Bittersweet Answers

I have received so many phone calls, texts, Facebook messages, etc. in the last forty-eight hours expressing concern, fears, support, and my all time favorite, humor.

Over the last three summers I have laughed at the fact that I had been invited to nearly twenty weddings.  I make the joke, "I didn't even know I had that many friends!"  I remember thinking the same back when I had my surgery, and I have thought it about thirty times in the last two days again.  It amazes me the amount of support I receive from not only my family, good friends, fellow zipper-heads, but from the long-lost friends, brand new friends, and friends of friends, that in a nutshell, are strangers.  If nothing else in this whole experience, I have learned the importance of sharing a kind word or gesture no matter how big or small.  I know I sound like a broken record, but everyone has their shit and you honestly never know, flashing that smile, can truly, honestly, completely turn a day around for someone.

Okay, thankful, positive rant over.  Onto these "answers".

Good news: My Chiari has not reformed.  My tonsils are exactly where they should be after they were cauterized during the surgery.  My blood flow is "beautiful" and they see very little turbulence. 

Bad news: The pain is most likely caused by my Chiari. 

Sounds like a riddle huh?

I sat on the phone and literally said, "Okay, soooooooooooo...."

I've read many, many people's blogs and stories of Chiari and how frustrating it can be.  How doctor's aren't understanding of symptoms, are at a total loss, etc.  I honestly don't feel like this is the case with my neurosurgeon.  I love him, remember?  I think he knows he has now done everything he can do to help me at this point with my Chiari.  He has made my brain "look" the way it should.

But I still have to say, OUCH!

Luckily, when I did my extended "soooooooooo...", the physician's assistant said although there is nothing Dr. Vez can do to help my pain surgically (thank goodness, really), there is my neurologist that I originally went to in 2009.  He is there to help support me with pain management and strategies to cope.  She reminded me that he did in fact correctly diagnose my Chiari.  I really felt like she was on my side, trying to calm my nerves that I was stuck with this pain forever.  I got off the phone feeling relieved, anxious, happy, sad, overwhelmed, disappointed, and really optimistically scared.  Oxymorons, I know.

So here I sit, today feeling pretty okay.  I have had twenty-four hours to soak it all in and accept that I need to be proactive if I want to get my new aches and pains under control.  I understand Chiari has no cure, has no forever-fix.  I understand everyone has aches, pains, and hurts.  I understand I do not need to panic.  I understand that Chiari is just going to be a part of who I am, and I will learn to use any resource I can to help feel relief as I need to.

There we go.  I don't know if these are the answers I was looking for, or if they are even answers at all.  But I am very okay with the fact that I do not need to undergo another brain surgery, the fact my doctor isn't concerned that the paralyzing feeling will damage my nerves forever, and the fact that now this is the new bump in the road that I will overcome.

That's just life, right?  Hey, but at least life is good. :)