Freaking Chiari. That is what is back again. A little Eminem to start this rainy morning.
Actually Eminem didn't start this rainy day for me. An MRI and a Cine Blood Flow study at Capital Health did.
I delayed writing a blog, just because I have felt that I was being a Negative Nancy in the past few weeks and if you've read this before, you know how much I hate that.
However, today I posted a picture of my hospital bracelet so I think it is absolutely time to explain what is happening these days.
About a month ago I mentioned getting knocked in the waves while playing my dolphin and seal game and triggering a headache and some tingling. For the next few weeks I had a lot of pain around where most of my Chiari headaches originate. Two weeks ago, I was closing the windows in my loft and had a tough time pulling one down. Using a lot of effort and my killer upper body strength, I put my hands above my head and pulled down. I instantly felt the tingle and sharp pain from the base of my skull (where the Chiari headaches originate) into my shoulder, down my arm, and up my neck into my ear and cheeks.
For the next seventy-two hours I had a full blown, for lack of a better word, Chiari-attack. I was in debilitating pain. Not only a headache, but weakness down my right arm into my hand, my shoulders felt like a boulder was sitting on them, and I felt I couldn't hold my head up straight. Before my surgery, I referred to one of my symptoms as "Woody Arm", making an analogy to Toy Story when Woody's arm gets injured and he just drags it along as he is walking. For about two full days, I had a very serious Woody Arm. I had difficulty lifting my fork to eat, my cup to drink, and my markers to teach. While I was driving, I needed to support my Woody Arm with my other arm or rest it on the steering wheel. I forgot how horrible this pain was. During these seventy-two hours, I went to work, came home, laid on the couch, barely ate, and cried a lot. For the first time in over 19 months, I felt paralyzed, trapped in my own body again. However, at this point...I just kept saying to myself and others, "No big deal, this is just a weird Chiari fluke." -- Fluke is the right word, right?
Then, about a week ago, I was woken four times in the night from the most severe, sharp, shooting pain from the base of my skull into my right cheek and into what felt like my eye socket. I was honestly worried. It was a new pain, one I don't even remember having before my surgery. I considered waking up my roommate or calling mom and dad to take me to the emergency room. Again, I sat there and thought, "okay if I go, they will run the same tests, tell me nothing is wrong, blah..blah..blah. And, I love my job. I want to go to work tomorrow. The kids will make me better. My friends will help."
The pain continued though work. I was barely present. The right side of my face was completely numb. I was constantly asking my coworkers if my face was droopy. I felt like the water I was drinking was coming out of my mouth. I couldn't keep my eyes open. I couldn't focus, I couldn't react to things the way I normally do. I wasn't finding my little friends' high pitch voices and silly antics as cute as I normally do. I hate to say I felt paralyzed, but I did. I needed to make a call.
I HATE THE PHONE. The fact that with no prompting, no suggestion, and no demands from mom or anyone else, I picked up the phone and called my doctor. I cried hard when the nurse got on the phone and explained the pain. She said it was absolutely something to worry about. She warned me that a Chiari can reform even after a surgery. She suggested coming to Capital Health and getting an MRI sooner than later.
After spending a combined two days, three hours on hold, four dropped calls, and three missed calls, I got an authorization from my new insurance company and an appointment at Capital Health.
This morning at 7am I went in for a MRI of my brain. They took me out after awhile and hooked me up to a monitor so they could do a Cine Blood Flow study.
This is where we stand. Waiting...
Back before my surgery, I joined a lot of Chairi social media groups, to remind myself that it was normal to get the surgery, it was normal to feel the pain, it was normal to be frustrated. Man am I glad I didn't get out of any of them. Last night, I sat and read many fellow Zipper-head's posts about their pain and similar symptoms. It helped to know that I am not alone or crazy in my descriptions of my symptoms.
So many people have said to me in the last few days, "Hope everything comes out okay in your tests." How terrible is it that I am sitting here, anxiously awaiting a call to tell me something in fact IS wrong. I need an explanation. Why do I suddenly feel like I did 19 months ago? Why do I suddenly need to think before I jump a wave? Why do I need to think before I close a window? Why do I need to hold in a sneeze? Why is all this pain back?
I fear the phone call that says, "everything looks great." Because if that is the case, then what now?
Alright, that's enough complaining. I'm sorry! It has been a very confusing and frustrating few weeks.
Prayers and a lot of hope for curable answers...
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
1 year and 6 months? Holy Cow (heart!)
I know everyone says it and it is so cliché, but time freakin' flies. How in the world has it been a year and a half since my Chiari surgery? How in the world has it been over two months since I last blogged? How in the world has it been almost six months since I moved into my house? How in the world is it already the end of August? How in the world does school start in two weeks? How in the world is it that the Phillies stink so bad? How in the world is it that I am still not Hunter Pence's girlfriend?
Okay, the last one is understandable, we are on separate coasts and different time zones.
If you can't sense from my tone, life is a little, okay a lot, better than it was since my last post. Anyone that has talked to me in the last two months has heard me say, "It is amazing what Lexapro and a roommate can do!"
It is so sad to me that people are afraid to admit to needing some kind of help. As the truths of Robin Williams' death come out, it just hits me so hard. As someone who vocalizes all my fears, emotions, feelings, and ALWAYS wears my heart on my sleeve, I can not imagine feeling THAT alone. I know it is an illness, I know he was sick. But, in the same breath, I know how great it feels to vent, to realize you are not alone. Any time I mention taking Lexapro, most people respond with, "oh yeah my mom is on it", "oh yeah my friend takes that", "oh yeah I am on it", "oh yeah my dog takes it"...
I believe one of my biggest flaws is my constant need to be open and honest. Some would say that sometimes, I communicate my feelings too much, all emotions included. However, I thank God every day that I have the confidence to be open about how I am feeling in any context.
I joke all the time that I am the happiest, nicest, and funniest person I know, and I believe it to be true. That being said, it doesn't mean I don't have a bad day, week, or month. As I wrote about last post, I was in a weird place in my life and not feeling myself. I HATED it. I didn't like being by myself, felt like my friends were far away, worried about my sister, and thought I met the one that got away. But, don't they say you need rainy days to appreciate the sunny ones? Or something like that... I never really was good with phrases.
Life is good right now. I have a roommate. I have had so much fun at my MANY weddings. I have loved going to my bachelorette parties. I have met new baby cousins. I have enjoyed my beach days with friends and family. I have hung out with some old friends. I have met many new ones. I have spent nights out doing new things. My cousins are coming in from Michigan and Florida. Steelers are starting, Penguins soon. My birthday is coming up. Pumpkin beer is on the shelves...
Adding to that list, the ocean has been beyond perfect this summer. Clear, warm, dare I say Caribbean like? The ocean is one of my favorite places in the world. It is a rare beach day that I don't go in. As a kid my cousins and I used to play "Seal or Dolphin", where we would go over the wave if we yelled "seal" and under if we yell "dolphin". As almost 27, it is still one of my favorite games.
Except, now, with Chiari, I find that I often trigger a headache when I am being a seal. The pressure of the water can sometimes knock my neck at a certain angle that affects my Chiari. I know the instant it happens. Twice this summer it has happened hard enough that I have been down for the count for a day or two. You would think I would learn the lesson, stop being a seal, always go for dolphin. Easier said than done. I have come to terms with the fact that I won't be riding roller coasters anymore (which is something I like to do), but no way will I give up my seal-life in the ocean. Suck it Chiari.
Speaking of Chiari, I also want to comment on the ALS ice bucket challenge. For a few weeks I thought I was going to sneak by without being nominated. Don't get me wrong, I am all for donating and am in positive disbelief at how beneficial this viral act has gone. It is truly amazing.
Two days ago my friend nominated me. I panicked. A bucket of water falling onto my head. It sounds painful. As someone that has Chiari, as someone that has issues with anything that "whiplashes" my neck, I don't feel I can participate for fear of triggering a headache. I know, I know, sounds wimpy, but I honestly don't think I want to risk it. I would love to donate to ALS, that is not my point. My point is, Chiari still affects my life. Three years ago I would have been the first to think this challenge was hysterical and would be so fun. Now, I am scared to hurt myself. What am I, 90?
To this day I would say with 100% certainty that my surgery was the best thing that ever happened to me. It has given me my life back and the ability to worry about things that a normal 26-year-old should. It has given me the chance to appreciate all the emotions that I feel now that I couldn't feel behind the headaches and nerve pain. Yes, I still have rare pain with a passing headache, slight tingling, and occasionally word mix-up, but like I have always said, "everyone has their shit".
Just because I think it is a perfect wrap up for this post, I am going to end it with a Ralph Waldo Emerson quote that I recently found and feel is so me...
Be Silly. Be Honest. Be Kind.
Okay, the last one is understandable, we are on separate coasts and different time zones.
If you can't sense from my tone, life is a little, okay a lot, better than it was since my last post. Anyone that has talked to me in the last two months has heard me say, "It is amazing what Lexapro and a roommate can do!"
It is so sad to me that people are afraid to admit to needing some kind of help. As the truths of Robin Williams' death come out, it just hits me so hard. As someone who vocalizes all my fears, emotions, feelings, and ALWAYS wears my heart on my sleeve, I can not imagine feeling THAT alone. I know it is an illness, I know he was sick. But, in the same breath, I know how great it feels to vent, to realize you are not alone. Any time I mention taking Lexapro, most people respond with, "oh yeah my mom is on it", "oh yeah my friend takes that", "oh yeah I am on it", "oh yeah my dog takes it"...
I believe one of my biggest flaws is my constant need to be open and honest. Some would say that sometimes, I communicate my feelings too much, all emotions included. However, I thank God every day that I have the confidence to be open about how I am feeling in any context.
I joke all the time that I am the happiest, nicest, and funniest person I know, and I believe it to be true. That being said, it doesn't mean I don't have a bad day, week, or month. As I wrote about last post, I was in a weird place in my life and not feeling myself. I HATED it. I didn't like being by myself, felt like my friends were far away, worried about my sister, and thought I met the one that got away. But, don't they say you need rainy days to appreciate the sunny ones? Or something like that... I never really was good with phrases.
Life is good right now. I have a roommate. I have had so much fun at my MANY weddings. I have loved going to my bachelorette parties. I have met new baby cousins. I have enjoyed my beach days with friends and family. I have hung out with some old friends. I have met many new ones. I have spent nights out doing new things. My cousins are coming in from Michigan and Florida. Steelers are starting, Penguins soon. My birthday is coming up. Pumpkin beer is on the shelves...
Adding to that list, the ocean has been beyond perfect this summer. Clear, warm, dare I say Caribbean like? The ocean is one of my favorite places in the world. It is a rare beach day that I don't go in. As a kid my cousins and I used to play "Seal or Dolphin", where we would go over the wave if we yelled "seal" and under if we yell "dolphin". As almost 27, it is still one of my favorite games.
Except, now, with Chiari, I find that I often trigger a headache when I am being a seal. The pressure of the water can sometimes knock my neck at a certain angle that affects my Chiari. I know the instant it happens. Twice this summer it has happened hard enough that I have been down for the count for a day or two. You would think I would learn the lesson, stop being a seal, always go for dolphin. Easier said than done. I have come to terms with the fact that I won't be riding roller coasters anymore (which is something I like to do), but no way will I give up my seal-life in the ocean. Suck it Chiari.
Speaking of Chiari, I also want to comment on the ALS ice bucket challenge. For a few weeks I thought I was going to sneak by without being nominated. Don't get me wrong, I am all for donating and am in positive disbelief at how beneficial this viral act has gone. It is truly amazing.
Two days ago my friend nominated me. I panicked. A bucket of water falling onto my head. It sounds painful. As someone that has Chiari, as someone that has issues with anything that "whiplashes" my neck, I don't feel I can participate for fear of triggering a headache. I know, I know, sounds wimpy, but I honestly don't think I want to risk it. I would love to donate to ALS, that is not my point. My point is, Chiari still affects my life. Three years ago I would have been the first to think this challenge was hysterical and would be so fun. Now, I am scared to hurt myself. What am I, 90?
To this day I would say with 100% certainty that my surgery was the best thing that ever happened to me. It has given me my life back and the ability to worry about things that a normal 26-year-old should. It has given me the chance to appreciate all the emotions that I feel now that I couldn't feel behind the headaches and nerve pain. Yes, I still have rare pain with a passing headache, slight tingling, and occasionally word mix-up, but like I have always said, "everyone has their shit".
Just because I think it is a perfect wrap up for this post, I am going to end it with a Ralph Waldo Emerson quote that I recently found and feel is so me...
Be Silly. Be Honest. Be Kind.
Monday, June 9, 2014
Out of My Mind
I have spent the last two months literally feeling out of my mind and out of my body.
There have been so many changes in my life and daily routine, that I just feel like I am standing on the outside watching someone else live my life.
I am living by myself in a house that I bought. It is such a bittersweet thing for me. If anything I have learned that I, in fact, don't do well alone. I get inside my own head and have a lot of trouble getting myself back to some sanity. I have kept myself very busy over the last few months. I have agreed to do a lot of extra work things, spent time with old friends, happy hour with new, and agreeing to almost any plans that I am approached with.
Don't get me wrong, I love being busy. But, I miss being able to just sit, watch TV and let my mind get lost in Jax Teller's eyes or in Chandler's humor.
Half the time, I don't even know what I am thinking about. Does that make sense? Literally as I was typing that I started thinking about what a rhetorical question is and if what I just asked counts as one, looked up and thought where did I put my water, wait, did I switch my sheets, I want to take some Advil, ew I don't remember Leonard and Sheldon getting a cat, OH MY GOSH DID I PAY THAT PARKING TICKET?
Seriously? Is this what happens to grown ups? How do people have jobs they don't love? How do people have kids to take care, dinner to make and a house to clean all at the same time of these other thoughts?
I know my life isn't tough, and I hate to complain. I am just in such a funk.
I am one of the most confident, happiest, funniest people I know and yet I feel like my crazy mind has taken over everything I have ever been confident, happy, and funny about.
I know buying the house was so huge and exciting, but then I question, should I have gone south now since I have nothing holding me back here? I know living alone is good for everyone to do once in their life, but then I think who the heck is going to listen to my stories tonight!? I know being confident in who you are is a key to finding someone, but why do I feel so lonely? I know I have a full time job next year, but what am I teaching? My sister is doing okay, but why do I always feel so angry? The Phillies, why do they suck so bad?
I know this all sounds like a negative post, which is not my favorite thing to do but there is an optimistic angle. Promise. The bright side of all these uneasy feelings is that I can complain about these things. It is funny. For the last twenty four hours I have had a horrible headache. It has caused me to feel very weak and tired. But, it isn't a Chiari headache. Just a sinus or allergy headache over my eyes. No big deal, except it does hurt...
I just sat here and wrote an entire blog about other things than my headache. That is how I know my surgery was still the best decision I made (or that was made for me).
Yes, I do still get headaches, occasionally tingling, and often drop things out of my right hand. From what I read and hear, it is all still very normal. I am not worried, it does not affect my day to day life by any means, and I am sitting here capable of rambling complaints like the average twenty six year old!
As I have always said, Life is Good. I have family that supports me even through these crazy, not so happy times. I have great friends and coworkers that have become friends. I have a shore house to escape to every weekend. I have a roommate moving in soon. I have four weddings and a few bachelorette parties coming up in the next few months with some great friends. My cousin is coming up a few times this summer to visit from North Carolina. I have a job I look forward to going to every day. I made out with professional hockey player and I don't care who knows it! :)
I know I need to get out of my own head, bring the confidence, happiness, and humor back into who I am. I can't get lost in these looney thoughts that I have very little control over.
I went through brain surgery, with a confident smile and laughed much of the time. I know I can get through this little road block in life with the same confident smile and laugh all of the time, just need to put it all in perspective sometimes.
There is a guy I follow on Instagram named Tyler Knott Gregson and he posts thoughts in fancy typewriter font. I swear sometimes he is just in my brain, taking all the rambled thoughts and putting them on paper in a rhythmic, sense-making, poetic phrase. This one, being one of my favorites, seems so simple and however if I were to phrase it, it would sound like AHHHHHHH.
"Sometimes, you just cannot sigh deep enough."
He just gets me! :)
There have been so many changes in my life and daily routine, that I just feel like I am standing on the outside watching someone else live my life.
I am living by myself in a house that I bought. It is such a bittersweet thing for me. If anything I have learned that I, in fact, don't do well alone. I get inside my own head and have a lot of trouble getting myself back to some sanity. I have kept myself very busy over the last few months. I have agreed to do a lot of extra work things, spent time with old friends, happy hour with new, and agreeing to almost any plans that I am approached with.
Don't get me wrong, I love being busy. But, I miss being able to just sit, watch TV and let my mind get lost in Jax Teller's eyes or in Chandler's humor.
Half the time, I don't even know what I am thinking about. Does that make sense? Literally as I was typing that I started thinking about what a rhetorical question is and if what I just asked counts as one, looked up and thought where did I put my water, wait, did I switch my sheets, I want to take some Advil, ew I don't remember Leonard and Sheldon getting a cat, OH MY GOSH DID I PAY THAT PARKING TICKET?
Seriously? Is this what happens to grown ups? How do people have jobs they don't love? How do people have kids to take care, dinner to make and a house to clean all at the same time of these other thoughts?
I know my life isn't tough, and I hate to complain. I am just in such a funk.
I am one of the most confident, happiest, funniest people I know and yet I feel like my crazy mind has taken over everything I have ever been confident, happy, and funny about.
I know buying the house was so huge and exciting, but then I question, should I have gone south now since I have nothing holding me back here? I know living alone is good for everyone to do once in their life, but then I think who the heck is going to listen to my stories tonight!? I know being confident in who you are is a key to finding someone, but why do I feel so lonely? I know I have a full time job next year, but what am I teaching? My sister is doing okay, but why do I always feel so angry? The Phillies, why do they suck so bad?
I know this all sounds like a negative post, which is not my favorite thing to do but there is an optimistic angle. Promise. The bright side of all these uneasy feelings is that I can complain about these things. It is funny. For the last twenty four hours I have had a horrible headache. It has caused me to feel very weak and tired. But, it isn't a Chiari headache. Just a sinus or allergy headache over my eyes. No big deal, except it does hurt...
I just sat here and wrote an entire blog about other things than my headache. That is how I know my surgery was still the best decision I made (or that was made for me).
Yes, I do still get headaches, occasionally tingling, and often drop things out of my right hand. From what I read and hear, it is all still very normal. I am not worried, it does not affect my day to day life by any means, and I am sitting here capable of rambling complaints like the average twenty six year old!
As I have always said, Life is Good. I have family that supports me even through these crazy, not so happy times. I have great friends and coworkers that have become friends. I have a shore house to escape to every weekend. I have a roommate moving in soon. I have four weddings and a few bachelorette parties coming up in the next few months with some great friends. My cousin is coming up a few times this summer to visit from North Carolina. I have a job I look forward to going to every day. I made out with professional hockey player and I don't care who knows it! :)
I know I need to get out of my own head, bring the confidence, happiness, and humor back into who I am. I can't get lost in these looney thoughts that I have very little control over.
I went through brain surgery, with a confident smile and laughed much of the time. I know I can get through this little road block in life with the same confident smile and laugh all of the time, just need to put it all in perspective sometimes.
There is a guy I follow on Instagram named Tyler Knott Gregson and he posts thoughts in fancy typewriter font. I swear sometimes he is just in my brain, taking all the rambled thoughts and putting them on paper in a rhythmic, sense-making, poetic phrase. This one, being one of my favorites, seems so simple and however if I were to phrase it, it would sound like AHHHHHHH.
"Sometimes, you just cannot sigh deep enough."
He just gets me! :)
Thursday, March 27, 2014
13 Months: From Brain Surgery to Homeowner
Okay, for starters, 13 months? How? Where did the time go? I am sitting here, full of anxiety, nerves, fear, happiness, excitement, and in all honesty, shock.
13 months ago today, I too, was feeling all those feelings. Anxiety, nerves, fear about the surgery I would undergo in just a few short sleepless hours. Happiness and excitement for the fact that I may, in just a few months, be able to start living the life of a normal 26 year old girl. Shock that I was going to have brain surgery, they were going to shave a part of my head, that I would have a cow heart permanently patched to my skull, and that this was all happening to me.
Tonight, 13 months later, I am again sitting here full of emotion. Anxiety, nerves, fear about the idea that I will be signing my life (and bank account) away in just a few short sleepless hours. Happiness and excitement for the fact that I am living the normal life of a 26 year old girl by buying my very first home. Shock, that in a little over a year after having brain surgery, having part of my head shaved, a cow heart patched to my skull, that I am able to accomplish this HUGE milestone in my life.
Never. Never in the 12 months previous to having the offer accepted on the house would I have believed anyone that said I would be able to do this. Seriously. I could barely go to work each day, let alone make my bed in the morning. I had surgery, I was out of work for two months. I was unsure of a job scenario for this past year. I felt I couldn't leave because I was so emotionally attached to my sister's addiction. I had dinner on the table every night, a DVR in my room, a cleaning lady and a fancy new house. Let's be honest, I was living comfortably.
However, the countless times I said "I am so ready to get out", "I need to move out", "How long until I can realistically do this?" are now a reality. I am ready to get out. I am moving out. Realistically, I can do this.
It is so funny to me how my mind and body work. Before my surgery, yes I was an emotional wreck. I felt every emotion in the book and I feel like I probably even made up a few. However, I never second guessed my decision. I was confident in the fact it was the right thing for me, that I would come out of it 100% better, and I would never regret having the surgery. I was positive, sure, and always hopeful.
Brain surgery. No big deal. I was okay with it. I could do it.
Homeownership. Slightly different story. I am an overwhelmed maniac. Don't get me wrong. I am so, so excited. I can't wait to be on my own, have my own space, and be a grown up. But, there is so much fear and anxiety attached to this decision. Is this the right time? Can I live by myself? Is this the right location? (With these weather patterns, I am second guessing this more and more ... South is looking REAL good these days!) Do I want to paint this room a color? Will I have a roommate? Can I afford to live on a tight budget? Do I bother getting extra sports channels to watch the sucky Phillies this year?
I am trying to practice what I preached throughout the surgery and recovery. Stop asking what if. Deal with what is at hand. And, I know I will. I am just finding so many ways to compare these two HUGE life changing scenarios that I have dealt with in the last year. I am literally sitting here shaking my head at the fact that I was more okay with my surgery than I am with signing these papers tomorrow.
Or is it just like what they say about child birth and its been long enough since the surgery that I am forgetting all that fear and anxiety I had leading up to it?
Alright, enough. There are so many things I am confident with in this house, that I am now changing my mind. From here on out, all positives. I can't wait to have that key in my hand tomorrow. I can't wait to see the floors once they are laid. I can't wait to paint my room. I can't wait to sleep there for the first night. I can't wait to "cook" my first meal, or have someone do it for me. ;) I can't wait to see where I am going to put all my giraffe things. I can't wait to prove to myself that this is exactly what I should be doing at this point in my life.
So, this was not a very Chiari-based post, but more so an outlet to organize my chaotic thoughts.
Isn't it so cool that 13 months later my brain does hurt, BUT that its from thinking about paint colors and giraffe placement? AH! Life is Good. :)
13 months ago today, I too, was feeling all those feelings. Anxiety, nerves, fear about the surgery I would undergo in just a few short sleepless hours. Happiness and excitement for the fact that I may, in just a few months, be able to start living the life of a normal 26 year old girl. Shock that I was going to have brain surgery, they were going to shave a part of my head, that I would have a cow heart permanently patched to my skull, and that this was all happening to me.
Tonight, 13 months later, I am again sitting here full of emotion. Anxiety, nerves, fear about the idea that I will be signing my life (and bank account) away in just a few short sleepless hours. Happiness and excitement for the fact that I am living the normal life of a 26 year old girl by buying my very first home. Shock, that in a little over a year after having brain surgery, having part of my head shaved, a cow heart patched to my skull, that I am able to accomplish this HUGE milestone in my life.
Never. Never in the 12 months previous to having the offer accepted on the house would I have believed anyone that said I would be able to do this. Seriously. I could barely go to work each day, let alone make my bed in the morning. I had surgery, I was out of work for two months. I was unsure of a job scenario for this past year. I felt I couldn't leave because I was so emotionally attached to my sister's addiction. I had dinner on the table every night, a DVR in my room, a cleaning lady and a fancy new house. Let's be honest, I was living comfortably.
However, the countless times I said "I am so ready to get out", "I need to move out", "How long until I can realistically do this?" are now a reality. I am ready to get out. I am moving out. Realistically, I can do this.
It is so funny to me how my mind and body work. Before my surgery, yes I was an emotional wreck. I felt every emotion in the book and I feel like I probably even made up a few. However, I never second guessed my decision. I was confident in the fact it was the right thing for me, that I would come out of it 100% better, and I would never regret having the surgery. I was positive, sure, and always hopeful.
Brain surgery. No big deal. I was okay with it. I could do it.
Homeownership. Slightly different story. I am an overwhelmed maniac. Don't get me wrong. I am so, so excited. I can't wait to be on my own, have my own space, and be a grown up. But, there is so much fear and anxiety attached to this decision. Is this the right time? Can I live by myself? Is this the right location? (With these weather patterns, I am second guessing this more and more ... South is looking REAL good these days!) Do I want to paint this room a color? Will I have a roommate? Can I afford to live on a tight budget? Do I bother getting extra sports channels to watch the sucky Phillies this year?
I am trying to practice what I preached throughout the surgery and recovery. Stop asking what if. Deal with what is at hand. And, I know I will. I am just finding so many ways to compare these two HUGE life changing scenarios that I have dealt with in the last year. I am literally sitting here shaking my head at the fact that I was more okay with my surgery than I am with signing these papers tomorrow.
Or is it just like what they say about child birth and its been long enough since the surgery that I am forgetting all that fear and anxiety I had leading up to it?
Alright, enough. There are so many things I am confident with in this house, that I am now changing my mind. From here on out, all positives. I can't wait to have that key in my hand tomorrow. I can't wait to see the floors once they are laid. I can't wait to paint my room. I can't wait to sleep there for the first night. I can't wait to "cook" my first meal, or have someone do it for me. ;) I can't wait to see where I am going to put all my giraffe things. I can't wait to prove to myself that this is exactly what I should be doing at this point in my life.
So, this was not a very Chiari-based post, but more so an outlet to organize my chaotic thoughts.
Isn't it so cool that 13 months later my brain does hurt, BUT that its from thinking about paint colors and giraffe placement? AH! Life is Good. :)
Monday, February 24, 2014
One Freaking Year Anniversary and Some Other Good Stuff!
WHAT!? ALMOST ONE YEAR!? HOW?!
I literally can not stop asking myself (and everyone around me) how an entire year has passed since my surgery.
Like, for real.
Okay, here are my thoughts. One year, 12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days...all those hours and minutes have come and gone since what may have been the scariest day of my life. Not only have they come and gone but they have been the most exciting, exhausting, silly, mentally draining, hilarious, scary, intimidating, rewarding, eye opening, nerve wrecking, happy, sad, funny, embarrassing, and amazing year of my life. My vocabulary isn't very extensive, so therefore I am having difficulty coming up with more adjectives, but you get the gist.
Rather than reflect on each adjective, I am going to group them.
Let's get the negatives out of the way: I had a few rough weeks in the beginning of my recovery, as expected. It took me awhile to feel like myself. Once I was feeling better, I still struggled with nerve pain for a long while (still happens occasionally). My head itches lots around the incision. My baby hairs (which were shaven) took forever to grow in and always look silly in a high pony or bun. My sister still battles addiction. Hunter Pence is still in San Fran. None of my doctors became my boyfriends. --- Tough life, huh?
Let's switch gears to all the fun stuff.
All positives: As I mention in each and every post, I feel incredible, great, awesome, healthy, wonderful... (again with the adjective thing). Having surgery was the best decision I have ever made! Okay wait side note: yeah right, it was not really my decision, but I still give myself credit! ;)
After living a life in discomfort, worry, and utter pain, I am living a normal life. Normal is the perfect adjective for where I am in life right now. I am 26 years old. I wake up in the morning, have my coffee, pack and lunch and go to a job that I absolutely love (okay, lucky should be added there). I come home, go for a run, do some Netflixing, shower comfortably, and go to bed at a normal time. IT'S THE BEST!
A few more positives from the past year: My cousin in the Marines visited me in the hospital, and made my heart rate sky rocket. I got more giraffes for my collection than I know what to do with. I was visited my family and friends and showered with undeserved gifts and treats. I got to go back to work at a job that I loved, and start a new one that I love just as much. I got hooked on Homeland, Shameless, White Collar and Sons of Anarchy which made my Netflix bill more than worthwhile. I went to Nashville and saw many, many cute southern boys. I went to eight weddings in one summer. I fed a giraffe! Most importantly, the newest and most exciting news from this past year (tough to beat the giraffe feeding, I admit)...
I just signed contracts for my very first house! AH!!!
If you had told me last year, on February 24th, 2013 that on February 24th, 2014 I would be signing contracts for my very first house, I absolutely, positively, 100% would have laughed in your face. I couldn't even hold a pencil in my hand, how would I be able to sign all those papers? Today, I was able to sign paper, after paper, after paper. I didn't even drop the pen once!
I am speechless. Or well, more like typeless. As I am sitting here typing this I can not believe it myself.
I have been planning this "1 year Brainiversiary" (as I like to call it) blog for the last month. I was going to write a few quotes that inspired me this year (I still may on a different post). I was going to post a picture of my scar. I was going to tell you my latest updates, blah blah blah. However, today happened. I got home a bit ago from signing my contracts and putting down a deposit. In just one short month, I will be a home owner. YIKES!
It's funny. One year ago today, I was laying down, watching TV, with an ice pack on, freaking out that in just four days, I would be undergoing brain surgery. One of the scariest days of my life.
Today, I went to an office, held a pen, and signed my name a bajillion times and handed over a big check. Again, one of the scariest days of my life. A year ago, I would have never hoped that a year later I would still be feeling so scared. Yet, here I am, the happiest scared person ever!
So, excited, anxious, nervous rant over ... I gave myself what I think may be the coolest One Year Brainiversiary gift ever. I am movin on! AH :)
I'm sure I will do another fun blog sometime closer to Friday, but I needed to let out some of my fears, excitement, and overwhelming craziness! YAY!!!
Also, holy adjectives in this post, huh? ;)
I literally can not stop asking myself (and everyone around me) how an entire year has passed since my surgery.
Like, for real.
Okay, here are my thoughts. One year, 12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days...all those hours and minutes have come and gone since what may have been the scariest day of my life. Not only have they come and gone but they have been the most exciting, exhausting, silly, mentally draining, hilarious, scary, intimidating, rewarding, eye opening, nerve wrecking, happy, sad, funny, embarrassing, and amazing year of my life. My vocabulary isn't very extensive, so therefore I am having difficulty coming up with more adjectives, but you get the gist.
Rather than reflect on each adjective, I am going to group them.
Let's get the negatives out of the way: I had a few rough weeks in the beginning of my recovery, as expected. It took me awhile to feel like myself. Once I was feeling better, I still struggled with nerve pain for a long while (still happens occasionally). My head itches lots around the incision. My baby hairs (which were shaven) took forever to grow in and always look silly in a high pony or bun. My sister still battles addiction. Hunter Pence is still in San Fran. None of my doctors became my boyfriends. --- Tough life, huh?
Let's switch gears to all the fun stuff.
All positives: As I mention in each and every post, I feel incredible, great, awesome, healthy, wonderful... (again with the adjective thing). Having surgery was the best decision I have ever made! Okay wait side note: yeah right, it was not really my decision, but I still give myself credit! ;)
After living a life in discomfort, worry, and utter pain, I am living a normal life. Normal is the perfect adjective for where I am in life right now. I am 26 years old. I wake up in the morning, have my coffee, pack and lunch and go to a job that I absolutely love (okay, lucky should be added there). I come home, go for a run, do some Netflixing, shower comfortably, and go to bed at a normal time. IT'S THE BEST!
A few more positives from the past year: My cousin in the Marines visited me in the hospital, and made my heart rate sky rocket. I got more giraffes for my collection than I know what to do with. I was visited my family and friends and showered with undeserved gifts and treats. I got to go back to work at a job that I loved, and start a new one that I love just as much. I got hooked on Homeland, Shameless, White Collar and Sons of Anarchy which made my Netflix bill more than worthwhile. I went to Nashville and saw many, many cute southern boys. I went to eight weddings in one summer. I fed a giraffe! Most importantly, the newest and most exciting news from this past year (tough to beat the giraffe feeding, I admit)...
I just signed contracts for my very first house! AH!!!
If you had told me last year, on February 24th, 2013 that on February 24th, 2014 I would be signing contracts for my very first house, I absolutely, positively, 100% would have laughed in your face. I couldn't even hold a pencil in my hand, how would I be able to sign all those papers? Today, I was able to sign paper, after paper, after paper. I didn't even drop the pen once!
I am speechless. Or well, more like typeless. As I am sitting here typing this I can not believe it myself.
I have been planning this "1 year Brainiversiary" (as I like to call it) blog for the last month. I was going to write a few quotes that inspired me this year (I still may on a different post). I was going to post a picture of my scar. I was going to tell you my latest updates, blah blah blah. However, today happened. I got home a bit ago from signing my contracts and putting down a deposit. In just one short month, I will be a home owner. YIKES!
It's funny. One year ago today, I was laying down, watching TV, with an ice pack on, freaking out that in just four days, I would be undergoing brain surgery. One of the scariest days of my life.
Today, I went to an office, held a pen, and signed my name a bajillion times and handed over a big check. Again, one of the scariest days of my life. A year ago, I would have never hoped that a year later I would still be feeling so scared. Yet, here I am, the happiest scared person ever!
So, excited, anxious, nervous rant over ... I gave myself what I think may be the coolest One Year Brainiversiary gift ever. I am movin on! AH :)
I'm sure I will do another fun blog sometime closer to Friday, but I needed to let out some of my fears, excitement, and overwhelming craziness! YAY!!!
Also, holy adjectives in this post, huh? ;)
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Challenge Accepted
I am sitting here. Unsure. Unsure how to start this blog. Unsure of why I chose to write one in this moment. Unsure of how honest to be. Unsure of myself.
Amy Has a Headache was a blog I decided to write to put a positive spin on Chiari, the before, after and all between. In my opinion, I have done a good job of doing that. Chiari can suck it. It hurt, I fixed it. It caused me to live limitedly, I am now living free and easy. It was a major obstacle in my life, I overcame it.
However, I am sitting here finding myself wanting to ,once again, vent about another disease affecting my life. It's not my disease and yet it affects my health, my family's health daily.
Addiction. I have said it before and I will say it forevermore. I would never wish addiction, of any sort, on anyone.
In my last post I mentioned the colorful chain I was hoping for in 2014. This past weekend, unfortunately, added two black links. My sister continues to struggle with her battle and as are we. She believes we are naïve, that we don't see the things she does ... right in front of our eyes.
Addicts are full of fear. Actually, as I am sitting here typing that... I think I mean I fear addicts. I fear what she is capable of. I fear of what she thinks. I fear what she feels. I fear her actions. I fear it will come to her being back on the streets. I fear she will end up in jail. I fear she will not be able around in a few months. I fear she will never get a chance to be my maid of honor. I fear I will never want her to be around my future children. I fear there will be a time we don't find her, or worse...we will, too late.
I have been dwelling on these thoughts the past 24 hours. How do I make myself at peace with this? How do I help my family get through this? How do I continue living the way I love to, with a heart-felt smile on my face? How do I support her with the amount of anger and resentment I have towards her? How do I help someone that isn't willing to be helped?
Then, I saw... my girl, Julianne Hough, posted something on social media today that said:
"Make today more beautiful by uplifting a stranger's day."
Exactly. How many times have I said, "everyone has their shit"? Everyone is going through something. Some, dealing with exactly what I am dealing with. Some, dealing with deaths or illness in a family. Some, dealing with divorce or heart break. Some, problems at work. Some, dropped their coffee this morning. Some, running late. Some, just having a bad day.
I don't know what the lady sitting next to me at church is dealing with. I don't know what the Dunkin Donuts drive thru attendant has going on. I don't know why that person on the road cut me off or why they are in a rush. I don't know how the guy pumping my gas is feeling today. I don't know, but...
After I saw the quote I found myself thinking back to the MANY things that strangers have done to make me smile, when they too, had no idea what I was going through. For starters: someone sharing a smile, someone complimenting my new boots, someone letting me in front of them as I try to merge, someone in line allowing me to go first, someone in line before me paying for my coffee, someone in the craft store handing me something they made, when wearing a jersey - someone saying "Go Steelers", someone telling me I look like a celebrity (Penny from Big Bang among one of my favorites!). How simple are these things?
Why shouldn't I take the challenge to make a stranger's day better? Didn't I preach that during my surgery? Didn't I say a bajillion times that the random acts not only from people I know, but even more so those random acts from strangers are what kept my smile through it all?
Why aren't I practicing it more? How can I practice it more?
I don't have the perfect answer yet. But, for now, I will continue to flash my smile at a passer by. I will continue to use kind words. I will continue to compliment. I will continue to share my positive stories. I will continue to make silly comments. I will continue to laugh out loud. That is where I will start.
How will you?
Amy Has a Headache was a blog I decided to write to put a positive spin on Chiari, the before, after and all between. In my opinion, I have done a good job of doing that. Chiari can suck it. It hurt, I fixed it. It caused me to live limitedly, I am now living free and easy. It was a major obstacle in my life, I overcame it.
However, I am sitting here finding myself wanting to ,once again, vent about another disease affecting my life. It's not my disease and yet it affects my health, my family's health daily.
Addiction. I have said it before and I will say it forevermore. I would never wish addiction, of any sort, on anyone.
In my last post I mentioned the colorful chain I was hoping for in 2014. This past weekend, unfortunately, added two black links. My sister continues to struggle with her battle and as are we. She believes we are naïve, that we don't see the things she does ... right in front of our eyes.
Addicts are full of fear. Actually, as I am sitting here typing that... I think I mean I fear addicts. I fear what she is capable of. I fear of what she thinks. I fear what she feels. I fear her actions. I fear it will come to her being back on the streets. I fear she will end up in jail. I fear she will not be able around in a few months. I fear she will never get a chance to be my maid of honor. I fear I will never want her to be around my future children. I fear there will be a time we don't find her, or worse...we will, too late.
I have been dwelling on these thoughts the past 24 hours. How do I make myself at peace with this? How do I help my family get through this? How do I continue living the way I love to, with a heart-felt smile on my face? How do I support her with the amount of anger and resentment I have towards her? How do I help someone that isn't willing to be helped?
Then, I saw... my girl, Julianne Hough, posted something on social media today that said:
"Make today more beautiful by uplifting a stranger's day."
Exactly. How many times have I said, "everyone has their shit"? Everyone is going through something. Some, dealing with exactly what I am dealing with. Some, dealing with deaths or illness in a family. Some, dealing with divorce or heart break. Some, problems at work. Some, dropped their coffee this morning. Some, running late. Some, just having a bad day.
I don't know what the lady sitting next to me at church is dealing with. I don't know what the Dunkin Donuts drive thru attendant has going on. I don't know why that person on the road cut me off or why they are in a rush. I don't know how the guy pumping my gas is feeling today. I don't know, but...
After I saw the quote I found myself thinking back to the MANY things that strangers have done to make me smile, when they too, had no idea what I was going through. For starters: someone sharing a smile, someone complimenting my new boots, someone letting me in front of them as I try to merge, someone in line allowing me to go first, someone in line before me paying for my coffee, someone in the craft store handing me something they made, when wearing a jersey - someone saying "Go Steelers", someone telling me I look like a celebrity (Penny from Big Bang among one of my favorites!). How simple are these things?
Why shouldn't I take the challenge to make a stranger's day better? Didn't I preach that during my surgery? Didn't I say a bajillion times that the random acts not only from people I know, but even more so those random acts from strangers are what kept my smile through it all?
Why aren't I practicing it more? How can I practice it more?
I don't have the perfect answer yet. But, for now, I will continue to flash my smile at a passer by. I will continue to use kind words. I will continue to compliment. I will continue to share my positive stories. I will continue to make silly comments. I will continue to laugh out loud. That is where I will start.
How will you?
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
A YEAR IN REVIEW
As is everyone else in the entire world, I am reflecting on
the past year…and I am struggling with it.
This year had ENDLESS ups and downs.
Looking back, I honestly can’t believe it all happened in just 365
days.
I thought, maybe just to spare you and limit myself from
infinite paragraphs of things to review, I would just do thirteen (because it
was 2013 – get it?) My hope is to put a
positive spin on everything I list, but you may notice that some are a stretch!
Here we go –
Amy’s Top 13 from 2013 (in no particular
order)!
13 – House Hunting.
I
chose this to talk about first because it is the most recent. This year has led me to really feel ready to
move out of my parents’ house and into my own.
I have spent the last few months really looking around and contemplating
where I want to be and when. Financially
I am still figuring out what is realistic and to support that I am playing the
lottery a bit more. Just kidding. But, I feel that if all the events of this
past year hadn’t happened in the order they did or in the manner they did, I
wouldn’t have felt the want or need to get out.
12 – Moving.
Obviously this goes with number 13.
As a family, we moved from my childhood home into a new, open, beautiful
home in a 55+ community. Yes, at 26, I
live in a retirement community. Have I
mentioned I NEED to get out?
Kidding…kind of. Anyway, I do
love this house. I love that I have my
own space. I love that I am less than a
mile from my childhood house. I love the
paint colors of the new house. I love
that all five of us are living in the same house again. However, all five of us are living in the
same house again. Five adults, with very
different personalities, very different attitudes, and very different
beliefs. It’s tough. So although I love my new house, love my
family being together, and love living home, I ask you to divert your eyes back
to number 13. I am ready!
11 – New Job.
I
finished out my year last year in Medford Medford Haddon Township
10 – Christmas.
Again, I know this is so recent, but this past Christmas exceeded last
years in all ways. Last year, we didn’t
know where my sister was. We were not
sure if she was safe, if she was warm, and sadly…we didn’t even know if she was
alive. This year, she was safe, she was
warm (although she is always cold), and she was very much alive. She was more alive than I have seen her in
years. She was with the entire family on
Christmas Eve. She was the first one to
wake up Christmas morning. She was so
thankful for every gift and every hug she got.
During our Christmas Eve blessing, my mommom thanked God for bringing
our smiley, silly, and happy girl back to us this year. Immediately, we all cried. I’m not kidding, there were about 25 grown
adults crying, crying the happiest of tears.
Last Christmas morning, my brother and I opened gifts from Santa, slowly
and somewhat carelessly. There was no
spirit, no happiness, and no magic. This
year during Santa presents, we laughed, we joked, we smiled and we felt the
Christmas magic that we deserved to feel.
I can’t thank God enough for his guidance in allowing my sister to be
with us fully this holiday season.
9 – Addiction.
I hate
to go from a happy Christmas to the horrible sickness of addiction, but
honestly, that is how my life goes these days.
From wonderful, happy bliss, to some days, what feels just like a black
hole. I have said it a bajillion times
before and I will continue to say it until the day I die, I would not wish
addiction on my worst enemy. It is
solely the hardest, most emotionally draining, aggravating, frustrating,
heart-breaking, disease. My mom drilled
in our brains from the day we were born that we have it in our family, it
doesn’t take much to become addicted, and she prays and hopes we will never
feel the need to experiment. Luckily, I
didn’t. Unfortunately, both my sister
and brother have had and continue to have struggles with it. I can’t speak for them or for any addict, I
can’t speak as a parent of an addict, but I can speak first hand as a sister
that has dealt with both siblings fighting the battle. My heart breaks, my chest gets tight, and I
fight tears every time the phone rings.
Every time the door bell rings.
Every time the door to my house opens or closes. Every time either of my siblings are not home
when they are supposed to be. Every time
I leave my purse in a different room than where I am. Every time I can’t find my keys. Every time I wake up. Every time I go to sleep. I live in a state of fear and anxiety for
them. Now, I am the happiest person I
know. I do love life. I do have faith that things work out how they
are supposed to. However, I will never
understand how this has happened to my family.
I don’t need to ask “why” over and over again, because I know God has
made this part of our journey for one reason or another. I will not question my faith, but I do
question the disease. I have been to an
AA meeting with my sister and I felt that alone helped me get a grip on how my
sister feels emotionally and physically as she struggles with this battle
everyday. I continue to pray and ask for
your prayers. Just to end this little
(ha WAY long) paragraph, my mom said something to me this past week that put
where we are in our own daily struggles with their addictions. She said, “Pretend we are making a paper
chain link. All the good days are
colorful and all the bad days are black.
Is our chain colorful?” In the
past six months, our chain has become more colorful. Here’s hoping 2014 is full of color.
8 – Travel.
Lets go
to a happier place. This year I got to
travel to Nashville and North Carolina Nashville North Carolina Dallas
7 – Weddings.
When I
look back on 2013, a lot of what I remember is engagement parties, bridal
showers, brides, grooms, $100 checks, electric slides, and open bars. None of which were my own, just saying. Also notice not once did I mention having a
wedding date. Again, just saying. Anyway… this was a happy year for so many of
my best friends and cousins and I was so excited to be a part of their special
days. After eight weddings in 2013, I am
getting a break in 2014 by only having five more, so far! Who knew I had so many friends?
6 – Friends.
Making a
joke about how many friends I have, shouldn’t have been a joke. This past year, showed me how many friends I really
do have. “Friend” is a term I used to
use so loosely. “My friend pumped my gas
yesterday”, okay, he wasn’t my friend, but he said “Fill it up regular?”
nicely. “My friend Justin did such a
good job on SNL last night!” Okay, again, JT is not my friend, but he makes me
laugh like my friends, so I can count it right?
In all seriousness, this year I felt the love and support of true friends. People I forgot existed reached out during my
struggles this year. People I haven’t
thought about in years sent gifts.
People I haven’t talked to in months, visited. These people define true friends. If this surgery taught me nothing else, it
taught me the importance of being there for others. The most minimal action can change an entire
day for someone. I learned this first
hand this year. I feel that I am
repeating myself a million times from previous blogs, but I plan to use all of
my friends’ nice words and actions to pay it forward. Friendship is an indescribable feeling. I am so lucky to have so many old and new.
5 – Family.
I can’t
believe family is number five on my list, but I feel like I need to mention it
before you all get bored of reading this (as if it isn’t already too
late). My family, immediate and extended
has always been number one in my life. I
spend more time with them than many do with their own. I enjoy my family, my aunts, my uncles, my
cousins, and my grandparents. They make
me laugh, smile, and feel loved. I am
lucky enough to call so many of my family members, my friends. During my surgery, my cousin in the Marines,
came and surprised me in the hospital, which may have been one of my happiest
moments in my life. During my surgery, I
got amazing gifts (including the hole for the head beach chair) to keep me
entertained and comfortable. Even months
after the surgery, I am still getting nice texts and messages checking up on
me. I will never take my family for
granted or the time I have with them.
Thank you for always being there for me and with me during my hardest
days.
4 – Surgery.
In my
opinion, my brain surgery defines my year.
I had brain surgery. Me. In my head.
A cow-heart. In my head. Big scar.
In my head. So cool. I can not believe it was just over ten months
ago. When I think back to the beginning
of 2013, the pain, the agony, the frustration, and the fear I had, it makes me
laugh. Look at me now. My abilities are endless. I can eat dinner and not drop the fork. I can keep water in my mouth. I can brush my teeth without gagging. I can hold a beer in my right hand and not
drop it (usually). I can walk through
the mall without having to leave early.
I can shower without getting dizzy.
I can sleep through the night without waking up due to pain. I can work an entire day of school and not
have to come home to lay down. I can
live. I really think I forgot what it
felt like to be healthy. I became so
accustomed to my lifestyle of laying around, holding myself back, that I didn’t
realize how much more I can really do at just 26 years old. I thank my lucky stars daily for such a
well-versed, understanding, and caring doctor.
I thank my lucky stars for a successful surgery with no complications. I thank my lucky stars for my mom who had to
bathe me and get me in and out of bed for about a month. I thank my lucky stars
for the conversation starter I now have.
I thank my lucky stars for my pain-free, comfortable, and healthy life I
am living now. I thank God for giving me
these lucky stars.
3 – Happiness.
The
past few months I have been questioning my happiness. Am I really happy? Why do I feel sad and scared so often? Am I putting on an act? Can I really be this smiley when everything
around me feels so broken? I’ve found
that the answer is yes. I can be this
happy. I have so much in my life to be
thankful for: Parents who are always
there for me. Siblings, who despite
their choices, do love me unconditionally.
Cousins who are my best friends.
Best friends who are like family.
A (nice) shelter, tons of food, plenty of clothing. A job I love.
A God to guide me. I have
everything I could ever need. Of course
I can be happy. Being happy doesn’t mean
you don’t have dark days. Being happy
means trying to find the positive in all situations. Being happy means seeing the good in all
people. Being happy means being patient
with those who aren’t. I’ve come to
learn that everyone has their own “shit”, as I like to say. Everyone is dealing with something. Flashing a smile is all it takes
sometimes. There is a Sugarland song
that says, “Happiness is something we create”.
I believe it. There is “happy” in
everyone. You just need to find your own
“happy”. My happy is spending time with
my family and friends, making people laugh, going to work, being on the beach,
watching sports, driving with windows down and country music loud, and living a
simple life. If you do nothing else for
yourself in the new year, I suggest you reflect and find your happy. Everyone has it in them, and everyone
deserves to feel it.
2 – Faith.
I have
become more in tune with my faith this past year than any other. When we were little, we always said our
prayers at night before falling asleep with Mama or Daddy. There was a routine to how we did it. To this day, I use that routine prayer before
I fall asleep, including “Keep me a good girl, happy girl, and healthy
girl.” God listens. He has kept me good, has clearly kept me
happy, and through many odds, a very healthy girl. This past year, I have prayed morning, noon
and night. I have been selfish in my
prayers and I have been giving in my prayers.
I believe He has guided me to see the light in all obstacles I have
encountered this year. I will honor Him
in the upcoming year, by going to church more regularly. I look forward to thanking God for all He has
brought to me this year and the love He has shown me. After making it through this very, very
difficult year, I have become stronger in my faith and I couldn’t be happier
about it.
1 – Hope.
HOPE. HOPE. HOPE. I
can’t even begin to tell you how many times I said hope this year. I hope I don’t need surgery. I hope my surgery goes well. I hope I get a cute doctor. I hope my recovery is shorter than
expected. I hope I can go back to work. I hope I don’t get any more headaches. I hope the ocean doesn’t hurt my head. I hope I can be a dancing machine at all
these weddings. I hope I can go on my
trip with no pain. I hope I can shower
again without tingles. I hope I get a
new job. I hope my sister comes home
soon. I hope people will read my
blog. I hope the Phillies make big moves
this offseason. I hope Crosby
doesn’t get another concussion. I hope
Succop makes this field goal so the Steelers can go to playoffs. I hope my car doesn’t run out of gas. I hope my sister has a safe trip to and from Boston
I could go on forever.
Hope. My hope has pulled me
through.
But I hope (there I go again) you all realize that this year
has been a constant roller coaster. All
of my days have been a roller coaster. By
keeping my hope and by vocalizing my hopes, I feel I have been able to get
myself through.
Sometimes I think to myself, what if I had a negative
attitude? What if I was saying, “I don’t
want this surgery, I won’t get a cute doctor, I am going to be recovering
forever, I won’t go back to work, my
sister will never get better, I am never going to get a job, the Phillies will
never change their ways, my Stromboli will burn.” – Not what if. I know if I had those negative thoughts in my
head, that is exactly what would have happened.
I believe my hope, my positivity, optimism, and happiness is
exactly what got me successfully through the (what I hope to be) most difficult
year of my life.
I hope you all enjoyed reading my blog throughout 2013. I hope to continue to write in 2014. I hope you all know how happy I am to share
my journey through my surgery and my recovery from Chiari Malformation. I hope you all have a safe, happy, and
healthy new year! J
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