Family is Everything

It has been four months almost to the day since I have last blogged.  I know I go in spurts and sometimes in lulls, but with the things that have been going on in life lately, it is hard to sit down and organize my thoughts. 

Life has so many obstacles.  I have written many times about the many obstacles I have faced in my life so far, and less selfishly, the obstacles my family has faced in life so far.  

We have dealt with addiction, cancer, deaths, addiction again, Chiari, addiction again, cancer again, addiction again, cancer still.  Seems odd that Chiari is only in their once, however it, like addiction and cancer, has no cure. 

I still have Chiari.  Yes, my sister and brother both deal with addiction.  Yes, my mom still has cancer.  

How do we keep dealing with these incurable diseases in my family?  How come we are the ones that are given these incurable diseases?  I truthfully try not to ask my self these questions, having faith that it is all part of His plan.  

Helplessly, I do sometimes try to answer these questions.  

I believe my family is built on faith, love, and hope.  We have built a foundation of trust, loyalty and strength between the five of us.  We are not afraid to show our true colors, our true emotions, and our fears and desires.  We all continue to pray to God each day, love each other unconditionally, and hope the best for each of us.  Although the trust has been tested many times, we have rebuilt an understanding for each other.  We have stood up for each other knowing we still wanted what was best, that sometimes looked like tough love. We have pushed each other to our limits, on the brink of losing everything, and yet, here we are today, a stronger family than I could have ever imagined. 

That being said, where we are today is bittersweet.  

My sister and brother are doing well.  They are making good choices, they are being responsible and they are both in healthy relationships.  It is the sweetest I remember our lives being in a very long time.  I want to thank them both.  I want to thank them for fighting their diseases, finding their peace with choices they have made, and for finding ways to be present in my, mom's and dad's life again.  Although I know you will both struggle with temptations for years to come, I want you to know how proud I am of you today.  Feeling like the family of five that I grew up with is something I have longed for for a very, very long time.  We are able to be in a good place again, and for that, I love you guys. 

As for Mama...  Many of you know she was diagnosed with Stage IV metastatic breast cancer.  She has a nasty cough and shortness of breath.  For the most part she feels okay, but is undergoing treatment in the form of a non-chemo pill and hormonal shots.  She will live with the cancer and the treatments forever.  

She started a blog to give people updates on her diagnosis, treatments and her journey, with once again, an incurable disease.  She, like me, enjoys the happy things in life.  She likes to smile, laugh, and be in company of positive people.  

Cancer, it changes things.  It makes people sad.  It makes people scared.  It makes people unsure.  It has made mom sad, scared and unsure.  Dad is sad, scared and unsure.  It has made Maggie and Jackson sad, scared and unsure.  And, selfishly, I think it has made me sadder, more scared and more unsure than I ever remember feeling.  

Mama has told me many, many times in my life that "Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you handle it."  When I had my surgery, I was determined to put a positive spin on it.  I was determined to be a success story.  My mom has that same determination.  I got it from her.  So, I know, deep in my heart (human and cow), that she too, despite sadness, fear and the unknown, will have a success story.  Mama, I love you. 

Daddy, you deserve a shout out as well.  How the hell you haven't had a heart attack, anxiety attack, or crawled into par 4 hole and cried is beside me.  You are the definition of strength, hope and love.  I love you for it and hope to some day have a man that is as loving, caring, selfless and giving as you are to our family.  

Now for the boring, less sappy stuff... Chiari... notice it is the last on my list.  It has kind of been on the back burner of obstacles, but honestly, it hurts.  Lately, it hurts a lot. 

Rain.  The monsoon season we had this spring, didn't help.  Despite my normal seasonal depression, any time it rains or storms I have tingly pain in my shoulders, neck and in the bottom right side of my skull.  It makes me want to come home and ice it immediately.  It is very frustrating.   

Windows.  The days that I was able to open windows were the worst.  I was so excited to let the fresh air, I opened the windows confidently.  The lifting of the ones in the kitchen and occasionally the ones in my bedroom, cause a headache.  I know this, and yet it slipped my mind the first few times I did it this spring.  Then, my air conditioner broke, and I had no choice but to open them.  Lifting and heat ... headache.  It is very frustrating.   

Monkey Bars.  Four, five and six year old kids love monkey bars.  I love showing off and thinking I can do them as well.  It is so hard to limit my activity when I want to be able to swing branch to branch, or well, bar to bar with the kids.  Despite my lack of upper body strength and inability to get bar to bar, I hate that I have to stop trying!  It is very frustrating.  

Allergies.  I have them.  This season, worse than most before.  I have a nasty cough (I always wanted to be like my mama) and sneezes.  As they did before my surgery, coughs and sneezes often trigger an instant headache.  It is very frustrating.

Unfortunately, I feel like this one headache has been "lingering" for the last few weeks.  I put lingering in quotes because that varies in meaning day to day.  Sometimes it is a typical headache on the base of my skull, sometimes it hurts over my eyeballs, sometimes my neck is sore, my shoulders hurt, my hands are tingling. Have I mentioned that it is very frustrating?

Anyway, enough complaining.  Lets just say I am very thankful for ice packs, Advil and Advil PM and people that are willing to squeeze my head.  The past few weeks have been a reminder that Chiari is incurable.  I will most likely call my neurologist soon to try to decide what my options are for pain management.  As you can imagine, I am very hesitant seeing my family history with addiction.  However, I don't want to have to start feeling down and not myself because of this dumb "lingering" headache.  

As per usual, this was a rambling blog about my incredible family, stupid diseases, and my want to feel like myself across the board again.  

My mom, dad, sister, brother, and I are lucky to have the support system we do.  We are lucky to have family and friends willing to drop everything to do anything.  When I find myself wondering the answers to those questions of "why us?" I try to remember...we are the lucky ones. 

<3