All In...

I have never been one to play poker.  One, I am not competitive, two, I don't know the Texas kind from Full House and three, I am always "All In". 

All In.  Although it may be one of my greatest strengths, it is also my deepest flaw.  Or... whatever that saying is.  

Mama.  I am all in when it comes to my family.  My mom was in the hospital for thirteen days and there wasn't a day I didn't spend time with her.  I couldn't imagine not being by her side as she was going through a lot of unknowns.  Did she need me there?  She will tell you no.  But, for my own sanity, to calm my own anxieties, I needed to be  there. I needed to be all in.  

My siblings.  It has been so hard for me to practice tough love over the years.  I couldn't stand the idea of not being able to do anything for them.  There have been many, many times when I have taken them out to eat, bought them something they needed, offered them money.  Over the years I have learned the difference of enabling and helping in recovery, but it has been very hard.  With the two of them, I find it hard to not be all in or all out.  I am having trouble finding that safe distance where I can love them, support their decisions and still have a positive relationship with them.  So, I do thank them both for being patient with me as I find that happy place. 

Dad. He always gets gipped.  He is the greatest guy in the whole world, who is also ALL IN when it comes to his family...well and his Pittsburgh sports.  He is my biggest supporter, is my maintenance man, my best audience and my favorite sports fan.  I am all in when it comes to thinking he is the greatest man, and all in in believing I will find someone like him someday.   

Chiari. I was talking to my therapist recently about how hard it is for me to commit to plans.  I said it is silly because if someone calls me the night before or morning of, I am almost always up for doing it.  This past weekend my mom and dad wanted me to come to the shore on Friday night.  I said, "maybe".  Packed a bag Friday morning, talked to mom Friday at lunch and still gave her a "I'm not sure."  I did end up going, but why the heck could I not just say yes?  I do the same thing with friends and dates and trips.  It is always things I want to do but I always think, "but how will I feel?"  When I explained this to my therapist, she said, "Do you think this stems back to Chiari?"  Umm.. YES. How have I not thought of this?  There were days, months, really years where I had to cancel plans or I had to leave in the middle of plans due to headaches and other symptoms.  She reminded me that even though I make plans, I don't have to be "all in".  I was reminded that sometimes plans change, sometimes it is okay to be spontaneous.  I was reminded that even "normal" people are hesitant to make plans, that sometimes that is just a personality trait.  I fear that it makes people frustrated that I won't commit to things, but I just can't be "all in" with plans, at least not yet. 

Work. I have said it once, have said it again, and will say it a million more times.  I LOVE my job.  I love going to work every morning.  I get to work with some of my greatest friends, spend time with some of the silliest kids, and work in a town with lots of support.  Just the other day my friend and I were sitting with the kids on the carpet and she whispered to me, "How lucky are we?"  I can't say enough how lucky I am. However, being "all in" when it comes to work can get me emotional, anxious, and in trouble sometimes.  Okay, not real trouble, but it is troubling to have so much passion for what you do, for your students, and not be able to do more for some.  I know there are obstacles: budgets, laws, codes, etc. but as a teacher, finding a happy medium, coming close to that fine line gets to be so difficult.  I have had a great year so far, and really hope I can continue to remember to not be "all in" all the time.  

Friends.  This is one of the hardest things.  Friendships in your twenties is hard. So many of my friends are seriously dating, moving in with their significant others, getting engaged, married, having babies... and I am still Netflix and Chill-ing ... alone.  Don't get me wrong, I have the greatest friends and I know that they are all there for me no matter what.  But, when life gets in the way, it is so hard to be "all in" in friendships.  And, as the pattern shows, I have a hard time not being all in.  I find myself getting upset when my friends are going through these exciting times of their lives and I am not there yet to enjoy similar things myself.  Don't get me wrong, as I always say, I KNOW it will all work out, no pity needed. I also enjoy spending time with my friends, their significant others, seeing new houses, going to weddings and baptisms and birthday parties.  I just wish I could feel "all in".  I am not sure this paragraph is making sense, and I don't want it to seem like a negative.  I think it is just part of life, that friends are "growing up" at different paces and relationships change.  I am lucky to have friends that will understand what I mean and know that I am here for them no matter what. 

Love. ...or whatever we want to call it.  Relationships?  I think lately this is where I have seen the flaw more than the strength, and where I believe some day, when I find the right person, being "all in" will once again be a strength.  I am not the best dater, it has been evident if you have followed my blog.  It is rare I find someone that I connect with and believe it could be more.  When thinking about it, and after discussing it a bit, I think I have realized that maybe that is the problem when I am dating.  I am ready to be all in.  I am ready to be at the next step in my life, and I let it be known...and maybe too soon.  I am a very honest person, again, one of my best traits, but also one of my biggest flaws.  I need to not be all in on day one. I need to "play the game" as they say.  

Man, maybe this is why I don't play poker...too many rules! 

I know this was an odd blog, but "All In" was just an eye opening (ear hearing? heart felt? brain busting?) phrase. 

Beyond all of the above, I am all in in terms of my love of airplanes, giraffes, pickles and chips.  I am all in with my love of sports, specifically Steelers, Penguins and Phillies.  I am all in with my love of life.  

Yes, it is so damn hard, but all in all, it is so damn great.