I KNOW!

I have started this blog about five times in the last two months.  I have tried to organize my thoughts, organize my feelings, and organize my wants.  It has been so difficult to understand all the emotions I have felt over the last two months.  

I have been told a couple times over the past months that I am different than some.  People like to deal with things on their own, they don't need to talk about their feelings, they don't need to have it be heard.  If nothing else in the last few months, I have learned, I need to be heard.  I need to express the way I feel.  I need to be honest.  I don't like constantly questioning how someone is doing, how they are feeling.  I don't want anyone to have to feel the way I feel when I am wondering.  I want you to know where I stand, always. Maybe a flaw...but I am who I am.  

I've blogged about life having a funny way of sneaking up on you, and lately, that is exactly how I feel. 

I am almost 29 years old.  I have had brain surgery. I have had a number of deaths of friends and family.  I have a mom who has now had cancer twice, and spent a good amount of her summer in the hospital.  I have a sister who is an addict and still struggles daily with her recovery and relationships with us. I have a brother who is also an addict and although he struggles with his recovery, he is aware of his disease and he keeps his relationships with us to help with his journey.  I have a best friend who lost a parent this summer in a freak accident and is dealing with a roller coaster of emotions daily.  I have gotten out of a relationship that although I am sure he wasn't the one for me, I was hurt.  I have tried to "put it into the universe" as my therapist says, what I want in a relationship, what I think I deserve, and honestly I feel like I am losing faith in it happening or being out there. 

I didn't write that paragraph for this to turn into a pity blog.  In no way to do I want that. 

This summer I also had a chance to spend a lot of time with my parents as we spent weeks in the hospital with my mom.  I was able to spend some time at the beach.  I saw my college friends a couple of times and even had a day at the zoo. I celebrated my best friends baby's first birthday.  One of my best friends found out she's having a baby.  I was able to spend almost a whole week in North Carolina with my cousin and her new perfect baby boy.  I was able to go to some happy hours with friends.  I was able to binge watch a couple Netflix shows.  I was able to spend time with my best two work friends setting up our classrooms.  I was able to start a great school year, again, with my two of the greatest friends. I was able to go on a couple dates that were really fun. I really had a nice summer, I do not mean to complain. 

Yesterday I was down the shore, and I had the chance to walk down to the Chiari walk that was just down the street.  There were a lot of people there that have Chiari, had the decompression surgery, waiting to have it, or walking for someone who does.  We saw children and adults struggling with the condition daily.  I really do forget sometimes how lucky I am to have such a success story from my surgery.  I have mentioned before that I am glad I get a headache here and there still.  It reminds me the lifestyle I once lived and all the reasons the surgery was the best thing that ever happened to me. I am so lucky that I am sitting here writing a blog that really has nothing to do with my difficulties with Chiari ... sorry to those of you that check in just for those updates!

I know this is life.  I know there are ups and downs.  I know there are days, weeks, months at a time that are exciting and seemingly great.  I know there are days, weeks, months at a time that seem hard, seem impossible to get through.  

I know all that. I know that life is 10% what happens to you, 90% how you react to it. I know that I like to be positive. I know I like to have faith that things will work out the way they are supposed to.  I know I like to have fun, spend time with my family, my friends. I know that God has a plan and He will guide me the way I am supposed to go.  I really do know. 

But it doesn't make some of these days easier.  

Some days I am sad.  I am sad that my mom is sick.  I am sad that my sister isn't talking to any of us right now, which makes us believe she's using again.  I am sad that so many of my friends and cousins are having babies and I am so far from that.   

Some days I am mad. I am mad that God is putting my mom through all of this.  I am mad that my best friend has to deal every day with the loss of her father.  I am mad that addiction can take people from me.  I am mad I am not better at dating. 

Some days I am happy.  I am happy I am close to my parents. I am happy my friends and cousins are having babies and finding happiness in their relationships.  I am happy that I love my job and get to work with some of the greatest people.  I am happy that I still find joy in simple moments of life.  I am happy that I feel good and that I am able to do the things that a normal 28 year old should. 

Some days I am anxious.  I am anxious that my mom is sick.  I am anxious that I will not find someone that will want to deal with all the "shit" that comes with dating me.  I am anxious that my sister isn't doing so hot. I am anxious that I can't make my friend happier.  I am anxious that I have not found someone that enjoys my company, as much as I enjoy my company. ;) (still have my humor)

Again, I swear I am not looking for pity. I really, really do KNOW that it will all happen. That I will find that person.  My person.  I know that one day everything that has lead me to that point will make sense.  But...I am just having trouble believing it today. 

I want you to know, I am sitting on the couch right now, under a blanket, watching the Steelers, having a pumpkin beer and enjoying every second of it.  I am happy.  I still believe Life is Good.  I still believe it is the small moments in life that mean the most.  I still know what I want and what I deserve.  I still will not settle for anything more than that.  I still enjoy the moments I spend with my mom and my dad and treasure them.  I still enjoy spending time with my friends and laughing hysterically, fighting over who is funniest.  I still love to binge watch TV shows, go to the small airports and watch airplanes, eat chips and pickles, and see giraffes.  

Life is good...it is just hard sometimes.