Out of My Mind

I have spent the last two months literally feeling out of my mind and out of my body. 

There have been so many changes in my life and daily routine, that I just feel like I am standing on the outside watching someone else live my life.

I am living by myself in a house that I bought.  It is such a bittersweet thing for me.  If anything I have learned that I, in fact, don't do well alone.  I get inside my own head and have a lot of trouble getting myself back to some sanity.  I have kept myself very busy over the last few months.  I have agreed to do a lot of extra work things, spent time with old friends, happy hour with new, and agreeing to almost any plans that I am approached with. 

Don't get me wrong, I love being busy. But, I miss being able to just sit, watch TV and let my mind get lost in Jax Teller's eyes or in Chandler's humor. 

Half the time, I don't even know what I am thinking about.  Does that make sense?  Literally as I was typing that I started thinking about what a rhetorical question is and if what I just asked counts as one, looked up and thought where did I put my water, wait, did I switch my sheets, I want to take some Advil, ew I don't remember Leonard and Sheldon getting a cat, OH MY GOSH DID I PAY THAT PARKING TICKET? 

Seriously? Is this what happens to grown ups?  How do people have jobs they don't love? How do people have kids to take care, dinner to make and a house to clean all at the same time of these other thoughts?

I know my life isn't tough, and I hate to complain.  I am just in such a funk. 

I am one of the most confident, happiest, funniest people I know and yet I feel like my crazy mind has taken over everything I have ever been confident, happy, and funny about. 

I know buying the house was so huge and exciting, but then I question, should I have gone south now since I have nothing holding me back here?  I know living alone is good for everyone to do once in their life, but then I think who the heck is going to listen to my stories tonight!?  I know being confident in who you are is a key to finding someone, but why do I feel so lonely?  I know I have a full time job next year, but what am I teaching? My sister is doing okay, but why do I always feel so angry?  The Phillies, why do they suck so bad?

I know this all sounds like a negative post, which is not my favorite thing to do but there is an optimistic angle.  Promise.  The bright side of all these uneasy feelings is that I can complain about these things.  It is funny.  For the last twenty four hours I have had a horrible headache.  It has caused me to feel very weak and tired.  But, it isn't a Chiari headache.  Just a sinus or allergy headache over my eyes.  No big deal, except it does hurt...

I just sat here and wrote an entire blog about other things than my headache.  That is how I know my surgery was still the best decision I made (or that was made for me). 

Yes, I do still get headaches, occasionally tingling, and often drop things out of my right hand.  From what I read and hear, it is all still very normal.  I am not worried, it does not affect my day to day life by any means, and I am sitting here capable of rambling complaints like the average twenty six year old! 

As I have always said, Life is Good.  I have family that supports me even through these crazy, not so happy times.  I have great friends and coworkers that have become friends.  I have a shore house to escape to every weekend.  I have a roommate moving in soon.  I have four weddings and a few bachelorette parties coming up in the next few months with some great friends.  My cousin is coming up a few times this summer to visit from North Carolina.  I have a job I look forward to going to every day.  I made out with professional hockey player and I don't care who knows it! :)

I know I need to get out of my own head, bring the confidence, happiness, and humor back into who I am.  I can't get lost in these looney thoughts that I have very little control over. 

I went through brain surgery, with a confident smile and laughed much of the time.  I know I can get through this little road block in life with the same confident smile and laugh all of the time, just need to put it all in perspective sometimes. 

There is a guy I follow on Instagram named Tyler Knott Gregson and he posts thoughts in fancy typewriter font.  I swear sometimes he is just in my brain, taking all the rambled thoughts and putting them on paper in a rhythmic, sense-making, poetic phrase.  This one, being one of my favorites, seems so simple and however if I were to phrase it, it would sound like AHHHHHHH. 

"Sometimes, you just cannot sigh deep enough." 

He just gets me! :)

13 Months: From Brain Surgery to Homeowner

Okay, for starters, 13 months?  How?  Where did the time go?  I am sitting here, full of anxiety, nerves, fear, happiness, excitement, and in all honesty, shock.

13 months ago today, I too, was feeling all those feelings.  Anxiety, nerves, fear about the surgery I would undergo in just a few short sleepless hours.  Happiness and excitement for the fact that I may, in just a few months, be able to start living the life of a normal 26 year old girl.  Shock that I was going to have brain surgery, they were going to shave a part of my head, that I would have a cow heart permanently patched to my skull, and that this was all happening to me.

Tonight, 13 months later, I am again sitting here full of emotion.  Anxiety, nerves, fear about the idea that I will be signing my life (and bank account) away in just a few short sleepless hours.  Happiness and excitement for the fact that I am living the normal life of a 26 year old girl by buying my very first home.  Shock, that in a little over a year after having brain surgery, having part of my head shaved, a cow heart patched to my skull, that I am able to accomplish this HUGE milestone in my life.

Never.  Never in the 12 months previous to having the offer accepted on the house would I have believed anyone that said I would be able to do this.  Seriously.  I could barely go to work each day, let alone make my bed in the morning.  I had surgery, I was out of work for two months.  I was unsure of a job scenario for this past year.  I felt I couldn't leave because I was so emotionally attached to my sister's addiction.  I had dinner on the table every night, a DVR in my room, a cleaning lady and a fancy new house.  Let's be honest, I was living comfortably. 

However, the countless times I said "I am so ready to get out", "I need to move out", "How long until I can realistically do this?" are now a reality.  I am ready to get out.  I am moving out.  Realistically, I can do this. 

It is so funny to me how my mind and body work.  Before my surgery, yes I was an emotional wreck.  I felt every emotion in the book and I feel like I probably even made up a few.  However, I never second guessed my decision.  I was confident in the fact it was the right thing for me, that I would come out of it 100% better, and I would never regret having the surgery.  I was positive, sure, and always hopeful. 

Brain surgery. No big deal. I was okay with it. I could do it. 

Homeownership.  Slightly different story.  I am an overwhelmed maniac.  Don't get me wrong.  I am so, so excited.  I can't wait to be on my own, have my own space, and be a grown up.  But, there is so much fear and anxiety attached to this decision.  Is this the right time?  Can I live by myself?  Is this the right location? (With these weather patterns, I am second guessing this more and more ... South is looking REAL good these days!) Do I want to paint this room a color?  Will I have a roommate?  Can I afford to live on a tight budget?  Do I bother getting extra sports channels to watch the sucky Phillies this year? 

I am trying to practice what I preached throughout the surgery and recovery.  Stop asking what if.  Deal with what is at hand.  And, I know I will.  I am just finding so many ways to compare these two HUGE life changing scenarios that I have dealt with in the last year.  I am literally sitting here shaking my head at the fact that I was more okay with my surgery than I am with signing these papers tomorrow. 

Or is it just like what they say about child birth and its been long enough since the surgery that I am forgetting all that fear and anxiety I had leading up to it?

Alright, enough.  There are so many things I am confident with in this house, that I am now changing my mind.  From here on out, all positives.  I can't wait to have that key in my hand tomorrow.  I can't wait to see the floors once they are laid.  I can't wait to paint my room.  I can't wait to sleep there for the first night.  I can't wait to "cook" my first meal, or have someone do it for me. ;)  I can't wait to see where I am going to put all my giraffe things.  I can't wait to prove to myself that this is exactly what I should be doing at this point in my life. 

So, this was not a very Chiari-based post, but more so an outlet to organize my chaotic thoughts. 

Isn't it so cool that 13 months later my brain does hurt, BUT that its from thinking about paint colors and giraffe placement? AH! Life is Good.  :)

One Freaking Year Anniversary and Some Other Good Stuff!

WHAT!? ALMOST ONE YEAR!? HOW?!

I literally can not stop asking myself (and everyone around me) how an entire year has passed since my surgery.

Like, for real.

Okay, here are my thoughts.  One year, 12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days...all those hours and minutes have come and gone since what may have been the scariest day of my life. Not only have they come and gone but they have been the most exciting, exhausting, silly, mentally draining, hilarious, scary, intimidating, rewarding, eye opening, nerve wrecking, happy, sad, funny, embarrassing, and amazing year of my life.  My vocabulary isn't very extensive, so therefore I am having difficulty coming up with more adjectives, but you get the gist. 

Rather than reflect on each adjective, I am going to group them.

Let's get the negatives out of the way: I had a few rough weeks in the beginning of my recovery, as expected.  It took me awhile to feel like myself. Once I was feeling better, I still struggled with nerve pain for a long while (still happens occasionally).  My head itches lots around the incision.  My baby hairs (which were shaven) took forever to grow in and always look silly in a high pony or bun. My sister still battles addiction.  Hunter Pence is still in San Fran.  None of my doctors became my boyfriends.  --- Tough life, huh?

Let's switch gears to all the fun stuff. 

All positives: As I mention in each and every post, I feel incredible, great, awesome, healthy, wonderful... (again with the adjective thing).  Having surgery was the best decision I have ever made!  Okay wait side note: yeah right, it was not really my decision, but I still give myself credit! ;) 

After living a life in discomfort, worry, and utter pain, I am living a normal life.  Normal is the perfect adjective for where I am in life right now.  I am 26 years old.  I wake up in the morning, have my coffee, pack and lunch and go to a job that I absolutely love (okay, lucky should be added there).  I come home, go for a run, do some Netflixing, shower comfortably, and go to bed at a normal time.  IT'S THE BEST!

A few more positives from the past year:  My cousin in the Marines visited me in the hospital, and made my heart rate sky rocket.  I got more giraffes for my collection than I know what to do with.  I was visited my family and friends and showered with undeserved gifts and treats.  I got to go back to work at a job that I loved, and start a new one that I love just as much.  I got hooked on Homeland, Shameless, White Collar and Sons of Anarchy which made my Netflix bill more than worthwhile.  I went to Nashville and saw many, many cute southern boys. I went to eight weddings in one summer.  I fed a giraffe!  Most importantly, the newest and most exciting news from this past year (tough to beat the giraffe feeding, I admit)...

I just signed contracts for my very first house!  AH!!!

If you had told me last year, on February 24th, 2013 that on February 24th, 2014 I would be signing contracts for my very first house, I absolutely, positively, 100% would have laughed in your face.  I couldn't even hold a pencil in my hand, how would I be able to sign all those papers? Today, I was able to sign paper, after paper, after paper.  I didn't even drop the pen once!  

I am speechless.  Or well, more like typeless.  As I am sitting here typing this I can not believe it myself. 

I have been planning this "1 year Brainiversiary" (as I like to call it) blog for the last month.  I was going to write a few quotes that inspired me this year (I still may on a different post).  I was going to post a picture of my scar.  I was going to tell you my latest updates, blah blah blah. However, today happened.  I got home a bit ago from signing my contracts and putting down a deposit.  In just one short month, I will be a home owner.  YIKES!

It's funny.  One year ago today, I was laying down, watching TV, with an ice pack on, freaking out that in just four days, I would be undergoing brain surgery.  One of the scariest days of my life. 

Today, I went to an office, held a pen, and signed my name a bajillion times and handed over a big check.  Again, one of the scariest days of my life.  A year ago, I would have never hoped that a year later I would still be feeling so scared.  Yet, here I am, the happiest scared person ever! 

So, excited, anxious, nervous rant over ... I gave myself what I think may be the coolest One Year Brainiversiary gift ever.  I am movin on! AH :)

I'm sure I will do another fun blog sometime closer to Friday, but I needed to let out some of my fears, excitement, and overwhelming craziness!  YAY!!!

Also, holy adjectives in this post, huh? ;)

Challenge Accepted

I am sitting here.  Unsure.  Unsure how to start this blog.  Unsure of why I chose to write one in this moment.  Unsure of how honest to be.  Unsure of myself.

Amy Has a Headache was a blog I decided to write to put a positive spin on Chiari, the before, after and all between.  In my opinion, I have done a good job of doing that.  Chiari can suck it.  It hurt, I fixed it.  It caused me to live limitedly, I am now living free and easy.  It was a major obstacle in my life, I overcame it. 

However, I am sitting here finding myself wanting to ,once again, vent about another disease affecting my life.  It's not my disease and yet it affects my health, my family's health daily. 

Addiction.  I have said it before and I will say it forevermore.  I would never wish addiction, of any sort, on anyone. 

In my last post I mentioned the colorful chain I was hoping for in 2014.  This past weekend, unfortunately, added two black links.  My sister continues to struggle with her battle and as are we.  She believes we are naïve, that we don't see the things she does ... right in front of our eyes. 

Addicts are full of fear.  Actually, as I am sitting here typing that... I think I mean I fear addicts.  I fear what she is capable of.  I fear of what she thinks.  I fear what she feels.  I fear her actions. I fear it will come to her being back on the streets.  I fear she will end up in jail.  I fear she will not be able around in a few months.  I fear she will never get a chance to be my maid of honor.  I fear I will never want her to be around my future children.  I fear there will be a time we don't find her, or worse...we will, too late.

I have been dwelling on these thoughts the past 24 hours.  How do I make myself at peace with this?  How do I help my family get through this?  How do I continue living the way I love to, with a heart-felt smile on my face?  How do I support her with the amount of anger and resentment I have towards her?  How do I help someone that isn't willing to be helped?

Then, I saw... my girl, Julianne Hough, posted something on social media today that said:

"Make today more beautiful by uplifting a stranger's day."

Exactly.  How many times have I said, "everyone has their shit"?  Everyone is going through something.  Some, dealing with exactly what I am dealing with.  Some, dealing with deaths or illness in a family.  Some, dealing with divorce or heart break.  Some, problems at work.  Some, dropped their coffee this morning.  Some, running late.  Some, just having a bad day.  

I don't know what the lady sitting next to me at church is dealing with.  I don't know what the Dunkin Donuts drive thru attendant has going on.  I don't know why that person on the road cut me off or why they are in a rush.  I don't know how the guy pumping my gas is feeling today.  I don't know, but...

After I saw the quote I found myself thinking back to the MANY things that strangers have done to make me smile, when they too, had no idea what I was going through.  For starters: someone sharing a smile, someone complimenting my new boots, someone letting me in front of them as I try to merge, someone in line allowing me to go first, someone in line before me paying for my coffee, someone in the craft store handing me something they made, when wearing a jersey - someone saying "Go Steelers", someone telling me I look like a celebrity (Penny from Big Bang among one of my favorites!).  How simple are these things? 

Why shouldn't I take the challenge to make a stranger's day better?  Didn't I preach that during my surgery?  Didn't I say a bajillion times that the random acts not only from people I know, but even more so those random acts from strangers are what kept my smile through it all? 

Why aren't I practicing it more?  How can I practice it more? 

I don't have the perfect answer yet.  But, for now, I will continue to flash my smile at a passer by.  I will continue to use kind words. I will continue to compliment.  I will continue to share my positive stories.  I will continue to make silly comments.  I will continue to laugh out loud.  That is where I will start. 

How will you? 

A YEAR IN REVIEW

As is everyone else in the entire world, I am reflecting on the past year…and I am struggling with it.  This year had ENDLESS ups and downs.  Looking back, I honestly can’t believe it all happened in just 365 days. 

I thought, maybe just to spare you and limit myself from infinite paragraphs of things to review, I would just do thirteen (because it was 2013 – get it?)  My hope is to put a positive spin on everything I list, but you may notice that some are a stretch!

Here we go –

 

Amy’s Top 13 from 2013 (in no particular order)!

13 – House Hunting. 

 

I chose this to talk about first because it is the most recent.  This year has led me to really feel ready to move out of my parents’ house and into my own.  I have spent the last few months really looking around and contemplating where I want to be and when.  Financially I am still figuring out what is realistic and to support that I am playing the lottery a bit more.  Just kidding.  But, I feel that if all the events of this past year hadn’t happened in the order they did or in the manner they did, I wouldn’t have felt the want or need to get out. 

12 – Moving. 

 

Obviously this goes with number 13.  As a family, we moved from my childhood home into a new, open, beautiful home in a 55+ community.  Yes, at 26, I live in a retirement community.  Have I mentioned I NEED to get out?  Kidding…kind of.  Anyway, I do love this house.  I love that I have my own space.  I love that I am less than a mile from my childhood house.  I love the paint colors of the new house.  I love that all five of us are living in the same house again.  However, all five of us are living in the same house again.  Five adults, with very different personalities, very different attitudes, and very different beliefs.  It’s tough.  So although I love my new house, love my family being together, and love living home, I ask you to divert your eyes back to number 13.  I am ready! 

11 – New Job. 

 

I finished out my year last year in Medford with so much support, great friends, and wonderful families.  I couldn’t have asked for a better school to be in during such a difficult year of my life.  I felt I could talk to many of my friends within the school.  Administration was understanding.  I had parent support.  I had students that cared.  I didn’t want to leave.  My time in Medford was wonderful and really molded me to be the teacher that I have always wanted to be.  Then, in August, I got hired in Haddon Township.  I was nervous, skeptical, and anxious.  From day one, they were welcoming, complimentary, and supportive.  I get to co-teach with two wonderful teachers.  I have made what I believe will be life-long friendships.  It is a very different district in terms of culture, diversity and socioeconomic status, which just makes me appreciate my job even more.  I am proud to work in such a caring district.  I still enjoy going to work everyday and can truly say I LOVE MY JOB!

10 – Christmas. 

 

Again, I know this is so recent, but this past Christmas exceeded last years in all ways.  Last year, we didn’t know where my sister was.  We were not sure if she was safe, if she was warm, and sadly…we didn’t even know if she was alive.  This year, she was safe, she was warm (although she is always cold), and she was very much alive.  She was more alive than I have seen her in years.  She was with the entire family on Christmas Eve.  She was the first one to wake up Christmas morning.  She was so thankful for every gift and every hug she got.  During our Christmas Eve blessing, my mommom thanked God for bringing our smiley, silly, and happy girl back to us this year.  Immediately, we all cried.  I’m not kidding, there were about 25 grown adults crying, crying the happiest of tears.  Last Christmas morning, my brother and I opened gifts from Santa, slowly and somewhat carelessly.  There was no spirit, no happiness, and no magic.  This year during Santa presents, we laughed, we joked, we smiled and we felt the Christmas magic that we deserved to feel.  I can’t thank God enough for his guidance in allowing my sister to be with us fully this holiday season.

9 – Addiction. 

 

I hate to go from a happy Christmas to the horrible sickness of addiction, but honestly, that is how my life goes these days.  From wonderful, happy bliss, to some days, what feels just like a black hole.  I have said it a bajillion times before and I will continue to say it until the day I die, I would not wish addiction on my worst enemy.  It is solely the hardest, most emotionally draining, aggravating, frustrating, heart-breaking, disease.  My mom drilled in our brains from the day we were born that we have it in our family, it doesn’t take much to become addicted, and she prays and hopes we will never feel the need to experiment.  Luckily, I didn’t.  Unfortunately, both my sister and brother have had and continue to have struggles with it.  I can’t speak for them or for any addict, I can’t speak as a parent of an addict, but I can speak first hand as a sister that has dealt with both siblings fighting the battle.  My heart breaks, my chest gets tight, and I fight tears every time the phone rings.  Every time the door bell rings.  Every time the door to my house opens or closes.  Every time either of my siblings are not home when they are supposed to be.  Every time I leave my purse in a different room than where I am.  Every time I can’t find my keys.  Every time I wake up.  Every time I go to sleep.  I live in a state of fear and anxiety for them.  Now, I am the happiest person I know.  I do love life.  I do have faith that things work out how they are supposed to.  However, I will never understand how this has happened to my family.  I don’t need to ask “why” over and over again, because I know God has made this part of our journey for one reason or another.  I will not question my faith, but I do question the disease.  I have been to an AA meeting with my sister and I felt that alone helped me get a grip on how my sister feels emotionally and physically as she struggles with this battle everyday.  I continue to pray and ask for your prayers.  Just to end this little (ha WAY long) paragraph, my mom said something to me this past week that put where we are in our own daily struggles with their addictions.  She said, “Pretend we are making a paper chain link.  All the good days are colorful and all the bad days are black.  Is our chain colorful?”  In the past six months, our chain has become more colorful.  Here’s hoping 2014 is full of color. 

8 – Travel. 

 

Lets go to a happier place.  This year I got to travel to Nashville and North Carolina.  Nashville was a dream come true with all the cowboys, country music and southern cooking!  I had such a wonderful time celebrating my best friend’s bachelorette party and spending time with great friends.  North Carolina was equally exciting because I GOT TO FEED A GIRAFFE!  I spent a full eight days away from home, headache free and feeling wonderful.  A year ago, I never would have booked this trip, knowing I would have had much difficulty getting through the first half of the trip, let alone a second part.  Since my surgery, I have successfully traveled and have booked a trip to Dallas in the spring. I am one lucky girl to be feeling well enough that I can now plan ahead with little to no fear.  J

7 – Weddings. 

 

When I look back on 2013, a lot of what I remember is engagement parties, bridal showers, brides, grooms, $100 checks, electric slides, and open bars.  None of which were my own, just saying.  Also notice not once did I mention having a wedding date.  Again, just saying.  Anyway… this was a happy year for so many of my best friends and cousins and I was so excited to be a part of their special days.  After eight weddings in 2013, I am getting a break in 2014 by only having five more, so far!  Who knew I had so many friends?

6 – Friends. 

 

Making a joke about how many friends I have, shouldn’t have been a joke.  This past year, showed me how many friends I really do have.  “Friend” is a term I used to use so loosely.  “My friend pumped my gas yesterday”, okay, he wasn’t my friend, but he said “Fill it up regular?” nicely.  “My friend Justin did such a good job on SNL last night!” Okay, again, JT is not my friend, but he makes me laugh like my friends, so I can count it right?  In all seriousness, this year I felt the love and support of true friends.  People I forgot existed reached out during my struggles this year.  People I haven’t thought about in years sent gifts.  People I haven’t talked to in months, visited.  These people define true friends.  If this surgery taught me nothing else, it taught me the importance of being there for others.  The most minimal action can change an entire day for someone.  I learned this first hand this year.  I feel that I am repeating myself a million times from previous blogs, but I plan to use all of my friends’ nice words and actions to pay it forward.  Friendship is an indescribable feeling.  I am so lucky to have so many old and new.

5 – Family. 

 

I can’t believe family is number five on my list, but I feel like I need to mention it before you all get bored of reading this (as if it isn’t already too late).  My family, immediate and extended has always been number one in my life.  I spend more time with them than many do with their own.  I enjoy my family, my aunts, my uncles, my cousins, and my grandparents.  They make me laugh, smile, and feel loved.  I am lucky enough to call so many of my family members, my friends.  During my surgery, my cousin in the Marines, came and surprised me in the hospital, which may have been one of my happiest moments in my life.  During my surgery, I got amazing gifts (including the hole for the head beach chair) to keep me entertained and comfortable.  Even months after the surgery, I am still getting nice texts and messages checking up on me.  I will never take my family for granted or the time I have with them.  Thank you for always being there for me and with me during my hardest days. 

4 – Surgery. 

 

In my opinion, my brain surgery defines my year.  I had brain surgery.  Me.  In my head.  A cow-heart.  In my head.  Big scar.  In my head.  So cool.  I can not believe it was just over ten months ago.  When I think back to the beginning of 2013, the pain, the agony, the frustration, and the fear I had, it makes me laugh.  Look at me now.  My abilities are endless.  I can eat dinner and not drop the fork.  I can keep water in my mouth.  I can brush my teeth without gagging.  I can hold a beer in my right hand and not drop it (usually).  I can walk through the mall without having to leave early.  I can shower without getting dizzy.  I can sleep through the night without waking up due to pain.  I can work an entire day of school and not have to come home to lay down.  I can live.  I really think I forgot what it felt like to be healthy.  I became so accustomed to my lifestyle of laying around, holding myself back, that I didn’t realize how much more I can really do at just 26 years old.  I thank my lucky stars daily for such a well-versed, understanding, and caring doctor.  I thank my lucky stars for a successful surgery with no complications.  I thank my lucky stars for my mom who had to bathe me and get me in and out of bed for about a month. I thank my lucky stars for the conversation starter I now have.   I thank my lucky stars for my pain-free, comfortable, and healthy life I am living now.  I thank God for giving me these lucky stars. 

3 – Happiness. 

 

The past few months I have been questioning my happiness.  Am I really happy?  Why do I feel sad and scared so often?  Am I putting on an act?  Can I really be this smiley when everything around me feels so broken?  I’ve found that the answer is yes.  I can be this happy.  I have so much in my life to be thankful for:  Parents who are always there for me.  Siblings, who despite their choices, do love me unconditionally.  Cousins who are my best friends.  Best friends who are like family.  A (nice) shelter, tons of food, plenty of clothing.  A job I love.  A God to guide me.  I have everything I could ever need.  Of course I can be happy.  Being happy doesn’t mean you don’t have dark days.  Being happy means trying to find the positive in all situations.  Being happy means seeing the good in all people.  Being happy means being patient with those who aren’t.  I’ve come to learn that everyone has their own “shit”, as I like to say.  Everyone is dealing with something.  Flashing a smile is all it takes sometimes.  There is a Sugarland song that says, “Happiness is something we create”.  I believe it.  There is “happy” in everyone.  You just need to find your own “happy”.  My happy is spending time with my family and friends, making people laugh, going to work, being on the beach, watching sports, driving with windows down and country music loud, and living a simple life.  If you do nothing else for yourself in the new year, I suggest you reflect and find your happy.  Everyone has it in them, and everyone deserves to feel it. 

2 – Faith. 

 

I have become more in tune with my faith this past year than any other.  When we were little, we always said our prayers at night before falling asleep with Mama or Daddy.  There was a routine to how we did it.  To this day, I use that routine prayer before I fall asleep, including “Keep me a good girl, happy girl, and healthy girl.”  God listens.  He has kept me good, has clearly kept me happy, and through many odds, a very healthy girl.  This past year, I have prayed morning, noon and night.  I have been selfish in my prayers and I have been giving in my prayers.  I believe He has guided me to see the light in all obstacles I have encountered this year.  I will honor Him in the upcoming year, by going to church more regularly.  I look forward to thanking God for all He has brought to me this year and the love He has shown me.  After making it through this very, very difficult year, I have become stronger in my faith and I couldn’t be happier about it.

1 – Hope. 

 

HOPE. HOPE.  HOPE.  I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I said hope this year.  I hope I don’t need surgery.   I hope my surgery goes well.  I hope I get a cute doctor.  I hope my recovery is shorter than expected.  I hope I can go back to work.  I hope I don’t get any more headaches.  I hope the ocean doesn’t hurt my head.  I hope I can be a dancing machine at all these weddings.  I hope I can go on my trip with no pain.  I hope I can shower again without tingles.  I hope I get a new job.  I hope my sister comes home soon.  I hope people will read my blog.  I hope the Phillies make big moves this offseason.  I hope Crosby doesn’t get another concussion.  I hope Succop makes this field goal so the Steelers can go to playoffs.  I hope my car doesn’t run out of gas.  I hope my sister has a safe trip to and from Boston.  I hope my brother doesn’t break his arm snowboarding or skateboarding again.  I hope my friends having babies have safe deliveries.  I hope my friends getting married are happy and beat the odds.  I hope no one judges my little baby hairs growing back.  I hope my strombolis come out good.  I hope….

 

I could go on forever.  Hope.  My hope has pulled me through.

 

But I hope (there I go again) you all realize that this year has been a constant roller coaster.  All of my days have been a roller coaster.  By keeping my hope and by vocalizing my hopes, I feel I have been able to get myself through. 

Sometimes I think to myself, what if I had a negative attitude?  What if I was saying, “I don’t want this surgery, I won’t get a cute doctor, I am going to be recovering forever, I won’t go back to work,  my sister will never get better, I am never going to get a job, the Phillies will never change their ways, my Stromboli will burn.” – Not what if.  I know if I had those negative thoughts in my head, that is exactly what would have happened. 

I believe my hope, my positivity, optimism, and happiness is exactly what got me successfully through the (what I hope to be) most difficult year of my life. 

I hope you all enjoyed reading my blog throughout 2013.  I hope to continue to write in 2014.  I hope you all know how happy I am to share my journey through my surgery and my recovery from Chiari Malformation.  I hope you all have a safe, happy, and healthy new year!  J

Minor Freak Out

Okay, this probably won't be a long post, but for my own sanity it is a quick outlet.  

I have been sick for the last few days with a common cold.  I really haven't complained much, but have laid low and didn't do anything but relax this weekend.  

However, late this afternoon, I was laying on my bed, watching my new obsession, Sons of Anarchy, when all the sudden I felt a severe shooting pain in my head.  Right near my incision, I suddenly felt something that I can best describe as a pinched nerve constantly pinching and pinching hard.  It took my breath away.  My anxiety sky-rocketed.  I was convinced this was it.   

Okay, I am getting dramatic, but I have to admit I really did start to panic.  I calmed myself down, paused my show, got up and ran to get an ice pack.  I ran into my mom and dad in the kitchen and let them know that if something should happen to me tonight, to tell the doctors that I did complain of pain near the incision.  This isn't something they haven't heard before.  Every time something feels out of wack in my head, I tell them, you know...just in case!  

Again, dramatic.  I know.  But, in my defense, IT IS MY BRAIN.  I know that it has been nearly nine months since my surgery.  I know Dr. Vez has cleared me.  I know I have felt great.  I know I have very few limitations anymore.  I know.  But, when something like this sudden and severe pain happens, I freak.  

It scares me that just about nine months ago, my head was open and doctors were poking around.  It scares me that just about nine months and a day ago, I had horrible symptoms that debilitated my daily living.  It scares me that most days my life is completely normal and pain-free.  It scares me that today, something felt different.  

I can't say it enough, I know I am overreacting.  My mom and dad have told me five times already tonight.  I just want to be sure that if something did happen to go wrong, they know, and now the blog world knows, that my head had an uncommon, fierce pain at the base of my skull to the left of my incision.  

The pain has subsided with ice and some Advil.  I am still having trouble steadying my breath, but I think that is more so my anxiety and mind getting me worked up.  Hopefully, it was just a pinched nerve or some kind of muscle pain.  Fingers crossed!

Enough with the theatrics.  

As for everything else in my life...I'm pretty content.  Thinking to where I was this time last year as the holidays quickly approach ... I am no where near the dark place I was.  I am so far on the bright side now.  I am healthy (minus today's episode), my sister is home and safe, my mom is cancer free, my whole family will be together for the holidays this year, I am living comfortably in the new house and really liking it! 

Things are going to change in the next few weeks.  One of my best friends who happens to be my co-teacher is going out on maternity leave.  Happy to have a new baby in my life, sad she's leaving me!  I will have many more days off of work due to Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks.  I know for normal people this would be a great change, but I LOVE my job.  I LOVE being busy and I LOVE having a schedule.  So almost two full weeks off with no real plans, bores me.  Also, this should be on the positive side, but I finally feel that I am in a place that I want to move out.  Making it a negative, is my anxiety in trying to figure out what makes sense for me.  Last, I am going to finish my SOA episodes on Netflix and have to watch in real time.  I HATE waiting a whole week in between episodes! 

So this wasn't my happiest of posts, but keeping my faith that this was a minor glitch in my otherwise perfect recovery.  Let me reiterate, I mean MINOR.  Now that I am done typing this, I am realizing, you all reading it are probably thinking... what a wimp! 

Oh well, this was the purpose of the blog all along.  I wanted to use it as an outlet to write my journey through having Chiari and the recovery after my decompression surgery.  Being that Chiari is never "cured", this is all part of my journey with Chiari and even though its been almost nine months, there are certain days I would still call this my recovery.  Here's hoping the next month of my journey and recovery are equally pain-free and simple as the last few have been, well you know...not including today.  

....not to be melodramatic, but maybe throw in some extra prayers for me tonight, just to be sure! ;) 

Sharing Happiness

My birthday is tomorrow.  For those of you that don't know me, this is my favorite day of the whole year.  

Fittingly, it just so happens, this weekend has been one of my favorites of THIS whole year. 

Short version of all the amazing things from this week: It is almost my 26th birthday, woah! My cousin passed her PRAXIS exam to allow her to become a licensed speech pathologist upon graduation.  Her sister got engaged to the man of her dreams and a guy that I absolutely LOVE to be around.  A cousin of mine who has been trying to have a baby for years and has had many miscarriages, is far enough along now to share the exciting news with the world!  My sister was invited to a wedding that the rest of my family is going to because the bride and groom are believing and seeing her success in recovery right now.  My best friend got married this weekend and it was one of the most fun nights of my life.  

As a quick side note, my parents were also at this wedding.  We have decided we know why I don't have a boyfriend.  I spent over an hour dancing with a four-year-old and two six-year-olds.  The six-year-olds were over my dance moves quickly, but I spent the next hour choreographing dances with the four-year-old.  Just to make it more extraordinary, this four-year-old was diagnosed with cancer and has been going through treatments.  It was so special to spend the night smiling, belly-laughing, and dancing with this little ray of sunshine.  She truly made my night more memorable than I could ever imagine and a night that I will never forget. 

Also today, my sister asked me to attend a meeting with her.  She told me it was a speaker meeting and that I would just have to sit and listen.  She explained that it would mean a lot to her for me to see what it is like for her each day.  Hesitantly, I went.  I couldn't be happier that I did! It was an eye-opening experience.  

As family of an addict, there are many people that can relate to what we have been through.  I know there are support groups for families of addicts, but in the past I haven't found them helpful.  

Today, however, being in a room full of addicts, I was able to open my eyes, put aside my resentment, and see, feel and listen to the raw emotions of those who suffer from the disease.  I felt as though, for the first time, I could begin to truly, deeply, understand how hard it is for someone who uses to find the strength to get themselves better. I will never be able to relate, but I can be empathetic.  There was a lot of laughter, compassion, and faith in the room. There was support, strength and a sense of comfort.  With another invite, I would go back in a heartbeat. 

My sister made a comment today that she wishes there was a "Normal People Anonomyous" meeting.  She said that as addicts, they all have a place to discuss common struggles, to work the steps, find their weaknesses and to rise above and become a better version of themselves.  She related that life happens to everyone, and for a person that isn't an addict to work the steps, would do the same thing.  It would give us, normal people, a chance to look into their deepest, darkest places and find happiness within.  She made a point.  If we all realized we were powerless over _____ (whatever the issue may be) and put our faith in a higher power, whatever He may be, wouldn't we all be much happier, successful and accepting?  I don't know.  Like I said, this weekend was one of the best of the year, and I think this meeting really was the topping (or is it icing) on the cake.  

I know I typed a lot of random things from my past week, most of which had nothing to do with me.   I know as a reader of "Amy Has a Headache", you are probably thinking "Great, but what does this have to do with Chiari?"  My answer ... everything.  Everything that has happened in the last four days, never would have been enjoyed or savored in the manner it would have pre-surgery.  This would have been a long, dreaded weekend with lots of headaches, fears of falling (especially in long dresses and heels!), and blurred memories.  I am so grateful for my surgery and for the ability to have been able to enjoy every last minute of this past weekend!  

Even though I have no plans, I feel this birthday is going to be one of the most blessed ones I have had in years.  My family is all together...happily.  I spent a very special night celebrating love with my best friends.  I couldn't ask for anything more. 

Thanks to all my peeps that contributed to such a lively weekend! 

Life is good :)