tylenol around the clock and still continue with the ice packs as much as I can, but as I said, no more perscribed pain meds! Yay!
My anxiety was a bit high this week. Between the move, my sister, the pain in my neck, Penguins winning in a shootout against the Rangers, Kevin Frandsen's walk-off hit, and Louisville's fight to make it to the Final Four, my heart was beating in overdrive.
As for the sports references, all I can say is "Phew!"
As for the move, I'm fine. I am sad and feel somewhat homeless. I know I am down the shore and should be enjoying it, but when it is still pretty chilly and none of my friends are here, it is tough to fully enjoy it. I am doing my best, we will leave it at that.
As for my sister, my parents and I talked to her yesterday and she seems in good spirits and to be doing well. It is all we can ask for at this point.
And finally, the pain in my neck. I keep describing my "new" pain as little shooting pains from the side of my head directly to my incision. It doesn't last long but has come often in the past two days. Also, the water pressure in the shower down here...OUCH! I also am having a lot of neck pain this week, but I am accounting that to the fact that I was carrying WAY more than I probably should have during the move. Oops...
I don't really consider the anxiety points as negatives, they are just the key points on my mind right now. Tough life, right? ;)
I have to admit, Bruce had it right. Down the shore, everything is alright...Except I think I would rewrite it and say, "Down the shore, everything is alright, but quiet in April and I hate to admit it, but can't wait for the hustle and bustle of the summer!" Catchy, right? I know many would disagree, but hey, to each their own!
So, in conclusion .... 46 DAYS UNTIL MEMORIAL DAY BABY!
Let me start with positives. We are all moved out of our house...with a lot of help and the strongest men on the earth, we left the empty house on Friday and came down to LBI for the next few weeks. I carried (probably one too many) bags into the shore house. After about three trips to the car, I needed to lay down. Saturday morning, I took a bike ride...on a bike with a wobbley tire, but did surprisingly well! I walked down to the beach, however the dune hill that I would have to walk down to get to the water, made me fearful. I was scared of the walk back up...mostly unsure if I would make it. Yesterday, I showered completely by myself! Today, we drove back up to Mt. Laurel for settlement on the old house, got manicures and pedicures and went out for lunch!
My biggest stride this week has been that I am completely off of my pain medicines (today I considered taking them, but decided to suck it up)! I am taking Tylenol around the clock and still continue with the ice packs as much as I can, but as I said, no more perscribed pain meds! Yay!
My anxiety was a bit high this week. Between the move, my sister, the pain in my neck, Penguins winning in a shootout against the Rangers, Kevin Frandsen's walk-off hit, and Louisville's fight to make it to the Final Four, my heart was beating in overdrive.
As for the sports references, all I can say is "Phew!"
As for the move, I'm fine. I am sad and feel somewhat homeless. I know I am down the shore and should be enjoying it, but when it is still pretty chilly and none of my friends are here, it is tough to fully enjoy it. I am doing my best, we will leave it at that.
As for my sister, my parents and I talked to her yesterday and she seems in good spirits and to be doing well. It is all we can ask for at this point.
And finally, the pain in my neck. I keep describing my "new" pain as little shooting pains from the side of my head directly to my incision. It doesn't last long but has come often in the past two days. Also, the water pressure in the shower down here...OUCH! I also am having a lot of neck pain this week, but I am accounting that to the fact that I was carrying WAY more than I probably should have during the move. Oops...
I don't really consider the anxiety points as negatives, they are just the key points on my mind right now. Tough life, right? ;)
I have to admit, Bruce had it right. Down the shore, everything is alright...Except I think I would rewrite it and say, "Down the shore, everything is alright, but quiet in April and I hate to admit it, but can't wait for the hustle and bustle of the summer!" Catchy, right? I know many would disagree, but hey, to each their own!
So, in conclusion .... 46 DAYS UNTIL MEMORIAL DAY BABY!
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Living in Organized Chaos
I've been thinking a lot today about this quote:
"Everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end."
I remember first reading this quote in my cousin Tori's quote book, which she started way before our teenage years, and she still continues to add to it today. When I read it, I was in young love and remember thinking "Oh my gosh, it's not okay that he didn't call. We are so in a fight." That night, he would call, it was all okay, and it was the end of that fight.
Now, at 25, this quote means so much more. It is funny how life perspective changes like that.
I think I may have seen the quote on someone's Facebook status or read it on someone's filtered Instagram photo. Just typing those social media site's names seems so juvenile, but the past four weeks of constantly checking both, makes me realize they're not juvenile at all. Before the surgery, those sites allowed friends and family to contact me with support. Post surgery, it allowed me to share my journey and hear from new friends, and now, today, that post on a social media site is what got me reflecting on so many different things in my life. So many things in my life, beyond the surgery.
Before this week, I would say my recovery was the only thing on my mind. I was in a lot of pain. I didn't feel good. I couldn't spend much time away from the couch. I always wanted an ice pack. When can I take my next dose of medicine? Should I call the doctor about the tenderness around the incision? The recovery was my number one priority despite everything else that was "out of the norm" in my and my family's lives. Yeah, we were moving. Yeah, my sister is not doing so well in her own recovery in Florida. Yeah, my brother is still wearing a cast four months after the initial break. Yeah, my dad's aunt passed. Yeah, I have six weddings to save up for this summer. But, before this week, not much of that was phasing me. This week, different story.
I am sore. I still hate showering because I know it means I need to scrub the glue. I still don't feel comfortable driving, but I did go around the block yesterday. But, I seem to have put all of that on the back burner.
I tried to help pack my room, and tried to help pack my sister's room. I pushed it past my limit and had to lay down the rest of the afternoon. I am very frustrated by my sister's actions and how she continues to have little to no concern for my parent's feelings or wishes for her. I feel horrible for my brother who would love to make a career out of golf, and yet hasn't been able to get on the course in over four months due to his fracture. My dad wasn't able to go to his aunt's funeral in Pittsburgh and see all his cousins because there was too much going on at home this week. I am not working, but want to make sure I am budgeting my money so I can happily attend all these weddings this summer.
My point being, and back to my reflection on the quote: my surgery has been one of my biggest fears up to this point in my life. The surgery went okay, it is over. Now the recovery. It isn't necessarily over, but I feel like it is okay, so I know I am nearing the end. Everything else in my life ... I don't feel like I am quite there.
Tonight I am feeling anxious. I am feeling sad. And, I am feeling overwhelmed. Anxious about the move. Anxious about my sister. Sad about the move. Sad about my sister. Overwhelmed about the move. Overwhelmed about my sister. Overwhelmed about what the next few months will look like for us all.
My mom has always told me one of my (few! Just kidding!) flaws is that I overly project what "could" happen. I posted something awhile ago about changing my "What If" questions pre-surgery to postives.
Now, I can pretend right now that I am thinking: "What if the move goes great?" "What if I treat my two weeks down the shore like a vacation?" "What if I love the new house more than I expect to?" "What if my sister is making the right choices?" "What if my sister is safe?" "What if someday my sister will be my friend again?"
"What if in the end, everything will be okay?"
However, tonight ... honestly ... I am not feeling overwhelmed with optimism. I am having a heck of a time organizing the chaos in my heart and having my brain translate it all to words. Our house, is a mess. My sister, is a mess. My mind, is a mess.
I feel bad that I am not able to be more of a help to my parents during this move. I can see them both working endlessly and tirelessly to get the house ready for the movers by Friday. I feel bad that I am not able to help my sister, but more so feel bad I am not able to better support my parents during her selfish craziness. They have been here for me relentlessly during my whole brain surgery process, and yet I feel like I am not doing enough for them. I am the first to admit, I am not the first to jump to help when my mom is folding laundry or dad is emptying the dishwasher, my cousin Allie got those genes. But, I wish there was something more I could do or say to let them both know how appreciative and supportive I am of what they have and continue to do. Actually, as I am typing this, I am crying. They are both ready to go out to dinner and waiting for me to pull myself together so we can leave. Uh oh, does this make me selfish? Am I, at this moment, contradicting everything I am preaching in this post? I just wish there was something I could do to make this hectic, stressful and sometimes troubling time of our lives "okay".
Alright, I am all cried out and really starving (see, I really am feeling more like myself!) The bright side to this post is, I am feeling well enough to not be dwelling on how I feel physically (except for the starving comment)! Here's to a happier tomorrow.
"Everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end."
I remember first reading this quote in my cousin Tori's quote book, which she started way before our teenage years, and she still continues to add to it today. When I read it, I was in young love and remember thinking "Oh my gosh, it's not okay that he didn't call. We are so in a fight." That night, he would call, it was all okay, and it was the end of that fight.
Now, at 25, this quote means so much more. It is funny how life perspective changes like that.
I think I may have seen the quote on someone's Facebook status or read it on someone's filtered Instagram photo. Just typing those social media site's names seems so juvenile, but the past four weeks of constantly checking both, makes me realize they're not juvenile at all. Before the surgery, those sites allowed friends and family to contact me with support. Post surgery, it allowed me to share my journey and hear from new friends, and now, today, that post on a social media site is what got me reflecting on so many different things in my life. So many things in my life, beyond the surgery.
Before this week, I would say my recovery was the only thing on my mind. I was in a lot of pain. I didn't feel good. I couldn't spend much time away from the couch. I always wanted an ice pack. When can I take my next dose of medicine? Should I call the doctor about the tenderness around the incision? The recovery was my number one priority despite everything else that was "out of the norm" in my and my family's lives. Yeah, we were moving. Yeah, my sister is not doing so well in her own recovery in Florida. Yeah, my brother is still wearing a cast four months after the initial break. Yeah, my dad's aunt passed. Yeah, I have six weddings to save up for this summer. But, before this week, not much of that was phasing me. This week, different story.
I am sore. I still hate showering because I know it means I need to scrub the glue. I still don't feel comfortable driving, but I did go around the block yesterday. But, I seem to have put all of that on the back burner.
I tried to help pack my room, and tried to help pack my sister's room. I pushed it past my limit and had to lay down the rest of the afternoon. I am very frustrated by my sister's actions and how she continues to have little to no concern for my parent's feelings or wishes for her. I feel horrible for my brother who would love to make a career out of golf, and yet hasn't been able to get on the course in over four months due to his fracture. My dad wasn't able to go to his aunt's funeral in Pittsburgh and see all his cousins because there was too much going on at home this week. I am not working, but want to make sure I am budgeting my money so I can happily attend all these weddings this summer.
My point being, and back to my reflection on the quote: my surgery has been one of my biggest fears up to this point in my life. The surgery went okay, it is over. Now the recovery. It isn't necessarily over, but I feel like it is okay, so I know I am nearing the end. Everything else in my life ... I don't feel like I am quite there.
Tonight I am feeling anxious. I am feeling sad. And, I am feeling overwhelmed. Anxious about the move. Anxious about my sister. Sad about the move. Sad about my sister. Overwhelmed about the move. Overwhelmed about my sister. Overwhelmed about what the next few months will look like for us all.
My mom has always told me one of my (few! Just kidding!) flaws is that I overly project what "could" happen. I posted something awhile ago about changing my "What If" questions pre-surgery to postives.
Now, I can pretend right now that I am thinking: "What if the move goes great?" "What if I treat my two weeks down the shore like a vacation?" "What if I love the new house more than I expect to?" "What if my sister is making the right choices?" "What if my sister is safe?" "What if someday my sister will be my friend again?"
"What if in the end, everything will be okay?"
However, tonight ... honestly ... I am not feeling overwhelmed with optimism. I am having a heck of a time organizing the chaos in my heart and having my brain translate it all to words. Our house, is a mess. My sister, is a mess. My mind, is a mess.
I feel bad that I am not able to be more of a help to my parents during this move. I can see them both working endlessly and tirelessly to get the house ready for the movers by Friday. I feel bad that I am not able to help my sister, but more so feel bad I am not able to better support my parents during her selfish craziness. They have been here for me relentlessly during my whole brain surgery process, and yet I feel like I am not doing enough for them. I am the first to admit, I am not the first to jump to help when my mom is folding laundry or dad is emptying the dishwasher, my cousin Allie got those genes. But, I wish there was something more I could do or say to let them both know how appreciative and supportive I am of what they have and continue to do. Actually, as I am typing this, I am crying. They are both ready to go out to dinner and waiting for me to pull myself together so we can leave. Uh oh, does this make me selfish? Am I, at this moment, contradicting everything I am preaching in this post? I just wish there was something I could do to make this hectic, stressful and sometimes troubling time of our lives "okay".
Alright, I am all cried out and really starving (see, I really am feeling more like myself!) The bright side to this post is, I am feeling well enough to not be dwelling on how I feel physically (except for the starving comment)! Here's to a happier tomorrow.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Happy Spring!
Well, well, well. Yesterday, and yesterday alone, FELT LIKE SPRING! I know I have mentioned my seasonal depression before, but nice, warm, spring weather makes me a HAPPY girl. However, today is freezing...I'm back to being just a happy girl. ;)
I hope everyone had a nice Easter! I hit a milestone on Easter. My cousin Allie came over and she DID MY HAIR!!! It was the first time it has been done since the surgery. Again, many of you don't know me well, but I LOVE hair. I am a teacher who will always wish I was a hairdresser. When I was younger I used to say, "When I grow up, I will be a hair stylist for famous people!" I still kind of wish that was true. That being said, I hate that I can't do my hair each day. I have become very creative with stylish hair do's, but I miss my normal wavy hair or straight hair. I could probably dry my hair just fine, however I still have so much numbness around my incision that I would probably burn it with the curling iron. It scares me. So, I recruit family members and friends that also enjoy doing hair. Thanks Pal!
On top of looking good on Easter (makeup, hair, dress, and all...), we had a delicious meal with my wonderful family. As we get older, it saddens me how our traditions have changed. I have many, MANY cousins. This year for Easter, some of our cousins were with their spouse's family, couldn't make the trip up, or just were not in a place that they could join us. I missed all of them deeply. I was very thankful for the family that was there to join and for the nice, quiet, blessed holiday we were able to have. I was also very thankful that I was feeling well enough to go to my aunt's and enjoy that time.
I went shopping with a friend yesterday. It was my first journey out of the house without my mom. It was quick, but it was a lot of fun to feel "normal" and get out to do something I like to do.
I have been able to take a walk each day. Yesterday, being that it was so nice out, I took my longest walk yet. I keep telling my mom that my legs feel like jelly this week. I think after spending so much time on the couch in the last month, getting up and moving as much as I have over the last five days has made my body feel like it ran a marathon. As bikini season quickly approaches, I have motivation to continue these walks.
As I am writing this blog post, I am really boring myself. I apologize. I actually came on here this morning thinking I was going to "vent" about my sister and how much addiction scares me, about the move, or about my fear of driving again. But, I also wanted to give a quick update... and now I don't know if I am ready to vent because I feel like my mind is all over the place this morning.
I was going to just delete it and come back later, but I know my mom would ask what the heck I have been doing on the computer all morning. So instead, I will leave this boring post up, and I will come back later when my brain feels less cluttered. SORRY!
I hope everyone had a nice Easter! I hit a milestone on Easter. My cousin Allie came over and she DID MY HAIR!!! It was the first time it has been done since the surgery. Again, many of you don't know me well, but I LOVE hair. I am a teacher who will always wish I was a hairdresser. When I was younger I used to say, "When I grow up, I will be a hair stylist for famous people!" I still kind of wish that was true. That being said, I hate that I can't do my hair each day. I have become very creative with stylish hair do's, but I miss my normal wavy hair or straight hair. I could probably dry my hair just fine, however I still have so much numbness around my incision that I would probably burn it with the curling iron. It scares me. So, I recruit family members and friends that also enjoy doing hair. Thanks Pal!
On top of looking good on Easter (makeup, hair, dress, and all...), we had a delicious meal with my wonderful family. As we get older, it saddens me how our traditions have changed. I have many, MANY cousins. This year for Easter, some of our cousins were with their spouse's family, couldn't make the trip up, or just were not in a place that they could join us. I missed all of them deeply. I was very thankful for the family that was there to join and for the nice, quiet, blessed holiday we were able to have. I was also very thankful that I was feeling well enough to go to my aunt's and enjoy that time.
I went shopping with a friend yesterday. It was my first journey out of the house without my mom. It was quick, but it was a lot of fun to feel "normal" and get out to do something I like to do.
I have been able to take a walk each day. Yesterday, being that it was so nice out, I took my longest walk yet. I keep telling my mom that my legs feel like jelly this week. I think after spending so much time on the couch in the last month, getting up and moving as much as I have over the last five days has made my body feel like it ran a marathon. As bikini season quickly approaches, I have motivation to continue these walks.
As I am writing this blog post, I am really boring myself. I apologize. I actually came on here this morning thinking I was going to "vent" about my sister and how much addiction scares me, about the move, or about my fear of driving again. But, I also wanted to give a quick update... and now I don't know if I am ready to vent because I feel like my mind is all over the place this morning.
I was going to just delete it and come back later, but I know my mom would ask what the heck I have been doing on the computer all morning. So instead, I will leave this boring post up, and I will come back later when my brain feels less cluttered. SORRY!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)