I have started this blog about five times in the last two months. I have tried to organize my thoughts, organize my feelings, and organize my wants. It has been so difficult to understand all the emotions I have felt over the last two months.
I have been told a couple times over the past months that I am different than some. People like to deal with things on their own, they don't need to talk about their feelings, they don't need to have it be heard. If nothing else in the last few months, I have learned, I need to be heard. I need to express the way I feel. I need to be honest. I don't like constantly questioning how someone is doing, how they are feeling. I don't want anyone to have to feel the way I feel when I am wondering. I want you to know where I stand, always. Maybe a flaw...but I am who I am.
I've blogged about life having a funny way of sneaking up on you, and lately, that is exactly how I feel.
I am almost 29 years old. I have had brain surgery. I have had a number of deaths of friends and family. I have a mom who has now had cancer twice, and spent a good amount of her summer in the hospital. I have a sister who is an addict and still struggles daily with her recovery and relationships with us. I have a brother who is also an addict and although he struggles with his recovery, he is aware of his disease and he keeps his relationships with us to help with his journey. I have a best friend who lost a parent this summer in a freak accident and is dealing with a roller coaster of emotions daily. I have gotten out of a relationship that although I am sure he wasn't the one for me, I was hurt. I have tried to "put it into the universe" as my therapist says, what I want in a relationship, what I think I deserve, and honestly I feel like I am losing faith in it happening or being out there.
I didn't write that paragraph for this to turn into a pity blog. In no way to do I want that.
This summer I also had a chance to spend a lot of time with my parents as we spent weeks in the hospital with my mom. I was able to spend some time at the beach. I saw my college friends a couple of times and even had a day at the zoo. I celebrated my best friends baby's first birthday. One of my best friends found out she's having a baby. I was able to spend almost a whole week in North Carolina with my cousin and her new perfect baby boy. I was able to go to some happy hours with friends. I was able to binge watch a couple Netflix shows. I was able to spend time with my best two work friends setting up our classrooms. I was able to start a great school year, again, with my two of the greatest friends. I was able to go on a couple dates that were really fun. I really had a nice summer, I do not mean to complain.
Yesterday I was down the shore, and I had the chance to walk down to the Chiari walk that was just down the street. There were a lot of people there that have Chiari, had the decompression surgery, waiting to have it, or walking for someone who does. We saw children and adults struggling with the condition daily. I really do forget sometimes how lucky I am to have such a success story from my surgery. I have mentioned before that I am glad I get a headache here and there still. It reminds me the lifestyle I once lived and all the reasons the surgery was the best thing that ever happened to me. I am so lucky that I am sitting here writing a blog that really has nothing to do with my difficulties with Chiari ... sorry to those of you that check in just for those updates!
I know this is life. I know there are ups and downs. I know there are days, weeks, months at a time that are exciting and seemingly great. I know there are days, weeks, months at a time that seem hard, seem impossible to get through.
I know all that. I know that life is 10% what happens to you, 90% how you react to it. I know that I like to be positive. I know I like to have faith that things will work out the way they are supposed to. I know I like to have fun, spend time with my family, my friends. I know that God has a plan and He will guide me the way I am supposed to go. I really do know.
But it doesn't make some of these days easier.
Some days I am sad. I am sad that my mom is sick. I am sad that my sister isn't talking to any of us right now, which makes us believe she's using again. I am sad that so many of my friends and cousins are having babies and I am so far from that.
Some days I am mad. I am mad that God is putting my mom through all of this. I am mad that my best friend has to deal every day with the loss of her father. I am mad that addiction can take people from me. I am mad I am not better at dating.
Some days I am happy. I am happy I am close to my parents. I am happy my friends and cousins are having babies and finding happiness in their relationships. I am happy that I love my job and get to work with some of the greatest people. I am happy that I still find joy in simple moments of life. I am happy that I feel good and that I am able to do the things that a normal 28 year old should.
Some days I am anxious. I am anxious that my mom is sick. I am anxious that I will not find someone that will want to deal with all the "shit" that comes with dating me. I am anxious that my sister isn't doing so hot. I am anxious that I can't make my friend happier. I am anxious that I have not found someone that enjoys my company, as much as I enjoy my company. ;) (still have my humor)
Again, I swear I am not looking for pity. I really, really do KNOW that it will all happen. That I will find that person. My person. I know that one day everything that has lead me to that point will make sense. But...I am just having trouble believing it today.
I want you to know, I am sitting on the couch right now, under a blanket, watching the Steelers, having a pumpkin beer and enjoying every second of it. I am happy. I still believe Life is Good. I still believe it is the small moments in life that mean the most. I still know what I want and what I deserve. I still will not settle for anything more than that. I still enjoy the moments I spend with my mom and my dad and treasure them. I still enjoy spending time with my friends and laughing hysterically, fighting over who is funniest. I still love to binge watch TV shows, go to the small airports and watch airplanes, eat chips and pickles, and see giraffes.
Life is good...it is just hard sometimes.
Sunday, September 18, 2016
Monday, June 13, 2016
Family is Everything
It has been four months almost to the day since I have last blogged. I know I go in spurts and sometimes in lulls, but with the things that have been going on in life lately, it is hard to sit down and organize my thoughts.
Life has so many obstacles. I have written many times about the many obstacles I have faced in my life so far, and less selfishly, the obstacles my family has faced in life so far.
We have dealt with addiction, cancer, deaths, addiction again, Chiari, addiction again, cancer again, addiction again, cancer still. Seems odd that Chiari is only in their once, however it, like addiction and cancer, has no cure.
I still have Chiari. Yes, my sister and brother both deal with addiction. Yes, my mom still has cancer.
How do we keep dealing with these incurable diseases in my family? How come we are the ones that are given these incurable diseases? I truthfully try not to ask my self these questions, having faith that it is all part of His plan.
Helplessly, I do sometimes try to answer these questions.
I believe my family is built on faith, love, and hope. We have built a foundation of trust, loyalty and strength between the five of us. We are not afraid to show our true colors, our true emotions, and our fears and desires. We all continue to pray to God each day, love each other unconditionally, and hope the best for each of us. Although the trust has been tested many times, we have rebuilt an understanding for each other. We have stood up for each other knowing we still wanted what was best, that sometimes looked like tough love. We have pushed each other to our limits, on the brink of losing everything, and yet, here we are today, a stronger family than I could have ever imagined.
That being said, where we are today is bittersweet.
My sister and brother are doing well. They are making good choices, they are being responsible and they are both in healthy relationships. It is the sweetest I remember our lives being in a very long time. I want to thank them both. I want to thank them for fighting their diseases, finding their peace with choices they have made, and for finding ways to be present in my, mom's and dad's life again. Although I know you will both struggle with temptations for years to come, I want you to know how proud I am of you today. Feeling like the family of five that I grew up with is something I have longed for for a very, very long time. We are able to be in a good place again, and for that, I love you guys.
As for Mama... Many of you know she was diagnosed with Stage IV metastatic breast cancer. She has a nasty cough and shortness of breath. For the most part she feels okay, but is undergoing treatment in the form of a non-chemo pill and hormonal shots. She will live with the cancer and the treatments forever.
She started a blog to give people updates on her diagnosis, treatments and her journey, with once again, an incurable disease. She, like me, enjoys the happy things in life. She likes to smile, laugh, and be in company of positive people.
Cancer, it changes things. It makes people sad. It makes people scared. It makes people unsure. It has made mom sad, scared and unsure. Dad is sad, scared and unsure. It has made Maggie and Jackson sad, scared and unsure. And, selfishly, I think it has made me sadder, more scared and more unsure than I ever remember feeling.
Mama has told me many, many times in my life that "Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you handle it." When I had my surgery, I was determined to put a positive spin on it. I was determined to be a success story. My mom has that same determination. I got it from her. So, I know, deep in my heart (human and cow), that she too, despite sadness, fear and the unknown, will have a success story. Mama, I love you.
Daddy, you deserve a shout out as well. How the hell you haven't had a heart attack, anxiety attack, or crawled into par 4 hole and cried is beside me. You are the definition of strength, hope and love. I love you for it and hope to some day have a man that is as loving, caring, selfless and giving as you are to our family.
Now for the boring, less sappy stuff... Chiari... notice it is the last on my list. It has kind of been on the back burner of obstacles, but honestly, it hurts. Lately, it hurts a lot.
Rain. The monsoon season we had this spring, didn't help. Despite my normal seasonal depression, any time it rains or storms I have tingly pain in my shoulders, neck and in the bottom right side of my skull. It makes me want to come home and ice it immediately. It is very frustrating.
Windows. The days that I was able to open windows were the worst. I was so excited to let the fresh air, I opened the windows confidently. The lifting of the ones in the kitchen and occasionally the ones in my bedroom, cause a headache. I know this, and yet it slipped my mind the first few times I did it this spring. Then, my air conditioner broke, and I had no choice but to open them. Lifting and heat ... headache. It is very frustrating.
Monkey Bars. Four, five and six year old kids love monkey bars. I love showing off and thinking I can do them as well. It is so hard to limit my activity when I want to be able to swing branch to branch, or well, bar to bar with the kids. Despite my lack of upper body strength and inability to get bar to bar, I hate that I have to stop trying! It is very frustrating.
Allergies. I have them. This season, worse than most before. I have a nasty cough (I always wanted to be like my mama) and sneezes. As they did before my surgery, coughs and sneezes often trigger an instant headache. It is very frustrating.
Unfortunately, I feel like this one headache has been "lingering" for the last few weeks. I put lingering in quotes because that varies in meaning day to day. Sometimes it is a typical headache on the base of my skull, sometimes it hurts over my eyeballs, sometimes my neck is sore, my shoulders hurt, my hands are tingling. Have I mentioned that it is very frustrating?
Anyway, enough complaining. Lets just say I am very thankful for ice packs, Advil and Advil PM and people that are willing to squeeze my head. The past few weeks have been a reminder that Chiari is incurable. I will most likely call my neurologist soon to try to decide what my options are for pain management. As you can imagine, I am very hesitant seeing my family history with addiction. However, I don't want to have to start feeling down and not myself because of this dumb "lingering" headache.
As per usual, this was a rambling blog about my incredible family, stupid diseases, and my want to feel like myself across the board again.
My mom, dad, sister, brother, and I are lucky to have the support system we do. We are lucky to have family and friends willing to drop everything to do anything. When I find myself wondering the answers to those questions of "why us?" I try to remember...we are the lucky ones.
<3
Life has so many obstacles. I have written many times about the many obstacles I have faced in my life so far, and less selfishly, the obstacles my family has faced in life so far.
We have dealt with addiction, cancer, deaths, addiction again, Chiari, addiction again, cancer again, addiction again, cancer still. Seems odd that Chiari is only in their once, however it, like addiction and cancer, has no cure.
I still have Chiari. Yes, my sister and brother both deal with addiction. Yes, my mom still has cancer.
How do we keep dealing with these incurable diseases in my family? How come we are the ones that are given these incurable diseases? I truthfully try not to ask my self these questions, having faith that it is all part of His plan.
Helplessly, I do sometimes try to answer these questions.
I believe my family is built on faith, love, and hope. We have built a foundation of trust, loyalty and strength between the five of us. We are not afraid to show our true colors, our true emotions, and our fears and desires. We all continue to pray to God each day, love each other unconditionally, and hope the best for each of us. Although the trust has been tested many times, we have rebuilt an understanding for each other. We have stood up for each other knowing we still wanted what was best, that sometimes looked like tough love. We have pushed each other to our limits, on the brink of losing everything, and yet, here we are today, a stronger family than I could have ever imagined.
That being said, where we are today is bittersweet.
My sister and brother are doing well. They are making good choices, they are being responsible and they are both in healthy relationships. It is the sweetest I remember our lives being in a very long time. I want to thank them both. I want to thank them for fighting their diseases, finding their peace with choices they have made, and for finding ways to be present in my, mom's and dad's life again. Although I know you will both struggle with temptations for years to come, I want you to know how proud I am of you today. Feeling like the family of five that I grew up with is something I have longed for for a very, very long time. We are able to be in a good place again, and for that, I love you guys.
As for Mama... Many of you know she was diagnosed with Stage IV metastatic breast cancer. She has a nasty cough and shortness of breath. For the most part she feels okay, but is undergoing treatment in the form of a non-chemo pill and hormonal shots. She will live with the cancer and the treatments forever.
She started a blog to give people updates on her diagnosis, treatments and her journey, with once again, an incurable disease. She, like me, enjoys the happy things in life. She likes to smile, laugh, and be in company of positive people.
Cancer, it changes things. It makes people sad. It makes people scared. It makes people unsure. It has made mom sad, scared and unsure. Dad is sad, scared and unsure. It has made Maggie and Jackson sad, scared and unsure. And, selfishly, I think it has made me sadder, more scared and more unsure than I ever remember feeling.
Mama has told me many, many times in my life that "Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you handle it." When I had my surgery, I was determined to put a positive spin on it. I was determined to be a success story. My mom has that same determination. I got it from her. So, I know, deep in my heart (human and cow), that she too, despite sadness, fear and the unknown, will have a success story. Mama, I love you.
Daddy, you deserve a shout out as well. How the hell you haven't had a heart attack, anxiety attack, or crawled into par 4 hole and cried is beside me. You are the definition of strength, hope and love. I love you for it and hope to some day have a man that is as loving, caring, selfless and giving as you are to our family.
Now for the boring, less sappy stuff... Chiari... notice it is the last on my list. It has kind of been on the back burner of obstacles, but honestly, it hurts. Lately, it hurts a lot.
Rain. The monsoon season we had this spring, didn't help. Despite my normal seasonal depression, any time it rains or storms I have tingly pain in my shoulders, neck and in the bottom right side of my skull. It makes me want to come home and ice it immediately. It is very frustrating.
Windows. The days that I was able to open windows were the worst. I was so excited to let the fresh air, I opened the windows confidently. The lifting of the ones in the kitchen and occasionally the ones in my bedroom, cause a headache. I know this, and yet it slipped my mind the first few times I did it this spring. Then, my air conditioner broke, and I had no choice but to open them. Lifting and heat ... headache. It is very frustrating.
Monkey Bars. Four, five and six year old kids love monkey bars. I love showing off and thinking I can do them as well. It is so hard to limit my activity when I want to be able to swing branch to branch, or well, bar to bar with the kids. Despite my lack of upper body strength and inability to get bar to bar, I hate that I have to stop trying! It is very frustrating.
Allergies. I have them. This season, worse than most before. I have a nasty cough (I always wanted to be like my mama) and sneezes. As they did before my surgery, coughs and sneezes often trigger an instant headache. It is very frustrating.
Unfortunately, I feel like this one headache has been "lingering" for the last few weeks. I put lingering in quotes because that varies in meaning day to day. Sometimes it is a typical headache on the base of my skull, sometimes it hurts over my eyeballs, sometimes my neck is sore, my shoulders hurt, my hands are tingling. Have I mentioned that it is very frustrating?
Anyway, enough complaining. Lets just say I am very thankful for ice packs, Advil and Advil PM and people that are willing to squeeze my head. The past few weeks have been a reminder that Chiari is incurable. I will most likely call my neurologist soon to try to decide what my options are for pain management. As you can imagine, I am very hesitant seeing my family history with addiction. However, I don't want to have to start feeling down and not myself because of this dumb "lingering" headache.
As per usual, this was a rambling blog about my incredible family, stupid diseases, and my want to feel like myself across the board again.
My mom, dad, sister, brother, and I are lucky to have the support system we do. We are lucky to have family and friends willing to drop everything to do anything. When I find myself wondering the answers to those questions of "why us?" I try to remember...we are the lucky ones.
<3
Monday, February 15, 2016
Honesty ... or Something Like It
*Started this two weeks ago, but finally feeling inspired to finish it!
As I sit here, six o'clock on a Tuesday night, showered, debating dinner choices, and catching up on some of my favorite cop shows, I am also fighting a "slight headache", as I like to call them. It is basically the in between period where I am unsure what kind of pain I am feeling. Is this headache over my eyes? Is this headache sinus-y? Is this headache due to the rain that is coming tomorrow? Is this headache Chiari related?
Truth is, I probably won't know until middle of the night, when either a full force Chiari headache shows up. Or, I will get up to go to the bathroom and like my magic medicine (Advil) will have worked. I am hoping for the latter, ladder? You know, the second option.
I have been having a great month, almost two without a full-on, debilitating, stay inside, cancel plans headache. So, I really can not complain.
But, I am going to for a second. Mid-week last week (separate than the slight headache mentioned above) I woke up with one of the worst Chiari headaches I had in awhile. I was tingly, numb and uncomfortable. I debated leaving work and I haven't done that in over a year. I brought an ice pack to school, swapped from hot to cold compresses and tried to relax and keep my mind off of the pain. My eyes hurt, my shoulders hurt and I couldn't do anything but lay down. I got home from work at 3:45, fell asleep instantly, slept until 7:30. I woke up to watch Bachelor (priorities were still in check) but sat with an ice pack and head down for majority of it. I slept well that night with the aid of my drug of choice, Advil PM. I like the hard stuff, clearly. I did wake up the next day with a minimal headache but lots of tingles and pain in my neck and shoulders. All of this, very normal for Chiari. All symptoms from my past.
I've said it before, and I will say it every time one of these true Chiari headaches come on, I am thankful I do still get a little bit of the pain. It is a reminder that I was living with these symptoms, that pain, daily. That, now, only once every few months do I get a debilitating headache. How can I continue to complain? I will stop.
I went with the honesty title. I have mentioned before, my favorite quote, "Be Silly. Be Honest. Be Kind." I am always silly. I am my own best audience and I find that being silly not only makes me happy but it makes my friends laugh, my family smile, and my students give me extra hugs. Being kind is natural for me. I have come from an accepting, friendly and nice family. I grew up going to church, understanding the benefits of helping those in need, and the importance of spreading happiness and kindness. Although I am guilty of saying things out of frustration, quick judgement, or momentary lack of emotion, I do believe I am a kind person with a good heart.
Be honest. With who? When? How? Why? There are always so many questions to be asked when we say honesty is always the best policy. I do, however, feel that honest is the best policy.
Be honest with yourself. Most important. In the last few weeks I have seen my brother, my friend, my sister, and even myself go through the process of trying to be honest with ourselves, trying to find what it is we are looking for. Although we are all searching in different places, we are all looking for peace and happiness in this crazy, beautiful life.
My brother has been searching for his own inner honesty. Like many of us, he has spent years ignoring those negative aspects of his life, thinking they would sort themselves out, afraid to face the truths. But once he looked for and found the support he needed, he was able to get help to bring himself closer to the happiness, the peace that he needs and deserves.
My friend has been questioning decisions in her job, searching for the confidence to support the work she has done and continues to do. She, too, has looked for support from her co-workers, her peers, and those she trusts most. She is looking for the peace and happiness at her job.
My sister is and always has been struggling with honesty. Now, under much better circumstances than before. She is in the middle of a job search and needed advice on how much of her background to be honest with. Her honesty with herself, is now allowing her to further her honesty with others. All of this honesty, leading her to peace and happiness.
And then me. I take pride in always being honest.
But am I? I am THE least confrontational person I know. I am a pushover in the fact that "I don't care" is a normal sentence of mine and I truthfully mean it. I don't always just say, "nope, not feeling it" when I don't want to follow through with plans that have been made. I don't always say, "Hey listen, you are a nice person, but I am just not that into you."
That being said, I am always honest with myself. I have made it be known over and over again that being honest is so important to me, in work, in friendships and in relationships.
At work, I like knowing when I am doing a good job or knowing when I should have done something different. I also like being honest with myself in the way of reflecting on my work and answering the same questions. I like being honest with parents, with my coworkers, with my administrators. I hope that parents, my coworkers, and my administrators will forever be honest with me.
In friendships, at twenty-eight, it is hard to be honest all the time. Am I still as close with my friends that I thought I was? The answer is, of course. I am now in a mature friendship with my friends. I do not need to talk to them, see them everyday. I need to know they've got my back, they are there for me, they will be honest with me when I need them to be. And, even though I am not always a hundred percent honest as to why I don't want to go out on Friday night, I am thankful for those honest friends I have.
In relationships, honesty is so much more than staying loyal. I can't believe I am pretending to be able to talk about relationships considering I've literally never been in a "real" one. But, that being said, maybe this is why. I NEED communication. I NEED honesty. I NEED clear expectations. I know what I like, I know what I want and I know I deserve it. Therefore, the honesty is imperative.
HAHA! As I am sitting here typing this, a (married with kids) cable guy is fixing my TV. If you know me at all, the four days with no cable has been a nightmare. However, as he is sitting here fixing the wires he says to me, "Can I ask you something? I am sitting in your house, that you bought, right? You are 28 years old, a teacher, and seemingly a nice person with a great smile. You have more together than most 28 year old women. Why the hell are you not married?"
So many funny things about this. One, I apparently talk to much to strangers since he knows all of those things from the twenty minutes he has been here. Two, great question stranger. As I stared at him, laughing hysterically, I couldn't even come up with an honest answer. I am picky? No one is as cool as my dad? I am content in my life and don't need anyone? I know what I want and haven't found it? I went with, "Good question." I am still cracking up.
Then, I went to the dermatologist this afternoon. I waited for an hour until he came in, but was smiley and giggly when he did. He said, "Oh my goodness are you really always this happy and positive?" I smiled, said, "Of course!" He looked at my mom for reassurance, and she said, "Yes, she really is." He turned to me and said, "Will you marry me?" I laughed and he said, "But really, you aren't married? How!?"
Thats how it happens, isn't it? Everyone gangs up on you at once? Just kidding, I feel so lucky that people get that impression from the first time meeting me or from the quick visits once a year. As I type that, I am wondering if that it is after the second meeting, after the second date that I become "too much". Just teasing, again. Life is great.
The best part of this doctor visit was when he asked about my Chiari, asked how I was feeling. I told him I have been great and am so thankful for my surgery, can't believe it has been three years, blah blah blah. He then said to me, "I truly think Amy, that your positivity, your great outlook on life is the reason you have had such a wonderful recovery. Not everyone has the same mentality and can live through something so serious, painful and scary." How many times have I mentioned that THAT is the purpose of this blog. I want to show that with some positive spins and happy thoughts, going through a crazy obstacle in life can actually lead to one of the greatest periods of time.
I know this blog was a whole lot of...well nothing Chiari related. But sometimes when my mind in going crazy, in a thousand directions, a quick vent, or three week vent, is all I need to prevent a headache from occurring. I hope those of you that know me, know that I had a smile on my face while I wrote this whole thing. I am not taking life too seriously, that I am just organizing thoughts in my brain. For those of you that don't know me, just know that we all are a little crazy and we all have our shit.
Most of all, I hope you all agree, that in all honesty, life is good.
As I sit here, six o'clock on a Tuesday night, showered, debating dinner choices, and catching up on some of my favorite cop shows, I am also fighting a "slight headache", as I like to call them. It is basically the in between period where I am unsure what kind of pain I am feeling. Is this headache over my eyes? Is this headache sinus-y? Is this headache due to the rain that is coming tomorrow? Is this headache Chiari related?
Truth is, I probably won't know until middle of the night, when either a full force Chiari headache shows up. Or, I will get up to go to the bathroom and like my magic medicine (Advil) will have worked. I am hoping for the latter, ladder? You know, the second option.
I have been having a great month, almost two without a full-on, debilitating, stay inside, cancel plans headache. So, I really can not complain.
But, I am going to for a second. Mid-week last week (separate than the slight headache mentioned above) I woke up with one of the worst Chiari headaches I had in awhile. I was tingly, numb and uncomfortable. I debated leaving work and I haven't done that in over a year. I brought an ice pack to school, swapped from hot to cold compresses and tried to relax and keep my mind off of the pain. My eyes hurt, my shoulders hurt and I couldn't do anything but lay down. I got home from work at 3:45, fell asleep instantly, slept until 7:30. I woke up to watch Bachelor (priorities were still in check) but sat with an ice pack and head down for majority of it. I slept well that night with the aid of my drug of choice, Advil PM. I like the hard stuff, clearly. I did wake up the next day with a minimal headache but lots of tingles and pain in my neck and shoulders. All of this, very normal for Chiari. All symptoms from my past.
I've said it before, and I will say it every time one of these true Chiari headaches come on, I am thankful I do still get a little bit of the pain. It is a reminder that I was living with these symptoms, that pain, daily. That, now, only once every few months do I get a debilitating headache. How can I continue to complain? I will stop.
I went with the honesty title. I have mentioned before, my favorite quote, "Be Silly. Be Honest. Be Kind." I am always silly. I am my own best audience and I find that being silly not only makes me happy but it makes my friends laugh, my family smile, and my students give me extra hugs. Being kind is natural for me. I have come from an accepting, friendly and nice family. I grew up going to church, understanding the benefits of helping those in need, and the importance of spreading happiness and kindness. Although I am guilty of saying things out of frustration, quick judgement, or momentary lack of emotion, I do believe I am a kind person with a good heart.
Be honest. With who? When? How? Why? There are always so many questions to be asked when we say honesty is always the best policy. I do, however, feel that honest is the best policy.
Be honest with yourself. Most important. In the last few weeks I have seen my brother, my friend, my sister, and even myself go through the process of trying to be honest with ourselves, trying to find what it is we are looking for. Although we are all searching in different places, we are all looking for peace and happiness in this crazy, beautiful life.
My brother has been searching for his own inner honesty. Like many of us, he has spent years ignoring those negative aspects of his life, thinking they would sort themselves out, afraid to face the truths. But once he looked for and found the support he needed, he was able to get help to bring himself closer to the happiness, the peace that he needs and deserves.
My friend has been questioning decisions in her job, searching for the confidence to support the work she has done and continues to do. She, too, has looked for support from her co-workers, her peers, and those she trusts most. She is looking for the peace and happiness at her job.
My sister is and always has been struggling with honesty. Now, under much better circumstances than before. She is in the middle of a job search and needed advice on how much of her background to be honest with. Her honesty with herself, is now allowing her to further her honesty with others. All of this honesty, leading her to peace and happiness.
And then me. I take pride in always being honest.
But am I? I am THE least confrontational person I know. I am a pushover in the fact that "I don't care" is a normal sentence of mine and I truthfully mean it. I don't always just say, "nope, not feeling it" when I don't want to follow through with plans that have been made. I don't always say, "Hey listen, you are a nice person, but I am just not that into you."
That being said, I am always honest with myself. I have made it be known over and over again that being honest is so important to me, in work, in friendships and in relationships.
At work, I like knowing when I am doing a good job or knowing when I should have done something different. I also like being honest with myself in the way of reflecting on my work and answering the same questions. I like being honest with parents, with my coworkers, with my administrators. I hope that parents, my coworkers, and my administrators will forever be honest with me.
In friendships, at twenty-eight, it is hard to be honest all the time. Am I still as close with my friends that I thought I was? The answer is, of course. I am now in a mature friendship with my friends. I do not need to talk to them, see them everyday. I need to know they've got my back, they are there for me, they will be honest with me when I need them to be. And, even though I am not always a hundred percent honest as to why I don't want to go out on Friday night, I am thankful for those honest friends I have.
In relationships, honesty is so much more than staying loyal. I can't believe I am pretending to be able to talk about relationships considering I've literally never been in a "real" one. But, that being said, maybe this is why. I NEED communication. I NEED honesty. I NEED clear expectations. I know what I like, I know what I want and I know I deserve it. Therefore, the honesty is imperative.
HAHA! As I am sitting here typing this, a (married with kids) cable guy is fixing my TV. If you know me at all, the four days with no cable has been a nightmare. However, as he is sitting here fixing the wires he says to me, "Can I ask you something? I am sitting in your house, that you bought, right? You are 28 years old, a teacher, and seemingly a nice person with a great smile. You have more together than most 28 year old women. Why the hell are you not married?"
So many funny things about this. One, I apparently talk to much to strangers since he knows all of those things from the twenty minutes he has been here. Two, great question stranger. As I stared at him, laughing hysterically, I couldn't even come up with an honest answer. I am picky? No one is as cool as my dad? I am content in my life and don't need anyone? I know what I want and haven't found it? I went with, "Good question." I am still cracking up.
Then, I went to the dermatologist this afternoon. I waited for an hour until he came in, but was smiley and giggly when he did. He said, "Oh my goodness are you really always this happy and positive?" I smiled, said, "Of course!" He looked at my mom for reassurance, and she said, "Yes, she really is." He turned to me and said, "Will you marry me?" I laughed and he said, "But really, you aren't married? How!?"
Thats how it happens, isn't it? Everyone gangs up on you at once? Just kidding, I feel so lucky that people get that impression from the first time meeting me or from the quick visits once a year. As I type that, I am wondering if that it is after the second meeting, after the second date that I become "too much". Just teasing, again. Life is great.
I know this blog was a whole lot of...well nothing Chiari related. But sometimes when my mind in going crazy, in a thousand directions, a quick vent, or three week vent, is all I need to prevent a headache from occurring. I hope those of you that know me, know that I had a smile on my face while I wrote this whole thing. I am not taking life too seriously, that I am just organizing thoughts in my brain. For those of you that don't know me, just know that we all are a little crazy and we all have our shit.
Most of all, I hope you all agree, that in all honesty, life is good.
Monday, December 7, 2015
Blah, Blah, Blah
I have been talking about blogging for the past month, but could not come up with a direction I wanted to go. After just reading my last post, I am more hesitant than ever to write now. It has been six months since I wrote last, and although so much time has passed, I feel like not much has changed. Which, I guess, is a good thing, right?
I traveled to Florida twice in August (like a crazy person). Summer ended. School started. Mommom got better. I turned 28. I participated in a walk for Autism Awareness. I traveled to Florida again to watch my very best friend get married. I ran another 5k. We ate some turkey. Hunter Pence got engaged.
I saw a quote a few weeks back (I know I do this all the time) and it said "Imagine your life was exactly the same in one year. Would you be happy about that? If not, what are you afraid to change?"
I am happy where I am today. I love my relationships with my family. I love my friends. I love house. I love my job. I love that I am not a Philadelphia sports fan.
But, in one year...would I want to be exactly where I am right now? Honestly, no. Then I stop and ask myself, what am I afraid to change? Am I afraid, or am I unsure of how to change, what to change? Loaded questions.
I am sitting here, full of raw emotion. For the last five years the holidays have been masked with many distractions, Mom's breast cancer, my pain, my sister's rehab stays, my surgery, my sister's addiction, again...or still. This year, for the first year in about five, there is no mask.
This is going to sound...I don't know, bad? But, I am afraid.
I am afraid of spending a couple days with my sister. It has been a long time since she has been around and even longer since she has been around in a positive light. I am afraid of the emotions I will feel, of the conversations we will have. It is hard not waiting for the other shoe to drop. (That is the right saying, I think?)
This sounds so cliche, and I can't believe I am typing it, but I am afraid of being alone. People always have said that around the holidays is the time that many people feel that way, but I never really had. Although I have been "alone" for many years, I have always had an "excuse". For the first year, maybe ever, I feel like I wish I had someone to share the holiday excitement with. I joke all the time about being alone forever, being too picky and never finding "the one". But, I also am confident in the fact that I know what I am looking for and I will not settle. Until then, I will spend my Christmas season living vicariously through Hallmark movies and wait for the day my prince charming shows up on Christmas Eve and takes me ice skating and bakes cookies with me (or for me, let's be real), while his dad (Santa) prepares for his long night ahead!
I am afraid of the way I have been feeling, the emotions I have had the past week. Sad? Anxious? Crazy? I just can't seem to pinpoint the feeling, but even worse, the reason. For those of you that know me, my whole purpose of life is finding happiness. I am happy. Very. As I said above, I am in a great place in my life. But, I feel like I want a change.
A quick side note: it is such an awesome thing, that for the first time in years I am able to sit here and reflect on myself, but it is also the scariest feeling.
I feel good. I get headaches, and with all the sneezes and coughs during allergy season, many are triggered. I have some kids in my classes this year that love to give a big, unexpected, but always welcomed hug, or a kids who needs a quick catch on the monkey bars, both of which can result in headaches. But, I can walk without tripping (usually), I can hold my beer in my right hand, water isn't spilling out of my mouth, and the tingles are infrequent. When a Chiari headache hits, I am down for about a 12-hour period, but have yet to have had to miss a day of work or miss out on a preferred activity since September. This goes in the win column.
As I am rereading this, I am thinking of the people in the world that have things to complain about. Those that are suffering from hunger, the cold, loss.
I am not complaining. I promise. I am thankful for my life, my family, my friends, Chinese food. I am blessed beyond belief that I own my own home, love going to work every day, have a DVR.
This is a self-reflection, one I probably don't need to share with the world, but I swear it is like therapy for me. So, for all of you that read this looking for my humor and strong-wit, please settle for my honesty in this post.
I think I have blogged about the quote "Be silly. Be Honest. Be kind." once before, but I saw it again yesterday and I was reminded how much it affects me.
I am, if I may, one of the silliest people I know. I make myself laugh, make my friends laugh, and laugh at others humor easily. I truly believe laughter is the best medicine, and silliness is one of my greatest traits.
I am, also, one of the most honest people I know. Sometimes, to a fault. I am not confrontational, and will not vocalize my opinion on everything, but I will always tell the truth. If I am feeling something, you will know it. I feel communication goes hand in hand with this trait. Communicating, explaining my actions, thoughts, and feelings, prevents me from ever appearing cowardly. I will, forever, be honest with my feelings.
Finally, be kind. I am silly and honest, but above all I am kind. Not only in the spirit of the holiday but every day, I truly believe a smile can go a long way. You never know what someone is going through. A kind word, a quick positive glance can change an entire day. More than anything, during my recovery, I believe the kind words and gestures meant more than I could ever put into words.
Again, I apologize for this rant of blah, blah feelings. I feel that I needed an outlet to release the "crazy" I was feeling. Although this is not my best written blog post, or my most Chiari-based, I do feel that it helped me breath a little easier tonight, putting my feelings into words.
Life is good. It is crazy. It is scary. It is eventful. It has some lulls. It is frustrating. It is spontaneous. It is beautiful. It is mine.
I get to choose how to live it. Same as I chose to keep a optimistic attitude during my brain surgery, same as I chose to understand I had no control over my sisters addiction, I will choose to determine what changes I want to see in myself, and I will do what I can to make the change.
As I have stated many, many times over the last few years, nothing changes if nothing changes.
I traveled to Florida twice in August (like a crazy person). Summer ended. School started. Mommom got better. I turned 28. I participated in a walk for Autism Awareness. I traveled to Florida again to watch my very best friend get married. I ran another 5k. We ate some turkey. Hunter Pence got engaged.
I saw a quote a few weeks back (I know I do this all the time) and it said "Imagine your life was exactly the same in one year. Would you be happy about that? If not, what are you afraid to change?"
I am happy where I am today. I love my relationships with my family. I love my friends. I love house. I love my job. I love that I am not a Philadelphia sports fan.
But, in one year...would I want to be exactly where I am right now? Honestly, no. Then I stop and ask myself, what am I afraid to change? Am I afraid, or am I unsure of how to change, what to change? Loaded questions.
I am sitting here, full of raw emotion. For the last five years the holidays have been masked with many distractions, Mom's breast cancer, my pain, my sister's rehab stays, my surgery, my sister's addiction, again...or still. This year, for the first year in about five, there is no mask.
This is going to sound...I don't know, bad? But, I am afraid.
I am afraid of spending a couple days with my sister. It has been a long time since she has been around and even longer since she has been around in a positive light. I am afraid of the emotions I will feel, of the conversations we will have. It is hard not waiting for the other shoe to drop. (That is the right saying, I think?)
This sounds so cliche, and I can't believe I am typing it, but I am afraid of being alone. People always have said that around the holidays is the time that many people feel that way, but I never really had. Although I have been "alone" for many years, I have always had an "excuse". For the first year, maybe ever, I feel like I wish I had someone to share the holiday excitement with. I joke all the time about being alone forever, being too picky and never finding "the one". But, I also am confident in the fact that I know what I am looking for and I will not settle. Until then, I will spend my Christmas season living vicariously through Hallmark movies and wait for the day my prince charming shows up on Christmas Eve and takes me ice skating and bakes cookies with me (or for me, let's be real), while his dad (Santa) prepares for his long night ahead!
A quick side note: it is such an awesome thing, that for the first time in years I am able to sit here and reflect on myself, but it is also the scariest feeling.
I feel good. I get headaches, and with all the sneezes and coughs during allergy season, many are triggered. I have some kids in my classes this year that love to give a big, unexpected, but always welcomed hug, or a kids who needs a quick catch on the monkey bars, both of which can result in headaches. But, I can walk without tripping (usually), I can hold my beer in my right hand, water isn't spilling out of my mouth, and the tingles are infrequent. When a Chiari headache hits, I am down for about a 12-hour period, but have yet to have had to miss a day of work or miss out on a preferred activity since September. This goes in the win column.
As I am rereading this, I am thinking of the people in the world that have things to complain about. Those that are suffering from hunger, the cold, loss.
I am not complaining. I promise. I am thankful for my life, my family, my friends, Chinese food. I am blessed beyond belief that I own my own home, love going to work every day, have a DVR.
This is a self-reflection, one I probably don't need to share with the world, but I swear it is like therapy for me. So, for all of you that read this looking for my humor and strong-wit, please settle for my honesty in this post.
I think I have blogged about the quote "Be silly. Be Honest. Be kind." once before, but I saw it again yesterday and I was reminded how much it affects me.
I am, if I may, one of the silliest people I know. I make myself laugh, make my friends laugh, and laugh at others humor easily. I truly believe laughter is the best medicine, and silliness is one of my greatest traits.
I am, also, one of the most honest people I know. Sometimes, to a fault. I am not confrontational, and will not vocalize my opinion on everything, but I will always tell the truth. If I am feeling something, you will know it. I feel communication goes hand in hand with this trait. Communicating, explaining my actions, thoughts, and feelings, prevents me from ever appearing cowardly. I will, forever, be honest with my feelings.
Finally, be kind. I am silly and honest, but above all I am kind. Not only in the spirit of the holiday but every day, I truly believe a smile can go a long way. You never know what someone is going through. A kind word, a quick positive glance can change an entire day. More than anything, during my recovery, I believe the kind words and gestures meant more than I could ever put into words.
Again, I apologize for this rant of blah, blah feelings. I feel that I needed an outlet to release the "crazy" I was feeling. Although this is not my best written blog post, or my most Chiari-based, I do feel that it helped me breath a little easier tonight, putting my feelings into words.
Life is good. It is crazy. It is scary. It is eventful. It has some lulls. It is frustrating. It is spontaneous. It is beautiful. It is mine.
I get to choose how to live it. Same as I chose to keep a optimistic attitude during my brain surgery, same as I chose to understand I had no control over my sisters addiction, I will choose to determine what changes I want to see in myself, and I will do what I can to make the change.
As I have stated many, many times over the last few years, nothing changes if nothing changes.
Thursday, July 2, 2015
It's the Circle of Life.
Happy almost 4th of July! I know I often start my posts claiming I can not believe how fast time goes. But seriously, July? How?
On this Independence Day Weekend, I found myself thinking about independence in general. Not in the way I am probably supposed to be thinking about it, like "thank you America for my freedom". But more so, "Thank you Mom and Dad for all the opportunities and support you have given me to have the skills to be independent." And honestly, this morning, I wasn't even thinking it in relation to myself, believe it or not, I was thinking it in terms of my sister. But, I will get back to that in a minute.
I want to toot my own horn and really my cousin Allie's horn for, once again, getting me to do something outside of my Chiari comfort zone. Back in February, Allie talked me into going to Vermont to go snowboarding. I was extremely fearful, if you remember reading that post, as those dang ski lifts are what I blame for the start of my Chairi journey. Last weekend, Allie (and my Aunt Kara - she deserves some credit too) asked me to go to Hershey Park for the weekend. We would do the park all day Friday, do Chocolate World, the pool and babysit the four kids while Ka, G, and another couple went to a concert on Saturday, and leave when we wanted to on Sunday. Kara actually asked me back in the beginning of May if I would be interested in the trip and I fed her a real excuse, "It will be the end of June, I will be on the beach, sorry!" But, when she frantically asked Allie the day before the trip, and we noticed the crappy weather heading our way, we both agreed it would be something fun to do for the weekend.
I say Al got me out of my comfort zone because a rule I made after getting the surgery, is that I would stay away from roller coasters. Don't get me wrong, I am not "Miss Thrill Seeker". I walked in the park and "noped" two of the new roller coasters. However, I do love a good roller coaster.
Growing up, the Great Bear was one of my favorites. The minute I saw it, I knew, there was no way I was going to comfortably ride it without triggering a "stupid headache" (as I referred to it much of the trip). Anything with a harness over your head, quickly became "noped". I was talked into Trailblazer and Super Dooper Looper. Although I have to admit, once was enough for both. I felt like the entire time the ride was in action, I was thinking about how my neck was placed, was my head moving, should I use my hands to hold it in place, and then reality would click in, heck no, that would mean I have to let go of this hand rail! At the end of the night, I was talked into the new indoor, glow in the dark, twisty roller coaster, Laff Trakk. It was the longest we waited the entire day, plenty of time to debate my choice of going on. I was justifying the whole time, it's new, it'll be smooth, it's fast, it will be over quickly, it is the last ride of the day and if I get a headache, oh well. I NEEDED to go on. I did. AND OH MY GOSH IT WAS AWESOME!
The doctor warned me to be very careful in amusement parks. It was not a "restriction", but more so what I call a cautious suggestion. I was cautious. I did not go on all the rides I wanted to, but I went on the ones that were going to prevent a headache from being triggered. I was still able to go an entire day of walking in a park, water park slides and swimming, and even ride on roller coasters. Two years ago, this whole trip would have been "noped".
On Saturday, I devoured Advil, many times. but so did Allie and my uncle. I had a headache and my body HURT, but I think it was more so exhaustion and dehydration. It never turned into a full on Chiari headache. I can truthfully say, it was an accomplishment for me, just like the 5k and snowboarding. A full day in an amusement park and riding roller coasters are both things I would never even consider doing. I am thankful for my family (especially Allie) who keeps "making" me do things that I am so hesitant to do. :)
Okay, back to the 4th of July and the idea of independence. Life is funny, comes to a full circle. I saw a Lion King quote today that said, "You need to find your place in the Circle of Life." Thinking about it today, I see how the people so close to me are all in different places in life. So weird, you are born, you are taken care of, you are taught to independently dress yourself, independently make your bed, independently make your lunch, independently walk into school, independently do your homework, independently drive, and then BOOM. Real world.
In college, I lived on my own, I was independent, right? HA! Mom and Dad got me a school loan, I did not do that independently. Mom and Dad paid for my apartment, I was not paying for that independently. Mom and Dad paid for half of my car that got me to and from school each day, something else I did not do independently. Mom and Dad kept my room in their house for me to come back to when I was feeling sad, excited, or just needed a break. I still NEEDED my Mom and Dad.
Yes, I made many of my own decisions at this time. I independently chose to be a teacher, even if I second guessed myself and spent a semester in nursing, and a summer questioning how I could be a teacher and a hair dresser. But, in reality, I, myself, made the choice to be a teacher. I independently made my friends. I independently grocery shopped with my money (except when I stole from Mom's house). I independently paid for my gas money. I had a taste of what independence was, but really, feel like I still have no idea.
After graduating was even worse. I needed my parents. I lived at their house. I ate their food. I begged for their support when finding a job was hard. I craved hugs to remind me that its okay that life feels tough. I used their storage to keep all my teacher things as I jumped from job to job. I needed help when it came time to figure out what the heck was wrong with my body. I needed Mom to drive me to appointments and understand what the next steps were. I needed her to call the insurance companies to understand what was being covered and what THEY would need to pay.
After the surgery, I was the least independent I have ever been. Mom was bathing me, feeding me, and both her and Dad were literally carrying me at times.
Now, I own my own house. But again, couldn't do it without my parents. I wouldn't have known how to begin the process, wouldn't have understood the mortgage process, wouldn't have known where to find half the paperwork I needed, and would have been scared out of my mind. I wouldn't have been able to take down the lights I didn't like, put in the new chandeliers, put in the ceiling fans, or throw a house warming party.
I thank God every day for the relationship I have with my parents and that they have taught me the skills to be as independent as I can at each stage of my life. I will never be able to put into words the appreciation I have.
Now, that being said (long and boring, sorry!) I want to give my sister a shout out. If you have read my blog before, you know she has struggles. She is an addict that has been through quite a journey fighting the disease. She has been independent to what I would say is a fault. She makes her own decisions and her own choices and does not ask for help from those that love her and support her. She has been very dependent on drugs and on people that were not good company for her. There have been many times that I am frustrated, angry and in all honesty, resent her.
But, in the last three weeks her independence has been a strength. She moved down to Florida with a friend. She made the plan completely on her own. I admit, I was very angry that she would want to leave the possible life she had up here with us, the people that love her most. As the time passes, I can see, it was best she left. It was best that she made the independent choice to leave. She had no money, no car, no job, she only had hope that this would be a better life for her. She was going to figure out how to live down there independently.
Then, she was in the hospital. She was yellow in color, horrible stomach pains and just not feeling "right". After a few days it was decided they would release her and she would need to see a GI doctor. Fast forward three weeks, and she just got her gall bladder out.
My sister is by herself. She independently made phone calls to find a doctor down there that takes her insurance. She independently went to doctor's appointments. She independently dealt with the fear, sadness and unknown. Yes, she has her friend and my cousin and uncle live near by. But, what about Mom? What about Dad? Jackson? and Me? How is she doing it?
I know this is just a difference of personalities. I am too close to my family and dependent and emotional. She is independent, brave and strong. I can not imagine ever doing any part of that process without the physical support of my family. Yes, we were here, 10 states up, calling and sending positive thoughts and prayers. But physically, we are here, 10 states up, with nothing to do but call and send positive thoughts and prayers. And, Maggie, she was okay with it.
So Mag, if you are reading this. I am proud of you. I am proud of the strength you had. I am proud of your independence during the process. I love you.
Independence is just a crazy thing. I look at my parents and how they both were so independent at such a young age. I look at my sister, brother and I, all my friends, cousins, and I see how different independence looks nowadays. I look at how different it looks for each of us. I also look at my grandparents. They have been independent since they were 17 years old. Now, as they get older, have more aches and pains and become a little more forgetful, they need to give up some of their independence and become a little more dependent on their kids. I watch my mom, aunts and uncles, wanting to help and not sure where the dependence line is drawn. Life is just so funny how it really is a full circle. Now Mommom and Bub, if you are reading this, don't read too far into this. We love you and just want you to feel better! ;)
I apologize to all my Chiari followers that are sitting here thinking, what the heck is this girl talking about, none of this has to do with Chiari or headaches. Actually, just writing this is giving me a headache. The way life works, its events, its obstacles, the reality of it all, is it is overwhelming. It can give you non-Chiari people a headache. Living life in pain, of any sort, physical like us Chiarians, emotional pain like many face, is hard. Living my life with Chiari, pre-surgery I was dependent. Dependent on my parents, on medicine and on ice packs. Living life with Chiari, post-surgery I am independent. Once again, I thank my parents, family, friends, and Dr. Vez for letting me be able to comfortably find my place in this circle of life.
I hate when I finish a blog and don't feel like I got my point across. I actually stopped writing for about three hours this morning because I had no idea how to conclude it. I still don't. This was more or less a post of me debating whether or not where I am in life is where I am supposed to be. I saw another quote when I was searching about the circle of life and independence. It said, "Bewith who makes you happy". I can contently, honestly, and truthfully say I am happy, and isn't that what is most important in life? Happiness? I make me happy.
The rain down here in LBI is crazy, my head is a bit tingly, and I just got to play with two three year olds which made my morning more fun. Like I said, I have no real direction to go from here and not sure what I want to end on, so I guess I will just say Hakuna Matata and have a happy, healthy and safe holiday!!! :)
On this Independence Day Weekend, I found myself thinking about independence in general. Not in the way I am probably supposed to be thinking about it, like "thank you America for my freedom". But more so, "Thank you Mom and Dad for all the opportunities and support you have given me to have the skills to be independent." And honestly, this morning, I wasn't even thinking it in relation to myself, believe it or not, I was thinking it in terms of my sister. But, I will get back to that in a minute.
I want to toot my own horn and really my cousin Allie's horn for, once again, getting me to do something outside of my Chiari comfort zone. Back in February, Allie talked me into going to Vermont to go snowboarding. I was extremely fearful, if you remember reading that post, as those dang ski lifts are what I blame for the start of my Chairi journey. Last weekend, Allie (and my Aunt Kara - she deserves some credit too) asked me to go to Hershey Park for the weekend. We would do the park all day Friday, do Chocolate World, the pool and babysit the four kids while Ka, G, and another couple went to a concert on Saturday, and leave when we wanted to on Sunday. Kara actually asked me back in the beginning of May if I would be interested in the trip and I fed her a real excuse, "It will be the end of June, I will be on the beach, sorry!" But, when she frantically asked Allie the day before the trip, and we noticed the crappy weather heading our way, we both agreed it would be something fun to do for the weekend.
I say Al got me out of my comfort zone because a rule I made after getting the surgery, is that I would stay away from roller coasters. Don't get me wrong, I am not "Miss Thrill Seeker". I walked in the park and "noped" two of the new roller coasters. However, I do love a good roller coaster.
Growing up, the Great Bear was one of my favorites. The minute I saw it, I knew, there was no way I was going to comfortably ride it without triggering a "stupid headache" (as I referred to it much of the trip). Anything with a harness over your head, quickly became "noped". I was talked into Trailblazer and Super Dooper Looper. Although I have to admit, once was enough for both. I felt like the entire time the ride was in action, I was thinking about how my neck was placed, was my head moving, should I use my hands to hold it in place, and then reality would click in, heck no, that would mean I have to let go of this hand rail! At the end of the night, I was talked into the new indoor, glow in the dark, twisty roller coaster, Laff Trakk. It was the longest we waited the entire day, plenty of time to debate my choice of going on. I was justifying the whole time, it's new, it'll be smooth, it's fast, it will be over quickly, it is the last ride of the day and if I get a headache, oh well. I NEEDED to go on. I did. AND OH MY GOSH IT WAS AWESOME!
The doctor warned me to be very careful in amusement parks. It was not a "restriction", but more so what I call a cautious suggestion. I was cautious. I did not go on all the rides I wanted to, but I went on the ones that were going to prevent a headache from being triggered. I was still able to go an entire day of walking in a park, water park slides and swimming, and even ride on roller coasters. Two years ago, this whole trip would have been "noped".
On Saturday, I devoured Advil, many times. but so did Allie and my uncle. I had a headache and my body HURT, but I think it was more so exhaustion and dehydration. It never turned into a full on Chiari headache. I can truthfully say, it was an accomplishment for me, just like the 5k and snowboarding. A full day in an amusement park and riding roller coasters are both things I would never even consider doing. I am thankful for my family (especially Allie) who keeps "making" me do things that I am so hesitant to do. :)
Okay, back to the 4th of July and the idea of independence. Life is funny, comes to a full circle. I saw a Lion King quote today that said, "You need to find your place in the Circle of Life." Thinking about it today, I see how the people so close to me are all in different places in life. So weird, you are born, you are taken care of, you are taught to independently dress yourself, independently make your bed, independently make your lunch, independently walk into school, independently do your homework, independently drive, and then BOOM. Real world.
In college, I lived on my own, I was independent, right? HA! Mom and Dad got me a school loan, I did not do that independently. Mom and Dad paid for my apartment, I was not paying for that independently. Mom and Dad paid for half of my car that got me to and from school each day, something else I did not do independently. Mom and Dad kept my room in their house for me to come back to when I was feeling sad, excited, or just needed a break. I still NEEDED my Mom and Dad.
Yes, I made many of my own decisions at this time. I independently chose to be a teacher, even if I second guessed myself and spent a semester in nursing, and a summer questioning how I could be a teacher and a hair dresser. But, in reality, I, myself, made the choice to be a teacher. I independently made my friends. I independently grocery shopped with my money (except when I stole from Mom's house). I independently paid for my gas money. I had a taste of what independence was, but really, feel like I still have no idea.
After graduating was even worse. I needed my parents. I lived at their house. I ate their food. I begged for their support when finding a job was hard. I craved hugs to remind me that its okay that life feels tough. I used their storage to keep all my teacher things as I jumped from job to job. I needed help when it came time to figure out what the heck was wrong with my body. I needed Mom to drive me to appointments and understand what the next steps were. I needed her to call the insurance companies to understand what was being covered and what THEY would need to pay.
After the surgery, I was the least independent I have ever been. Mom was bathing me, feeding me, and both her and Dad were literally carrying me at times.
Now, I own my own house. But again, couldn't do it without my parents. I wouldn't have known how to begin the process, wouldn't have understood the mortgage process, wouldn't have known where to find half the paperwork I needed, and would have been scared out of my mind. I wouldn't have been able to take down the lights I didn't like, put in the new chandeliers, put in the ceiling fans, or throw a house warming party.
I thank God every day for the relationship I have with my parents and that they have taught me the skills to be as independent as I can at each stage of my life. I will never be able to put into words the appreciation I have.
Now, that being said (long and boring, sorry!) I want to give my sister a shout out. If you have read my blog before, you know she has struggles. She is an addict that has been through quite a journey fighting the disease. She has been independent to what I would say is a fault. She makes her own decisions and her own choices and does not ask for help from those that love her and support her. She has been very dependent on drugs and on people that were not good company for her. There have been many times that I am frustrated, angry and in all honesty, resent her.
But, in the last three weeks her independence has been a strength. She moved down to Florida with a friend. She made the plan completely on her own. I admit, I was very angry that she would want to leave the possible life she had up here with us, the people that love her most. As the time passes, I can see, it was best she left. It was best that she made the independent choice to leave. She had no money, no car, no job, she only had hope that this would be a better life for her. She was going to figure out how to live down there independently.
Then, she was in the hospital. She was yellow in color, horrible stomach pains and just not feeling "right". After a few days it was decided they would release her and she would need to see a GI doctor. Fast forward three weeks, and she just got her gall bladder out.
My sister is by herself. She independently made phone calls to find a doctor down there that takes her insurance. She independently went to doctor's appointments. She independently dealt with the fear, sadness and unknown. Yes, she has her friend and my cousin and uncle live near by. But, what about Mom? What about Dad? Jackson? and Me? How is she doing it?
I know this is just a difference of personalities. I am too close to my family and dependent and emotional. She is independent, brave and strong. I can not imagine ever doing any part of that process without the physical support of my family. Yes, we were here, 10 states up, calling and sending positive thoughts and prayers. But physically, we are here, 10 states up, with nothing to do but call and send positive thoughts and prayers. And, Maggie, she was okay with it.
So Mag, if you are reading this. I am proud of you. I am proud of the strength you had. I am proud of your independence during the process. I love you.
Independence is just a crazy thing. I look at my parents and how they both were so independent at such a young age. I look at my sister, brother and I, all my friends, cousins, and I see how different independence looks nowadays. I look at how different it looks for each of us. I also look at my grandparents. They have been independent since they were 17 years old. Now, as they get older, have more aches and pains and become a little more forgetful, they need to give up some of their independence and become a little more dependent on their kids. I watch my mom, aunts and uncles, wanting to help and not sure where the dependence line is drawn. Life is just so funny how it really is a full circle. Now Mommom and Bub, if you are reading this, don't read too far into this. We love you and just want you to feel better! ;)
I apologize to all my Chiari followers that are sitting here thinking, what the heck is this girl talking about, none of this has to do with Chiari or headaches. Actually, just writing this is giving me a headache. The way life works, its events, its obstacles, the reality of it all, is it is overwhelming. It can give you non-Chiari people a headache. Living life in pain, of any sort, physical like us Chiarians, emotional pain like many face, is hard. Living my life with Chiari, pre-surgery I was dependent. Dependent on my parents, on medicine and on ice packs. Living life with Chiari, post-surgery I am independent. Once again, I thank my parents, family, friends, and Dr. Vez for letting me be able to comfortably find my place in this circle of life.
I hate when I finish a blog and don't feel like I got my point across. I actually stopped writing for about three hours this morning because I had no idea how to conclude it. I still don't. This was more or less a post of me debating whether or not where I am in life is where I am supposed to be. I saw another quote when I was searching about the circle of life and independence. It said, "Be
The rain down here in LBI is crazy, my head is a bit tingly, and I just got to play with two three year olds which made my morning more fun. Like I said, I have no real direction to go from here and not sure what I want to end on, so I guess I will just say Hakuna Matata and have a happy, healthy and safe holiday!!! :)
Thursday, May 14, 2015
Today I Will Smile...
I mean, really, every day I smile. It is one of the best things about me ... if I may say so myself. I am a happy person with a positive outlook on life. I love the simple things in life.
If you have read this before, you know I love my family, my friends, my faith, my job. I love giraffes, airplanes, Pittsburgh sports, warm weather and sunshine. I love pickles, TV shows, Hunter Pence and Rickie Fowler, the beach, the color yellow, country music. I love going to the driving range, having a catch, and dare I say, going for a run?! I love grilled cheese and Daddy Soup. I LOVE surprises, wearing underwear and a T-shirt, flowers or thoughtful gifts that are unexpected. I'm easy to please...
I just saw that ABC News is doing a special on a boy that goes to Saint Joe's and has Chiari. He has had two surgeries, the first not being as successful as mine. He is determined to get himself back on the baseball field. Jamie Apody tells me it is an inspirational story. My favorite kind!
I am literally sitting here, waiting to watch the story, like a kid getting ready to open Christmas presents. I am so excited. A positive twist on Chiari is right up my alley. OH MY GOSH AND GUESS WHAT? The boy that the story is about, just friend requested me on Facebook! Life is so cool.
I am excited that there is awareness being spread in a positive way! I have said it once, twice and will a million more times but my experience was the best it ever could have been. I loved my doctor, I loved the hospital, I loved the cool glass sliding doors to my room, I loved my nurses, I loved the food at the hospital, I loved the hospital visitors I had, I loved the texts, gifts, flowers, balloons, and cool, unique gifts I got! I loved that my doctor did not shave too much of my hair. I loved that he pretended he was going to listen to my "funny story" before the anesthesia kicked in. I loved my baby hairs as they grew back. I loved my ice packs. I loved getting hooked on Sons of Anarchy, Homeland and Shameless. I loved having milkshakes for breakfast and chocolate covered strawberries for lunch. I loved all the cards I got in the mail and I loved the people that reached out, people I never would have expected. Did I mention that I love surprises?!
Last week, I had a HORRIBLE Chiari headache. I woke up feeling it in my neck, but took some Advil and went to work. I had a field trip to go see the Jungle Book at the Arden Theater, noway was I going to miss it. I knew my little friends were going to love it! I did okay, but by the time I took the bus there, accounted for all 24 kiddos fifty times, shh'd my friend that was calling out to all the actors, reassured the whiny, hungry ones they would survive the last half hour, that it was only one episode of their favorite show, got them back on the noisy bus, and home to their parents...I was literally dying. It was the worst pain that I ever remembered. But, then, I did remember. This is what I felt like every day.
I got to my other school around 1:00. I tried to eat, maybe that was what was causing the headache. Chugged two bottles of water, maybe that was what was causing the headache. Nope. I sat in the chair by the computer, my co-worker BFF put a divider up between me and the classroom, and I rested with my eyes shut and an ice pack from the nurse. I was nauseous. I was dizzy. I couldn't keep my eyes open. I drove home, slowly. I walked, well crawled, up my steps, got an ice pack, laid on the couch at 4:15. I woke up at 6:30. I took an Advil PM and a regular Advil. I was asleep by 7:15 and slept until morning.
That is exactly how I was living pre-surgery. I forgot. I forgot how much Chiari really hurts. I forgot how much Chiari impacts daily life. I forgot how Chiari affected which activities and events that I attend. I forgot how much Chiari affected my excitement for things. I forgot how much Chiari pain spread across my body. I really, truly, honestly forgot how much Chiari sucks.
I believe God gives me these headaches to remind me ... Chairi Malformation Brain Decompression Surgery was single-handedly the best decision I have made for myself to date. I have joked before, I wasn't really given the "choice" to have the surgery, but I made the choice to be positive. I made the choice to be hopeful. I made the choice to be faithful. I made the choice to rely on my support systems. I made the choice to make this the best experience it could be. And, it was. Is it wrong of me to say, it was oddly a favorite time of my life?
Everyone has their shit. My go-to motto of life. Other than my Let go, Let God and Life is Good. Everyone. Every single person is dealing with some kind of, well for lack of a better word ... shit. I had brain surgery, my sister is an addict, my mom had breast cancer, my brother has made dumb decisions and getting himself out of trouble, my dad has what he calls "baby cancers" cut out of his skin. All shit.
Some friends have parents that are dying. Some friends have siblings that are questioning their sexuality. Some friends have kids even though they weren't sure they were ready. Some friends are in debt, still not able to move to the next stage of their life because of it. Some friends questioning their relationships with their significant others, others questioning their relationships with God. Some friends got a flat tire on their way to work, some spilled their coffee, and hey, some just have a headache. Again, it is all just shit.
If we are all dealing with something, why can't we all just breath, relax. Deal with it? Continue to do things we love, do things that make us happy. Why do we dwell? Why do we question God and His plan? Why do we always ask the "what ifs"?
What if we all just accept life for what it is? A chance to be the best version of ourselves.
I am trying to practice what I am preaching. About a year ago, when my sister started her recovery once again, and was seemingly taking it very seriously, she told me that she often thought us "normal" people should work the steps. I remember I wrote about my thoughts about it in a previous blog. Now, after having her relapse and enter recovery once again, I thought more about it. She was right. We should all get a chance to face admit we are powerless over many things in life, face our demons whatever they may be, accept the things we can not change, have the courage to change what we can, make amends with those we have hurt, and help others that are going through similar things.
Recently, a friend gave me a book that is used in Families Anonymous. A "Big Book" for us "normal" peeps. Normal? Yeah right! But, really, this book has been a savior the past few days. It has put words to emotions that I have been feeling for months, years! Each passage ends with a "Today I will ..." These have been my favorite. Hence the title, "Today I will Smile". I am so happy to have something to give me strength, hope, and confidence that I will find peace with the things I can not control.
So this blog went from tooting my own horn about how awesome I am and easy to please (...and I don't have a boyfriend why???), to reminiscing about how awesome my surgery and recovery went, to believing that everyone has shit and no one has stinkier shit than the rest, and ended reminding myself that I am in control of my own happiness. Sorry for the rambling mess of words. I have never been organized (you can ask my Mama or coworkers), but I hope my points were made.
If nothing else, the moral of the blog is the same as many others I have written...
Life is SO Good.
If you have read this before, you know I love my family, my friends, my faith, my job. I love giraffes, airplanes, Pittsburgh sports, warm weather and sunshine. I love pickles, TV shows, Hunter Pence and Rickie Fowler, the beach, the color yellow, country music. I love going to the driving range, having a catch, and dare I say, going for a run?! I love grilled cheese and Daddy Soup. I LOVE surprises, wearing underwear and a T-shirt, flowers or thoughtful gifts that are unexpected. I'm easy to please...
I just saw that ABC News is doing a special on a boy that goes to Saint Joe's and has Chiari. He has had two surgeries, the first not being as successful as mine. He is determined to get himself back on the baseball field. Jamie Apody tells me it is an inspirational story. My favorite kind!
I am literally sitting here, waiting to watch the story, like a kid getting ready to open Christmas presents. I am so excited. A positive twist on Chiari is right up my alley. OH MY GOSH AND GUESS WHAT? The boy that the story is about, just friend requested me on Facebook! Life is so cool.
I am excited that there is awareness being spread in a positive way! I have said it once, twice and will a million more times but my experience was the best it ever could have been. I loved my doctor, I loved the hospital, I loved the cool glass sliding doors to my room, I loved my nurses, I loved the food at the hospital, I loved the hospital visitors I had, I loved the texts, gifts, flowers, balloons, and cool, unique gifts I got! I loved that my doctor did not shave too much of my hair. I loved that he pretended he was going to listen to my "funny story" before the anesthesia kicked in. I loved my baby hairs as they grew back. I loved my ice packs. I loved getting hooked on Sons of Anarchy, Homeland and Shameless. I loved having milkshakes for breakfast and chocolate covered strawberries for lunch. I loved all the cards I got in the mail and I loved the people that reached out, people I never would have expected. Did I mention that I love surprises?!
Last week, I had a HORRIBLE Chiari headache. I woke up feeling it in my neck, but took some Advil and went to work. I had a field trip to go see the Jungle Book at the Arden Theater, noway was I going to miss it. I knew my little friends were going to love it! I did okay, but by the time I took the bus there, accounted for all 24 kiddos fifty times, shh'd my friend that was calling out to all the actors, reassured the whiny, hungry ones they would survive the last half hour, that it was only one episode of their favorite show, got them back on the noisy bus, and home to their parents...I was literally dying. It was the worst pain that I ever remembered. But, then, I did remember. This is what I felt like every day.
I got to my other school around 1:00. I tried to eat, maybe that was what was causing the headache. Chugged two bottles of water, maybe that was what was causing the headache. Nope. I sat in the chair by the computer, my co-worker BFF put a divider up between me and the classroom, and I rested with my eyes shut and an ice pack from the nurse. I was nauseous. I was dizzy. I couldn't keep my eyes open. I drove home, slowly. I walked, well crawled, up my steps, got an ice pack, laid on the couch at 4:15. I woke up at 6:30. I took an Advil PM and a regular Advil. I was asleep by 7:15 and slept until morning.
That is exactly how I was living pre-surgery. I forgot. I forgot how much Chiari really hurts. I forgot how much Chiari impacts daily life. I forgot how Chiari affected which activities and events that I attend. I forgot how much Chiari affected my excitement for things. I forgot how much Chiari pain spread across my body. I really, truly, honestly forgot how much Chiari sucks.
I believe God gives me these headaches to remind me ... Chairi Malformation Brain Decompression Surgery was single-handedly the best decision I have made for myself to date. I have joked before, I wasn't really given the "choice" to have the surgery, but I made the choice to be positive. I made the choice to be hopeful. I made the choice to be faithful. I made the choice to rely on my support systems. I made the choice to make this the best experience it could be. And, it was. Is it wrong of me to say, it was oddly a favorite time of my life?
Everyone has their shit. My go-to motto of life. Other than my Let go, Let God and Life is Good. Everyone. Every single person is dealing with some kind of, well for lack of a better word ... shit. I had brain surgery, my sister is an addict, my mom had breast cancer, my brother has made dumb decisions and getting himself out of trouble, my dad has what he calls "baby cancers" cut out of his skin. All shit.
Some friends have parents that are dying. Some friends have siblings that are questioning their sexuality. Some friends have kids even though they weren't sure they were ready. Some friends are in debt, still not able to move to the next stage of their life because of it. Some friends questioning their relationships with their significant others, others questioning their relationships with God. Some friends got a flat tire on their way to work, some spilled their coffee, and hey, some just have a headache. Again, it is all just shit.
If we are all dealing with something, why can't we all just breath, relax. Deal with it? Continue to do things we love, do things that make us happy. Why do we dwell? Why do we question God and His plan? Why do we always ask the "what ifs"?
What if we all just accept life for what it is? A chance to be the best version of ourselves.
I am trying to practice what I am preaching. About a year ago, when my sister started her recovery once again, and was seemingly taking it very seriously, she told me that she often thought us "normal" people should work the steps. I remember I wrote about my thoughts about it in a previous blog. Now, after having her relapse and enter recovery once again, I thought more about it. She was right. We should all get a chance to face admit we are powerless over many things in life, face our demons whatever they may be, accept the things we can not change, have the courage to change what we can, make amends with those we have hurt, and help others that are going through similar things.
Recently, a friend gave me a book that is used in Families Anonymous. A "Big Book" for us "normal" peeps. Normal? Yeah right! But, really, this book has been a savior the past few days. It has put words to emotions that I have been feeling for months, years! Each passage ends with a "Today I will ..." These have been my favorite. Hence the title, "Today I will Smile". I am so happy to have something to give me strength, hope, and confidence that I will find peace with the things I can not control.
So this blog went from tooting my own horn about how awesome I am and easy to please (...and I don't have a boyfriend why???), to reminiscing about how awesome my surgery and recovery went, to believing that everyone has shit and no one has stinkier shit than the rest, and ended reminding myself that I am in control of my own happiness. Sorry for the rambling mess of words. I have never been organized (you can ask my Mama or coworkers), but I hope my points were made.
If nothing else, the moral of the blog is the same as many others I have written...
Life is SO Good.
Friday, April 10, 2015
Running in Circles
I wrote that title, and I don't even know why I felt it was appropriate, but I'm sure I will spend the rest of this post justifying it.
Running. I did run the Phillies 5k. Ran. The whole thing. I was on such an adrenalin high afterwards, that in understood why people enjoy it. I have never been a runner. I don't enjoy it, but in that moment, I felt like a runner, who in fact, enjoyed it. Before my surgery I never would have considered running any distance. And by choice? No way in hell. After the race, the girls and I went out and got a drink to celebrate our individual victories. I couldn't have done it without them.
And yet, the next 52 hours, I was in pure pain. I slept for about 24 of them, laid around with ice on my neck and shoulders, and cried a lot. That being said, I refuse to believe it was the run that triggered this headache. I believe that in my excitement and crazy stances I may have lashed my neck forward, I may have strained my neck carrying that heavy medal around it or maybe I even sneezed! I wanted to complain. I really did. But, I couldn't. I was so proud of myself. I took those two and a half days as a reminder of why I had the surgery. It was a reminder that this is how I was living pre-surgery. Feeling disabled like that, was my daily life. Two days, no big deal. Since those 52 hours have been over, I have run equal distance and time with no problems. I can enjoy my runs without fear of a disabling headache. Yay.
So 5k race, check. Hosting a housewarming party, check. 2nd Brainiversary, check. Pens clinch a playoff spot tonight, hopefully check. Phillies started playing again, check. Nice weather should be moving in, check. I work with my best friends, check. Got a cool giraffe shirt in my Easter basket, check. Seemingly, things are going well.
And yet, again, my sister is not doing well. All over the internet today, there are updates and statuses about national sibling day. It makes me sad. I know, I know, made up holiday. But, shouldn't every day be sibling day? Shouldn't you be able to call your sibling to talk about a new song that is out or go out to eat your favorite hot dogs? Shouldn't you be able to open your Easter baskets alongside one another, celebrate birthdays? Shouldn't you be laughing about that time we were driving on the wrong side of the road or when we hit the duck? Shouldn't it be easier for me to think of happy memories to write about? Shouldn't I be excited to show off a picture of us 3? I'm not.
I'm sad. I'm scared. I'm jealous. I'm mad. I'm angry. I'm sad that you chose to leave a safe place. I'm scared for the life you will lead now. I'm jealous you have chosen to love something more than us. I'm mad that you have left us. I'm angry that I'm writing this as if you no longer exist.
Lastly, I'm hopeful. Less so than I used to be, but I continue to have faith. Faith that He will keep you safe. Faith that He has a plan for you. Faith that He will help you find happiness. Faith that He will help us four find forgiveness.
And to my brother, thank you for being there to call when I have a new show to tell you about. Thanks for listening to me yell at you for silly decisions. Thanks for loving chips and dip, the Penguins and the shore as much as I do. Thanks for being funny, confident, and loving. Happy siblings day to you Dewey. I love you.
After spending a family filled, overly lazy, paperwork doing, rainy. crappy eating, Troy Polamalu retiring, non-exercising spring break, I am very ready to get back into my routine. As I mentioned many times in my earlier blogs, anytime that I have a lack of structure (especially combined with dreaded rain) I find myself overanalyzing, lonely and anxious. That's not me. I'm ready to get back to what I love, my job, my best friends/coworkers/therapists :), and of course my kiddos.
So, here I am finishing up and realizing I never came full circle, to my running in circles title. I guess that's how I feel. That I'm constantly moving in a circle, in all obstacles of my life. I have these ups and downs and ups again. I start all my paperwork, finish it, and have to start again. I clean my floors, walk on them, have to clean again. My sister does well, and then we start back at the beginning again. I start to date someone I like, but end up back where I started. The Phillies allow 6 runs, get two, and allow two more. I grocery shop, eat, have to go again. I feel excited, lots to look forward to, hit anxiety, then start over again. I sleep well, have sleepless nights, and catch up again. I know, I know, this is life. Just somedays, I wish I could walk a bit more of a straight line.
Oh well, ending on a positive note, looking forward to warm weather, Phillies winning a game, Penguins clinching, spring clothes and longer days!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)