Living in Organized Chaos

I've been thinking a lot today about this quote:

"Everything is okay in the end.  If it's not okay, it's not the end."

I remember first reading this quote in my cousin Tori's quote book, which she started way before our teenage years, and she still continues to add to it today.  When I read it, I was in young love and remember thinking "Oh my gosh, it's not okay that he didn't call.  We are so in a fight."  That night, he would call, it was all okay, and it was the end of that fight. 

Now, at 25, this quote means so much more.  It is funny how life perspective changes like that. 

I think I may have seen the quote on someone's Facebook status or read it on someone's filtered Instagram photo.  Just typing those social media site's names seems so juvenile, but the past four weeks of constantly checking both, makes me realize they're not juvenile at all.  Before the surgery, those sites allowed friends and family to contact me with support.  Post surgery, it allowed me to share my journey and hear from new friends, and now, today, that post on a social media site is what got me reflecting on so many different things in my life.  So many things in my life, beyond the surgery.

Before this week, I would say my recovery was the only thing on my mind.  I was in a lot of pain.  I didn't feel good.  I couldn't spend much time away from the couch.  I always wanted an ice pack.  When can I take my next dose of medicine?  Should I call the doctor about the tenderness around the incision?  The recovery was my number one priority despite everything else that was "out of the norm" in my and my family's lives.  Yeah, we were moving.  Yeah, my sister is not doing so well in her own recovery in Florida.  Yeah, my brother is still wearing a cast four months after the initial break.  Yeah, my dad's aunt passed.  Yeah, I have six weddings to save up for this summer.  But, before this week, not much of that was phasing me.  This week, different story. 

I am sore.  I still hate showering because I know it means I need to scrub the glue.  I still don't feel comfortable driving, but I did go around the block yesterday.  But, I seem to have put all of that on the back burner. 

I tried to help pack my room, and tried to help pack my sister's room.  I pushed it past my limit and had to lay down the rest of the afternoon.  I am very frustrated by my sister's actions and how she continues to have little to no concern for my parent's feelings or wishes for her.  I feel horrible for my brother who would love to make a career out of golf, and yet hasn't been able to get on the course in over four months due to his fracture.  My dad wasn't able to go to his aunt's funeral in Pittsburgh and see all his cousins because there was too much going on at home this week.  I am not working, but want to make sure I am budgeting my money so I can happily attend all these weddings this summer. 

My point being, and back to my reflection on the quote: my surgery has been one of my biggest fears up to this point in my life.  The surgery went okay, it is over.  Now the recovery.  It isn't necessarily over, but I feel like it is okay, so I know I am nearing the end.  Everything else in my life ... I don't feel like I am quite there. 

Tonight I am feeling anxious.  I am feeling sad.  And, I am feeling overwhelmed.  Anxious about the move.  Anxious about my sister.  Sad about the move.  Sad about my sister.  Overwhelmed about the move.  Overwhelmed about my sister.  Overwhelmed about what the next few months will look like for us all. 

My mom has always told me one of my (few! Just kidding!) flaws is that I overly project what "could" happen.  I posted something awhile ago about changing my "What If" questions pre-surgery to postives. 

Now, I can pretend right now that I am thinking: "What if the move goes great?"  "What if I treat my two weeks down the shore like a vacation?"  "What if I love the new house more than I expect to?"  "What if my sister is making the right choices?"  "What if my sister is safe?"  "What if someday my sister will be my friend again?" 

"What if in the end, everything will be okay?" 

However, tonight ... honestly ... I am not feeling overwhelmed with optimism.  I am having a heck of a time organizing the chaos in my heart and having my brain translate it all to words.  Our house, is a mess.  My sister, is a mess.  My mind, is a mess. 

I feel bad that I am not able to be more of a help to my parents during this move.  I can see them both working endlessly and tirelessly to get the house ready for the movers by Friday.  I feel bad that I am not able to help my sister, but more so feel bad I am not able to better support my parents during her selfish craziness.  They have been here for me relentlessly during my whole brain surgery process, and yet I feel like I am not doing enough for them.  I am the first to admit, I am not the first to jump to help when my mom is folding laundry or dad is emptying the dishwasher, my cousin Allie got those genes.  But, I wish there was something more I could do or say to let them both know how appreciative and supportive I am of what they have and continue to do.  Actually, as I am typing this, I am crying. They are both ready to go out to dinner and waiting for me to pull myself together so we can leave.  Uh oh, does this make me selfish?  Am I, at this moment, contradicting everything I am preaching in this post?  I just wish there was something I could do to make this hectic, stressful and sometimes troubling time of our lives "okay".

Alright, I am all cried out and really starving (see, I really am feeling more like myself!)  The bright side to this post is, I am feeling well enough to not be dwelling on how I feel physically (except for the starving comment)!  Here's to a happier tomorrow.