I traveled to Florida twice in August (like a crazy person). Summer ended. School started. Mommom got better. I turned 28. I participated in a walk for Autism Awareness. I traveled to Florida again to watch my very best friend get married. I ran another 5k. We ate some turkey. Hunter Pence got engaged.
I saw a quote a few weeks back (I know I do this all the time) and it said "Imagine your life was exactly the same in one year. Would you be happy about that? If not, what are you afraid to change?"
I am happy where I am today. I love my relationships with my family. I love my friends. I love house. I love my job. I love that I am not a Philadelphia sports fan.
But, in one year...would I want to be exactly where I am right now? Honestly, no. Then I stop and ask myself, what am I afraid to change? Am I afraid, or am I unsure of how to change, what to change? Loaded questions.
I am sitting here, full of raw emotion. For the last five years the holidays have been masked with many distractions, Mom's breast cancer, my pain, my sister's rehab stays, my surgery, my sister's addiction, again...or still. This year, for the first year in about five, there is no mask.
This is going to sound...I don't know, bad? But, I am afraid.
I am afraid of spending a couple days with my sister. It has been a long time since she has been around and even longer since she has been around in a positive light. I am afraid of the emotions I will feel, of the conversations we will have. It is hard not waiting for the other shoe to drop. (That is the right saying, I think?)
This sounds so cliche, and I can't believe I am typing it, but I am afraid of being alone. People always have said that around the holidays is the time that many people feel that way, but I never really had. Although I have been "alone" for many years, I have always had an "excuse". For the first year, maybe ever, I feel like I wish I had someone to share the holiday excitement with. I joke all the time about being alone forever, being too picky and never finding "the one". But, I also am confident in the fact that I know what I am looking for and I will not settle. Until then, I will spend my Christmas season living vicariously through Hallmark movies and wait for the day my prince charming shows up on Christmas Eve and takes me ice skating and bakes cookies with me (or for me, let's be real), while his dad (Santa) prepares for his long night ahead!
A quick side note: it is such an awesome thing, that for the first time in years I am able to sit here and reflect on myself, but it is also the scariest feeling.
I feel good. I get headaches, and with all the sneezes and coughs during allergy season, many are triggered. I have some kids in my classes this year that love to give a big, unexpected, but always welcomed hug, or a kids who needs a quick catch on the monkey bars, both of which can result in headaches. But, I can walk without tripping (usually), I can hold my beer in my right hand, water isn't spilling out of my mouth, and the tingles are infrequent. When a Chiari headache hits, I am down for about a 12-hour period, but have yet to have had to miss a day of work or miss out on a preferred activity since September. This goes in the win column.
As I am rereading this, I am thinking of the people in the world that have things to complain about. Those that are suffering from hunger, the cold, loss.
I am not complaining. I promise. I am thankful for my life, my family, my friends, Chinese food. I am blessed beyond belief that I own my own home, love going to work every day, have a DVR.
This is a self-reflection, one I probably don't need to share with the world, but I swear it is like therapy for me. So, for all of you that read this looking for my humor and strong-wit, please settle for my honesty in this post.
I think I have blogged about the quote "Be silly. Be Honest. Be kind." once before, but I saw it again yesterday and I was reminded how much it affects me.
I am, if I may, one of the silliest people I know. I make myself laugh, make my friends laugh, and laugh at others humor easily. I truly believe laughter is the best medicine, and silliness is one of my greatest traits.
I am, also, one of the most honest people I know. Sometimes, to a fault. I am not confrontational, and will not vocalize my opinion on everything, but I will always tell the truth. If I am feeling something, you will know it. I feel communication goes hand in hand with this trait. Communicating, explaining my actions, thoughts, and feelings, prevents me from ever appearing cowardly. I will, forever, be honest with my feelings.
Finally, be kind. I am silly and honest, but above all I am kind. Not only in the spirit of the holiday but every day, I truly believe a smile can go a long way. You never know what someone is going through. A kind word, a quick positive glance can change an entire day. More than anything, during my recovery, I believe the kind words and gestures meant more than I could ever put into words.
Again, I apologize for this rant of blah, blah feelings. I feel that I needed an outlet to release the "crazy" I was feeling. Although this is not my best written blog post, or my most Chiari-based, I do feel that it helped me breath a little easier tonight, putting my feelings into words.
Life is good. It is crazy. It is scary. It is eventful. It has some lulls. It is frustrating. It is spontaneous. It is beautiful. It is mine.
I get to choose how to live it. Same as I chose to keep a optimistic attitude during my brain surgery, same as I chose to understand I had no control over my sisters addiction, I will choose to determine what changes I want to see in myself, and I will do what I can to make the change.
As I have stated many, many times over the last few years, nothing changes if nothing changes.
