A YEAR IN REVIEW

As is everyone else in the entire world, I am reflecting on the past year…and I am struggling with it.  This year had ENDLESS ups and downs.  Looking back, I honestly can’t believe it all happened in just 365 days. 

I thought, maybe just to spare you and limit myself from infinite paragraphs of things to review, I would just do thirteen (because it was 2013 – get it?)  My hope is to put a positive spin on everything I list, but you may notice that some are a stretch!

Here we go –

 

Amy’s Top 13 from 2013 (in no particular order)!

13 – House Hunting. 

 

I chose this to talk about first because it is the most recent.  This year has led me to really feel ready to move out of my parents’ house and into my own.  I have spent the last few months really looking around and contemplating where I want to be and when.  Financially I am still figuring out what is realistic and to support that I am playing the lottery a bit more.  Just kidding.  But, I feel that if all the events of this past year hadn’t happened in the order they did or in the manner they did, I wouldn’t have felt the want or need to get out. 

12 – Moving. 

 

Obviously this goes with number 13.  As a family, we moved from my childhood home into a new, open, beautiful home in a 55+ community.  Yes, at 26, I live in a retirement community.  Have I mentioned I NEED to get out?  Kidding…kind of.  Anyway, I do love this house.  I love that I have my own space.  I love that I am less than a mile from my childhood house.  I love the paint colors of the new house.  I love that all five of us are living in the same house again.  However, all five of us are living in the same house again.  Five adults, with very different personalities, very different attitudes, and very different beliefs.  It’s tough.  So although I love my new house, love my family being together, and love living home, I ask you to divert your eyes back to number 13.  I am ready! 

11 – New Job. 

 

I finished out my year last year in Medford with so much support, great friends, and wonderful families.  I couldn’t have asked for a better school to be in during such a difficult year of my life.  I felt I could talk to many of my friends within the school.  Administration was understanding.  I had parent support.  I had students that cared.  I didn’t want to leave.  My time in Medford was wonderful and really molded me to be the teacher that I have always wanted to be.  Then, in August, I got hired in Haddon Township.  I was nervous, skeptical, and anxious.  From day one, they were welcoming, complimentary, and supportive.  I get to co-teach with two wonderful teachers.  I have made what I believe will be life-long friendships.  It is a very different district in terms of culture, diversity and socioeconomic status, which just makes me appreciate my job even more.  I am proud to work in such a caring district.  I still enjoy going to work everyday and can truly say I LOVE MY JOB!

10 – Christmas. 

 

Again, I know this is so recent, but this past Christmas exceeded last years in all ways.  Last year, we didn’t know where my sister was.  We were not sure if she was safe, if she was warm, and sadly…we didn’t even know if she was alive.  This year, she was safe, she was warm (although she is always cold), and she was very much alive.  She was more alive than I have seen her in years.  She was with the entire family on Christmas Eve.  She was the first one to wake up Christmas morning.  She was so thankful for every gift and every hug she got.  During our Christmas Eve blessing, my mommom thanked God for bringing our smiley, silly, and happy girl back to us this year.  Immediately, we all cried.  I’m not kidding, there were about 25 grown adults crying, crying the happiest of tears.  Last Christmas morning, my brother and I opened gifts from Santa, slowly and somewhat carelessly.  There was no spirit, no happiness, and no magic.  This year during Santa presents, we laughed, we joked, we smiled and we felt the Christmas magic that we deserved to feel.  I can’t thank God enough for his guidance in allowing my sister to be with us fully this holiday season.

9 – Addiction. 

 

I hate to go from a happy Christmas to the horrible sickness of addiction, but honestly, that is how my life goes these days.  From wonderful, happy bliss, to some days, what feels just like a black hole.  I have said it a bajillion times before and I will continue to say it until the day I die, I would not wish addiction on my worst enemy.  It is solely the hardest, most emotionally draining, aggravating, frustrating, heart-breaking, disease.  My mom drilled in our brains from the day we were born that we have it in our family, it doesn’t take much to become addicted, and she prays and hopes we will never feel the need to experiment.  Luckily, I didn’t.  Unfortunately, both my sister and brother have had and continue to have struggles with it.  I can’t speak for them or for any addict, I can’t speak as a parent of an addict, but I can speak first hand as a sister that has dealt with both siblings fighting the battle.  My heart breaks, my chest gets tight, and I fight tears every time the phone rings.  Every time the door bell rings.  Every time the door to my house opens or closes.  Every time either of my siblings are not home when they are supposed to be.  Every time I leave my purse in a different room than where I am.  Every time I can’t find my keys.  Every time I wake up.  Every time I go to sleep.  I live in a state of fear and anxiety for them.  Now, I am the happiest person I know.  I do love life.  I do have faith that things work out how they are supposed to.  However, I will never understand how this has happened to my family.  I don’t need to ask “why” over and over again, because I know God has made this part of our journey for one reason or another.  I will not question my faith, but I do question the disease.  I have been to an AA meeting with my sister and I felt that alone helped me get a grip on how my sister feels emotionally and physically as she struggles with this battle everyday.  I continue to pray and ask for your prayers.  Just to end this little (ha WAY long) paragraph, my mom said something to me this past week that put where we are in our own daily struggles with their addictions.  She said, “Pretend we are making a paper chain link.  All the good days are colorful and all the bad days are black.  Is our chain colorful?”  In the past six months, our chain has become more colorful.  Here’s hoping 2014 is full of color. 

8 – Travel. 

 

Lets go to a happier place.  This year I got to travel to Nashville and North Carolina.  Nashville was a dream come true with all the cowboys, country music and southern cooking!  I had such a wonderful time celebrating my best friend’s bachelorette party and spending time with great friends.  North Carolina was equally exciting because I GOT TO FEED A GIRAFFE!  I spent a full eight days away from home, headache free and feeling wonderful.  A year ago, I never would have booked this trip, knowing I would have had much difficulty getting through the first half of the trip, let alone a second part.  Since my surgery, I have successfully traveled and have booked a trip to Dallas in the spring. I am one lucky girl to be feeling well enough that I can now plan ahead with little to no fear.  J

7 – Weddings. 

 

When I look back on 2013, a lot of what I remember is engagement parties, bridal showers, brides, grooms, $100 checks, electric slides, and open bars.  None of which were my own, just saying.  Also notice not once did I mention having a wedding date.  Again, just saying.  Anyway… this was a happy year for so many of my best friends and cousins and I was so excited to be a part of their special days.  After eight weddings in 2013, I am getting a break in 2014 by only having five more, so far!  Who knew I had so many friends?

6 – Friends. 

 

Making a joke about how many friends I have, shouldn’t have been a joke.  This past year, showed me how many friends I really do have.  “Friend” is a term I used to use so loosely.  “My friend pumped my gas yesterday”, okay, he wasn’t my friend, but he said “Fill it up regular?” nicely.  “My friend Justin did such a good job on SNL last night!” Okay, again, JT is not my friend, but he makes me laugh like my friends, so I can count it right?  In all seriousness, this year I felt the love and support of true friends.  People I forgot existed reached out during my struggles this year.  People I haven’t thought about in years sent gifts.  People I haven’t talked to in months, visited.  These people define true friends.  If this surgery taught me nothing else, it taught me the importance of being there for others.  The most minimal action can change an entire day for someone.  I learned this first hand this year.  I feel that I am repeating myself a million times from previous blogs, but I plan to use all of my friends’ nice words and actions to pay it forward.  Friendship is an indescribable feeling.  I am so lucky to have so many old and new.

5 – Family. 

 

I can’t believe family is number five on my list, but I feel like I need to mention it before you all get bored of reading this (as if it isn’t already too late).  My family, immediate and extended has always been number one in my life.  I spend more time with them than many do with their own.  I enjoy my family, my aunts, my uncles, my cousins, and my grandparents.  They make me laugh, smile, and feel loved.  I am lucky enough to call so many of my family members, my friends.  During my surgery, my cousin in the Marines, came and surprised me in the hospital, which may have been one of my happiest moments in my life.  During my surgery, I got amazing gifts (including the hole for the head beach chair) to keep me entertained and comfortable.  Even months after the surgery, I am still getting nice texts and messages checking up on me.  I will never take my family for granted or the time I have with them.  Thank you for always being there for me and with me during my hardest days. 

4 – Surgery. 

 

In my opinion, my brain surgery defines my year.  I had brain surgery.  Me.  In my head.  A cow-heart.  In my head.  Big scar.  In my head.  So cool.  I can not believe it was just over ten months ago.  When I think back to the beginning of 2013, the pain, the agony, the frustration, and the fear I had, it makes me laugh.  Look at me now.  My abilities are endless.  I can eat dinner and not drop the fork.  I can keep water in my mouth.  I can brush my teeth without gagging.  I can hold a beer in my right hand and not drop it (usually).  I can walk through the mall without having to leave early.  I can shower without getting dizzy.  I can sleep through the night without waking up due to pain.  I can work an entire day of school and not have to come home to lay down.  I can live.  I really think I forgot what it felt like to be healthy.  I became so accustomed to my lifestyle of laying around, holding myself back, that I didn’t realize how much more I can really do at just 26 years old.  I thank my lucky stars daily for such a well-versed, understanding, and caring doctor.  I thank my lucky stars for a successful surgery with no complications.  I thank my lucky stars for my mom who had to bathe me and get me in and out of bed for about a month. I thank my lucky stars for the conversation starter I now have.   I thank my lucky stars for my pain-free, comfortable, and healthy life I am living now.  I thank God for giving me these lucky stars. 

3 – Happiness. 

 

The past few months I have been questioning my happiness.  Am I really happy?  Why do I feel sad and scared so often?  Am I putting on an act?  Can I really be this smiley when everything around me feels so broken?  I’ve found that the answer is yes.  I can be this happy.  I have so much in my life to be thankful for:  Parents who are always there for me.  Siblings, who despite their choices, do love me unconditionally.  Cousins who are my best friends.  Best friends who are like family.  A (nice) shelter, tons of food, plenty of clothing.  A job I love.  A God to guide me.  I have everything I could ever need.  Of course I can be happy.  Being happy doesn’t mean you don’t have dark days.  Being happy means trying to find the positive in all situations.  Being happy means seeing the good in all people.  Being happy means being patient with those who aren’t.  I’ve come to learn that everyone has their own “shit”, as I like to say.  Everyone is dealing with something.  Flashing a smile is all it takes sometimes.  There is a Sugarland song that says, “Happiness is something we create”.  I believe it.  There is “happy” in everyone.  You just need to find your own “happy”.  My happy is spending time with my family and friends, making people laugh, going to work, being on the beach, watching sports, driving with windows down and country music loud, and living a simple life.  If you do nothing else for yourself in the new year, I suggest you reflect and find your happy.  Everyone has it in them, and everyone deserves to feel it. 

2 – Faith. 

 

I have become more in tune with my faith this past year than any other.  When we were little, we always said our prayers at night before falling asleep with Mama or Daddy.  There was a routine to how we did it.  To this day, I use that routine prayer before I fall asleep, including “Keep me a good girl, happy girl, and healthy girl.”  God listens.  He has kept me good, has clearly kept me happy, and through many odds, a very healthy girl.  This past year, I have prayed morning, noon and night.  I have been selfish in my prayers and I have been giving in my prayers.  I believe He has guided me to see the light in all obstacles I have encountered this year.  I will honor Him in the upcoming year, by going to church more regularly.  I look forward to thanking God for all He has brought to me this year and the love He has shown me.  After making it through this very, very difficult year, I have become stronger in my faith and I couldn’t be happier about it.

1 – Hope. 

 

HOPE. HOPE.  HOPE.  I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I said hope this year.  I hope I don’t need surgery.   I hope my surgery goes well.  I hope I get a cute doctor.  I hope my recovery is shorter than expected.  I hope I can go back to work.  I hope I don’t get any more headaches.  I hope the ocean doesn’t hurt my head.  I hope I can be a dancing machine at all these weddings.  I hope I can go on my trip with no pain.  I hope I can shower again without tingles.  I hope I get a new job.  I hope my sister comes home soon.  I hope people will read my blog.  I hope the Phillies make big moves this offseason.  I hope Crosby doesn’t get another concussion.  I hope Succop makes this field goal so the Steelers can go to playoffs.  I hope my car doesn’t run out of gas.  I hope my sister has a safe trip to and from Boston.  I hope my brother doesn’t break his arm snowboarding or skateboarding again.  I hope my friends having babies have safe deliveries.  I hope my friends getting married are happy and beat the odds.  I hope no one judges my little baby hairs growing back.  I hope my strombolis come out good.  I hope….

 

I could go on forever.  Hope.  My hope has pulled me through.

 

But I hope (there I go again) you all realize that this year has been a constant roller coaster.  All of my days have been a roller coaster.  By keeping my hope and by vocalizing my hopes, I feel I have been able to get myself through. 

Sometimes I think to myself, what if I had a negative attitude?  What if I was saying, “I don’t want this surgery, I won’t get a cute doctor, I am going to be recovering forever, I won’t go back to work,  my sister will never get better, I am never going to get a job, the Phillies will never change their ways, my Stromboli will burn.” – Not what if.  I know if I had those negative thoughts in my head, that is exactly what would have happened. 

I believe my hope, my positivity, optimism, and happiness is exactly what got me successfully through the (what I hope to be) most difficult year of my life. 

I hope you all enjoyed reading my blog throughout 2013.  I hope to continue to write in 2014.  I hope you all know how happy I am to share my journey through my surgery and my recovery from Chiari Malformation.  I hope you all have a safe, happy, and healthy new year!  J

Minor Freak Out

Okay, this probably won't be a long post, but for my own sanity it is a quick outlet.  

I have been sick for the last few days with a common cold.  I really haven't complained much, but have laid low and didn't do anything but relax this weekend.  

However, late this afternoon, I was laying on my bed, watching my new obsession, Sons of Anarchy, when all the sudden I felt a severe shooting pain in my head.  Right near my incision, I suddenly felt something that I can best describe as a pinched nerve constantly pinching and pinching hard.  It took my breath away.  My anxiety sky-rocketed.  I was convinced this was it.   

Okay, I am getting dramatic, but I have to admit I really did start to panic.  I calmed myself down, paused my show, got up and ran to get an ice pack.  I ran into my mom and dad in the kitchen and let them know that if something should happen to me tonight, to tell the doctors that I did complain of pain near the incision.  This isn't something they haven't heard before.  Every time something feels out of wack in my head, I tell them, you know...just in case!  

Again, dramatic.  I know.  But, in my defense, IT IS MY BRAIN.  I know that it has been nearly nine months since my surgery.  I know Dr. Vez has cleared me.  I know I have felt great.  I know I have very few limitations anymore.  I know.  But, when something like this sudden and severe pain happens, I freak.  

It scares me that just about nine months ago, my head was open and doctors were poking around.  It scares me that just about nine months and a day ago, I had horrible symptoms that debilitated my daily living.  It scares me that most days my life is completely normal and pain-free.  It scares me that today, something felt different.  

I can't say it enough, I know I am overreacting.  My mom and dad have told me five times already tonight.  I just want to be sure that if something did happen to go wrong, they know, and now the blog world knows, that my head had an uncommon, fierce pain at the base of my skull to the left of my incision.  

The pain has subsided with ice and some Advil.  I am still having trouble steadying my breath, but I think that is more so my anxiety and mind getting me worked up.  Hopefully, it was just a pinched nerve or some kind of muscle pain.  Fingers crossed!

Enough with the theatrics.  

As for everything else in my life...I'm pretty content.  Thinking to where I was this time last year as the holidays quickly approach ... I am no where near the dark place I was.  I am so far on the bright side now.  I am healthy (minus today's episode), my sister is home and safe, my mom is cancer free, my whole family will be together for the holidays this year, I am living comfortably in the new house and really liking it! 

Things are going to change in the next few weeks.  One of my best friends who happens to be my co-teacher is going out on maternity leave.  Happy to have a new baby in my life, sad she's leaving me!  I will have many more days off of work due to Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks.  I know for normal people this would be a great change, but I LOVE my job.  I LOVE being busy and I LOVE having a schedule.  So almost two full weeks off with no real plans, bores me.  Also, this should be on the positive side, but I finally feel that I am in a place that I want to move out.  Making it a negative, is my anxiety in trying to figure out what makes sense for me.  Last, I am going to finish my SOA episodes on Netflix and have to watch in real time.  I HATE waiting a whole week in between episodes! 

So this wasn't my happiest of posts, but keeping my faith that this was a minor glitch in my otherwise perfect recovery.  Let me reiterate, I mean MINOR.  Now that I am done typing this, I am realizing, you all reading it are probably thinking... what a wimp! 

Oh well, this was the purpose of the blog all along.  I wanted to use it as an outlet to write my journey through having Chiari and the recovery after my decompression surgery.  Being that Chiari is never "cured", this is all part of my journey with Chiari and even though its been almost nine months, there are certain days I would still call this my recovery.  Here's hoping the next month of my journey and recovery are equally pain-free and simple as the last few have been, well you know...not including today.  

....not to be melodramatic, but maybe throw in some extra prayers for me tonight, just to be sure! ;) 

Sharing Happiness

My birthday is tomorrow.  For those of you that don't know me, this is my favorite day of the whole year.  

Fittingly, it just so happens, this weekend has been one of my favorites of THIS whole year. 

Short version of all the amazing things from this week: It is almost my 26th birthday, woah! My cousin passed her PRAXIS exam to allow her to become a licensed speech pathologist upon graduation.  Her sister got engaged to the man of her dreams and a guy that I absolutely LOVE to be around.  A cousin of mine who has been trying to have a baby for years and has had many miscarriages, is far enough along now to share the exciting news with the world!  My sister was invited to a wedding that the rest of my family is going to because the bride and groom are believing and seeing her success in recovery right now.  My best friend got married this weekend and it was one of the most fun nights of my life.  

As a quick side note, my parents were also at this wedding.  We have decided we know why I don't have a boyfriend.  I spent over an hour dancing with a four-year-old and two six-year-olds.  The six-year-olds were over my dance moves quickly, but I spent the next hour choreographing dances with the four-year-old.  Just to make it more extraordinary, this four-year-old was diagnosed with cancer and has been going through treatments.  It was so special to spend the night smiling, belly-laughing, and dancing with this little ray of sunshine.  She truly made my night more memorable than I could ever imagine and a night that I will never forget. 

Also today, my sister asked me to attend a meeting with her.  She told me it was a speaker meeting and that I would just have to sit and listen.  She explained that it would mean a lot to her for me to see what it is like for her each day.  Hesitantly, I went.  I couldn't be happier that I did! It was an eye-opening experience.  

As family of an addict, there are many people that can relate to what we have been through.  I know there are support groups for families of addicts, but in the past I haven't found them helpful.  

Today, however, being in a room full of addicts, I was able to open my eyes, put aside my resentment, and see, feel and listen to the raw emotions of those who suffer from the disease.  I felt as though, for the first time, I could begin to truly, deeply, understand how hard it is for someone who uses to find the strength to get themselves better. I will never be able to relate, but I can be empathetic.  There was a lot of laughter, compassion, and faith in the room. There was support, strength and a sense of comfort.  With another invite, I would go back in a heartbeat. 

My sister made a comment today that she wishes there was a "Normal People Anonomyous" meeting.  She said that as addicts, they all have a place to discuss common struggles, to work the steps, find their weaknesses and to rise above and become a better version of themselves.  She related that life happens to everyone, and for a person that isn't an addict to work the steps, would do the same thing.  It would give us, normal people, a chance to look into their deepest, darkest places and find happiness within.  She made a point.  If we all realized we were powerless over _____ (whatever the issue may be) and put our faith in a higher power, whatever He may be, wouldn't we all be much happier, successful and accepting?  I don't know.  Like I said, this weekend was one of the best of the year, and I think this meeting really was the topping (or is it icing) on the cake.  

I know I typed a lot of random things from my past week, most of which had nothing to do with me.   I know as a reader of "Amy Has a Headache", you are probably thinking "Great, but what does this have to do with Chiari?"  My answer ... everything.  Everything that has happened in the last four days, never would have been enjoyed or savored in the manner it would have pre-surgery.  This would have been a long, dreaded weekend with lots of headaches, fears of falling (especially in long dresses and heels!), and blurred memories.  I am so grateful for my surgery and for the ability to have been able to enjoy every last minute of this past weekend!  

Even though I have no plans, I feel this birthday is going to be one of the most blessed ones I have had in years.  My family is all together...happily.  I spent a very special night celebrating love with my best friends.  I couldn't ask for anything more. 

Thanks to all my peeps that contributed to such a lively weekend! 

Life is good :) 

Happy 7 months + some days!

I have been a slacker.  In terms of blogging, not life.  

Life is...Busy. Crazy. Upsetting. Overwhelming. Pain-Free. Funny. Good. 

Busy. I have been to seven of nine weddings between April-November.  I have been to nine bridal showers, two bachelorette parties (one in NASHVILLE!), to North Carolina, two rehearsal dinners, one baby shower, an engagement party, and as I said, seven weddings.  Wedding number eight is in two weeks and I am a bridesmaid.  This week I have a hair appointment, dress fitting, and need to fit in my nails at some point. 

Crazy. I feel like busy and crazy go hand in hand. I am beginning to feel crazy busy.  I started my new job.  I like it, but as with anything new it is taking a lot of learning and patience to become accustomed to a new district, new curriculum, new co-workers, new principals, etc.  I am loving the little ones and really that is what is most important!  I am tutoring two days a week.  I have so many new shows to watch as the networks have started their premieres.  Penguins hockey started this past week, the Pirates are in the playoffs and as always football on Sundays.  The fall is always crazy with all the festivals around our town.  It is also my birthday month.  I feel I am going crazy.  But, as I am typing, I am realizing it is all good crazy.  

Upsetting.  The next word on my list.  For as many great things that have happened in the last few months. there have been a couple things that have left me upset and disappointed.  Like I said, my sister is back home.  Things have been going well for the most part, however there have been a few instances when she has left me disappointed.  I know I will never fully understand the disease of addiction, but I would never wish it upon anyone or anyone's family.  Beyond my sister, I have just had a few let downs in the past few weeks and it has just left me a little more bummed out than I like to be.  And, to top it off, the Phillies stunk this season, the Steelers are 0-4, and Hunter Pence is still in San Fran. 

Overwhelming.  If you have read my blog before, you know I get overwhelmed  and unfortunately, overwhelmed easily.  I think of myself as very laid back, however when I feel like there is too much out of my control, naturally I feel overwhelmed.  As I said before, I started my new job.  It is overwhelming starting fresh.  The weddings have left me overwhelmed, feeling that I haven't had a single weekend to just hang around and really relax.  My sister is home and has been for a few months.  Although I love her being home, especially on her good days, it is overwhelming day to day.  I turn twenty-six this month, and I am overwhelmed by the idea of where I am in my life.  I am at a point, I feel ready to be settled.  Now having the surgery past me, I feel that it is time to figure out what I want, where I want to be, and how to do it all.  It's stressful, but I know it I am more physically and mentally ready to move forward than I have ever been before.  

Pain-Free.  Okay, on to more positive things.  I am pain-free! I have had very few headaches.  I have no tingling, no weakness, and I am falling a lot less! (still a little klumzy) It is funny, when I have headaches now I worry about saying it out loud.  I feel bad complaining about an everyday stress headache.  It is nothing like a Chiari headache, it is so minimal but it has been the only "pain" I have had recently.  Any time I move my head, or sneeze, or jump, I still find myself panicking that I feel a "slight headache" coming on.  I put "slight headache" in quotes because I feel like I say that a lot, even still.  There are days I feel how I used to feel when a Chiari headache was coming on, and I used to phrase those days as "slight headache" days.  But now, they don't become Chiari headaches.  They simply go away as I continue with my daily routines.  I truly, honestly, can not complain.  The surgery was still the best decision I have made to date.  I feel like this paragraph was one big rambling thought, but the point is that I feel great.  I feel healthy, and I feel free.  No more restrictions due to debilitating headaches and pain.  It is nice to feel like a normal twenty-five year old.  Hey Chiari, suck it!

Funny.  Life is funny.  I can't even begin to tell you how much I have laughed over the last few months.  My family, make me laugh.  My friends, make me laugh. My students, make me laugh.  My co-workers, make me laugh.  My TV shows, make me laugh.  I really have found humor in so many things lately and I just can't thank those around me for continuing to make me one of the happiest people I know.  Although I have had a rough day here and there, I continue to value the small things in life that create so many smiles.  Through everything I have been through the past two years...my mom's cancer, my grandmother's passing, my sister's addictions, my career continuously being unknown, and of course, my surgery, I am proud to say I have kept my smile and laughter.  

Life is good.  I have wonderful parents, hysterical siblings, crazy cousins, silly aunts and uncles, and amazing friends.  I have faith in God.  I have a career I love and look forward to going to work each day.  I live in a beautiful house filled with love, food and lots of TVs.  I have a shore house to escape to when I want to.  And as of this past week, I have a nice deck and I can sit on, sip my coffee, listen to music and blog...again, it is all about the little things in life.

Life gets a little busy, crazy, upsetting, and overwhelming, but that is life. Learning to accept those things and still find the funny and good in it all, that is what makes you live.  :)  

Happy 4 Months to Me!

Time flies.  I feel like I have said that phrase about a hundred times in the last few days.  I can't believe it's the end of June.  I can't believe summer school starts Monday.  I can't believe 4th of July is next week.  I can't believe I am 4 MONTHS POST-SURGERY TODAY!

Seriously, how did that happen?  I feel like yesterday I was sitting in the front-room of my old house watching Homeland for the first time, not eating, complaining of pain, and sleeping my days away.  Today, I'm finishing my last episode of Homeland, eating a ton, complaining I want to eat more and shouldn't, and sleeping...on the beach. 

Life is good.  Anyone that knows me, knows I say this ALL the time.  I believe it too.  My life is darn good.  I have parents who love me and support me unconditionally.  I have a brother who shares my sense of humor and who I can go to to discuss pretty much anything, even if I don't agree with his outlook or advice.  I have the best of friends that have been and will always be there for me.  I have friendly acquaintances that have proven to go out of their way for me, and I need to thank every one of them (again!).  I love going to work every day.  I have a shore house that I can spend relaxing, fun days in, creating many memories.  I drive an awesome car.  I have great natural curls and blonde hair.  I am one of the funniest people I know, and to top it all off...I had brain surgery, and had no complications.  Like I said, life is good. 

Now, now ... there are always things that could make life GREAT.  I would love to have job security, I would love to have my sister...feel more like a sister, I would love to not scratch my itchy incision four hundred times a day, I would love not to have to shower...ever, and I would love to be dating Hunter Pence.  I know some things are more likely to happen than others.  I will compromise on most, except the Hunter thing.  

So life is good, I feel good, and I am four months out!  To me, this is a huge milestone.  I live my life day-to-day better than I used to.  

My couch probably misses me, seeing that I am not there for all the hours after work and before bed.  I, instead am out running errands, being proactive with work, and spending all the money I don't have!  

My eyes are probably tired of being open.  They used to be closed with my fingers pressing down on them, literally 18 out of the 24 hours in a day.  I know can open them in the morning with no issues, keep them open all day (unless I'm sleepy) and easily close them before bed at night.  

My hands are probably relieved.  I used to slap them together consistently for hours on end trying to regain feeling in the right one.  Now, only in excitement do they clap together!  

My lips are probably thrilled to not have two daggers constantly biting down.  I used to use my teeth to eliminate the tingling.  Now, I occasionally have tingling in my lip, but I truly believe its my habit of biting down on it that causes the initial tingling.  My bad.  

My nose and wherever else a sneeze comes from is probably feeling more relaxed.  I am no longer holding in every cough and sneeze to prevent a headache from coming on.  Bring it, pollen! 

My gagging reflexes (and my own sanity) are now soothed.  I can now swallow my food and I can brush my teeth without feeling like I will get sick.  Food (in larger bites) tastes great again and my teeth are cleaner than ever!  

Lastly, my body as a whole is finally comfortable functioning freely.  I can and will go out when someone asks me to for lunch or dinner.  I can and will go shopping for hours.  I can and will go out on the weekend and have a drink.  I can and will go for long walks or bike rides.  I can and will go to work each day and stand up and smile for all the hours.  I can and will go away for a weekend without fear.  I can and will drive long distances without the panic.  I can and will live!

For years now, my life consisted of limited activities due to the constant fear, struggle and pain.  I am no longer living like an 90-year-old woman.  Now, finally, I am 25 years old.  I have to tell you, it's better than I could have imagined...and yikes, I don't want to get old!

I know I say it every post, but THANK YOU to all of my family, friends, peers, acquaintances  coworkers, and strangers who have supported me, cared for me and made me feel loved during this...this incredible journey.  :)  


Happy 4 Months to Me! 

Believe.

Here I am.  I can't believe it has been almost a whole month since I have blogged.  I guess it is a good thing, however I sat down today and thought about how much I miss doing it. 

How is it almost the middle of June already?  How am I a little over 15 weeks post op?  How does school only have 10 days left?  How do I not have a headache right now?

Okay, the last question is a slight lie.  I have a wee-baby headache right now.  I have had it all weekend.  Good news...it isn't a Chiari-like headache.  I don't think.  It is more of a tension-feeling headache over my eyes and seemingly in my sinuses.  At least that is what I am telling myself. 

More good news..I have been taking WAY less Tylenol in the last few weeks.  I have done the trade off from Tylenol to Advil, however there are days that I find Tylenol seems to help more.  I still find that I want/need to ice my head after school many days.  There is a lot of nerve pain still causing me discomfort from day to day and while I am sleeping.  My scalp is incredibly itchy on and around the incision.  Hair is also growing back all around the scar.  With these "issues", I need to stress that none of this pain is debilitating or affecting my daily living.  I am functioning.  Completely. 

I have been back to work for over a month now and have not missed a single day.  I prepared my students for their Portfolio Night, showing off all of their hard work from the year.  I have dealt with my sister being home on two different occasions, which as I have mentioned before many times, is always bittersweet.  I have gone to the shore and been on the beach for many hours.  I have read many books.  I have gone for bike rides, walks, and attempted runs.  (I say attempted runs because I find that the motion of running or jumping throws off my equilibrium some.  For those of you that don't know me, not running is no real surprise.  I am just happy to still have an excuse as to why I am not doing it all the time.)  I have driven to work each day, to the city once, and parallel parked.  I have helped my dad remove my old mattress and bring in a new mattress and together we took a grill off his truck.  I have gone out with friends and attempted my killer dance moves. (Again, I have to say attempted considering one of my go-to moves is the running man...a combination of running and jumping, which I explained earlier is still difficult for me.) 

I still don't like driving by myself, or really, crossing the street, due to the back and forth motion of my neck.  I still don't like looking up for more than a few seconds at a time.  I still don't like looking down for more than a few seconds at a time.  I still don't like sneezing.  I still don't like any sudden movement of my head or neck.  And, I still don't love showering, but again, that is no surprise since I hated that before my surgery also.

Although I continue to have some pain and an occasional "down" day, I could not be happier that I had my decompression surgery.  I can't even begin to express how blessed I feel that I had the most incredible doctors, family and friends to get me through this time.  I can't believe that, well...it's over. 

I remember sitting down to write my first blog post.  I was scared out of my mind.  I was staying optimistic, as I have continued to do throughout the entire journey, but I was...for lack of a better word, freaking out.  I know I had the occasional negative post, but I did what I could to practice what I was preaching and stay positive.  

I believed I had the best doctor around, I did.  I believed I wouldn't wake up during the surgery, I didn't.  I believed the nurses at the hospital would make me feel comfortable, they did.  I believed not a lot of my hair would be shaved, it wasn't.  I believed I would hate the catheter, I did.  I believed the hospital would have good food, it did.  I believed my parents would take care of me during my first few weeks of recovery, they did.  I believed I would have lots of visitors and support, I did (more than I could have ever believed).  I believed I would know when I was well enough to go back to school, I did.  I believed the surgery would relieve my headaches, it did.  I believed I would regain strength in my hands, I did.  I believed I would regain feeling in my lips, hands, arms, and legs, I did.  I believed everything would be okay, and it was.  

Without that optimism, I don't know if I would have had the most successful recovery that I could ever imagine.  Never in my happiest projection scenarios, did I imagine the entire journey would be this...perfect.

Advice to those out there that are going through this process, or any surgery for that matter...Believe.  Believe in your strength, your faith, your health, your family relationships, your friends, your prayers, your God.  Believe in yourself. 


 

Up and Kickin'

HI!  I know it has been so long since I have last blogged, but the lack of posts has been due to the excess fun I have been having. 

First of all, I AM BACK AT WORK!!!  Have I mentioned before how much I LOVE my job?  Because I do.  Everything about it. 

I love waking up in the morning and knowing I have a place to be.  Sometimes during my recovery I would have four cups of coffee just because I wasn't sure what else to do with my morning.  I am now back to my normal 2...and a half-ish cups.  It feels great.  I love getting dressed in something other than yoga pants each morning (although around 4 o'clock each day they do return).  I'm not usually a jeans fan, but after dropping a few pounds during the recovery, those jeans don't feel half bad!  I love putting jewlery on.  I love putting a little makeup on.  I love driving to school listening to the radio show I love. 

I think the best decision I made during this recovery was, in fact, going back to work when I did.  I am no longer thinking about the surgery during the day, or whether or not my head is tingling, or about the slight headache I have over my eyes.  I am now thinking about what the journal prompt will be, who I will read with that day, and what the heck I am going to do with 21 six and seven year olds for the last month of school!  My job is an outlet.  It is a time I get to spend with 21 of my favorite people, without any of my life "things" taking over my thoughts.  How lucky am I?  Who else can really say that about their job?  

I have also gone out twice in the past two weeks.  One night with my cousin and her friends and last night with my friends.  It is so nice to feel like myself again.  It is so nice to want to go out and socialize.  It is so nice to talk about things other than my stupid headache, or the fear that I will drop my bottle out of my right hand or that I will not be able to swallow my drink.  On the last two outings we talked about food, school, boys, and more food.  I am definitely back to normal.

As far as my pain, I still take Tylenol pretty frequently.  First thing when I wake up, around lunch time, late-afternoon, and right before bed.  I take it mostly for the pain around the incision.  It still feels tight and uncomfortable.  However, not enough to affect my day to day living.  I have been describing the tingling sensation as if someone was sharply hitting your head with their nails over and over again.  The pain is right around the scar and still lingers on the left side.  I still don't love showering (in fairness, I don't know if that will ever change) and I don't love doing my hair.  Brushing my hair has seemed to have gotten better, but the act of drying it and pulling it with a straightner or curling iron...so not my cup of tea.  But I do it.

I remember Dr. Vez telling me that as I develop more of a routine, the less pain I will feel.  He's right.  I think it is because of my routine and my distractions that now I don't feel the pain because I am not looking for it. 

I can't say enough how thankful I am for my doctor, my family,  my school, and mostly God who all helped me through this process, up to this point, smoothly. 

Even though I am feeling so much better, I am still not to the point I want to change my blog title to Amy HAD a Headache...not quite yet. 

I'm feeling very optimistic that it will happen though...!!! 

Gloomy Inspiration

It has been another busy week since I last blogged.  Last week, I was inspired to blog by the bright sunshine, my hot coffee, and Luke Bryan on the radio.  Today, however, my headache and rainy weather have, well...inspired me to update.

Before I go on, I need to remind you that I do have Seasonal Depression (self-diagnosed), but will do my best to be as upbeat as I have been these past ten days.

For starters, we are all moved in!  The new house is beautiful and is starting to feel more "homey".  I did a lot of lifting, a lot of moving, and a lot of organizing...more than I ever expected I would be able to do.  Admittedly, I needed Tylenol around the clock and sometimes an extra dose.  I continued to use my ice packs while relaxing.  Monday of last week, was complete chaos with movers in an out of the house, appliances being delivered, people stopping by, mom and dad opening box after box trying to decide where things go, cable guys coming in and out, security systems being installed, etc.  The house was so out of order and felt overwhelming.  We did as much as we could that night and slept comfortably that night.

Tuesday and Wednesday, my sister was home.  As I have mentioned many times before, my relationship with my sister has been on the rocks for the last few years.  What I have come to realize is, I didn't have a relationship with my sister.  I had a relationship with her horrible, nasty, ignorant addiction.  This past week, my sister came home.  Not the addiction.  It was the most pleasant surprise.  We went shopping, got coffee, she straightened my hair, went out to dinner, watched TV, and jammed out to music in my car.  (YES I DROVE!!!) It was wonderful.  I have a sister again.  She comes home again in a few weeks for a few days.  I can't believe the words are being typed right now, but I am looking forward to it.  I am not saying she is perfect, but I am hoping, with every part of my being, that things are only going to be looking up from here on out!

This past weekend I spent a night alone.  I babysat for my two cousins for a few hours and it went well.  I was very anxious doing this, but realized once I was there that I shouldn't have been.  They were very well behaved and it was a great distraction to my boring day.  Afterwards, I had friends over, but slept at home alone.  I am not good at being alone on a normal day.  I never have been.  I was slightly nervous, especially being in a new house, but I did well. 

Saturday I went out with high school friends for lunch and shopping for a wedding registry.  I talked the girls into letting me use the registry gun.  Seeing that one is getting married any day and the other will be engaged any day, I played the "We don't know if I will ever get the chance to do this" card.  It worked!  It was fun and again, felt so NORMAL.  I was feeling great.  It was beautiful out, I had a fancy drink at lunch, and I was spending time with friends. 

Saturday night I had planned to go out with my friend, but ended up feeling tired and had a slight headache over my eyes.  Instead, went to bed early and got a great night sleep.  Waking up Sunday, I was refreshed and spent another busy day unpacking the rest of my boxes, got my giraffes a spot on the shelf, visited with my cousin, and went shopping for house goods with mom and dad.  I took a total of three doses of Tylenol, including my dose before bed.  It was the least amount of medicine I have taken since the surgery in one day!  I went to bed last night feeling tired, but feeling proud. 

I kicked brain surgery's butt.  Here I am.  8 1/2 weeks post surgery, and ready to go back to work.  I feel good.  I feel great.  I feel so much better than I ever expected to this soon.  I have yet to have a Chiari headache.  The tingling in my fingers and feet have disappeared.  My Woody Arm, gone.  I haven't dropped much since, and rarely fall anymore.  I have an occasional tingle in my lip, but nothing that affects my daily living. 

I am tired.  But, I am also pretty bored.  Hence the reason, I can not wait to get back to work.  As I have said MANY times before, I work well with routine.  Knowing that as of Wednesday morning, I will be getting up each morning and seeing my kid's smiling faces, excites me.  I ran into one of my student's parents a few days back and they said to me, "Going back to work doesn't seem so bad when you love your job, does it?"  He couldn't be more right.  It is funny, when I left in February, I was so ready to be done and the idea of spending time at home relaxing felt like a dream.  I was worried about not wanting to come back after surgery.  Two months ago, I was in pain.  A lot of pain.  I didn't want to go to work because I was hurting, always.  Now, I am not hurting.  I want to work.  I want to work because I love my job, and you can only relax for so long before it feels like a dead-end job. 

Okay, all that greatness being said ... today I am hurting.  I do have a headache.  A different one than I have had during this recovery.  It is not focused over my eyes.  It is located in the back of my head.  Now, I have not had a Chiari headache since the surgery.  I don't want to believe that this headache is related to Chiari.  Maybe it is, but I am blaming the weather.  It is nasty.  Cold.  Rainy.  My Seasonal Depression is kicking in.  IT is the reason for this dreaded headache.  I won't let it discourage me.  Mom reminded me earlier that headaches are a real pain to Chiari-free people also.  I am doomed to have a headache once in awhile, that's just life!  So even though today is no fun, tomorrow is a new day and hopefully the sun will shine brighter for me. 

I know this was a pretty boring post and my humor isn't shining through.  My Seasonal Depression has apparently taken that from me today too.  But, I hope through the play-by-play of my week, that it was obvious that I am feeling better than I have felt in months.  I am back to an almost normal routine.  I am feeling excited and encouraged going back to school!  I still can't say thank you enough to all of the support and positive thoughts that were sent my way during this long journey.  I am one lucky girl and I am truly blessed. 

:)

What Would Carrie Bradshaw Do?

Here I am!  When I started this blog, I was inspired to write daily.  The past two weeks, my mom, cousins, and friends, have all asked me why I haven't blogged at all.  My answer, "My life is boring!  I have nothing to write about now!"  As a writer now ;), I find myself admiring Carrie Bradshaw when I watch Sex in the City.  She has to constantly find inspiration to write her columns, by going out with friends, meeting men, eating, etc.  

Now, I am still stuck at the shore (1 more day!) without friends, and we all know how I am with meeting guys, so, as I sit here, with a full cup of coffee, Luke Bryan Pandora playing and looking out at the bright sunshine, I decided THIS is my inspiration today.  I can definitely come up with somethings to tell you about the past two weeks. 

Let's start with my pain...or in all honesty, pretty much lack there of.  I am amazed at how much I am able to do just 7 weeks out of brain surgery.  I am able to sleep more hours in a night without waking up to take Tylenol.  I can shower myself and brush my hair.  I have been taking longer walks with mom and biked many times.  I carried a new rug into the new house yesterday (in my right hand).  I drove a short distance.  I even had a beer!

That being said, my incision itself is extremely itchy.  Around the incision is still very red and raw.  All of the glue (the dark brown gross stuff) has come off, leaving what now looks like a very clean scar.  It always makes me laugh when I show people and they tell me what it looks like.  I think it is ironic that it is on my body, yet I NEVER see it, unless I ask someone to take a picture for me. 

I do feel it.  Everyday, all day.  I get frustrated with myself when trying to find the words to describe the sensation that I feel from it.  It is very tight, has a lot of pressure around it, itchy, irritated, and tingly.  When I say that I feel it everyday, all day, I don't feel all of those sensations at once, but it is like they take turns coming throughout the day.  With Tylenol and an ice-pack, I am able to easily manage the pain. 

Enough so, that I plan to go back to work on May 1st!  I can't even begin to describe the excitement and happiness inside of me as it gets closer.  I went to my school's Art Show this week and ran into many of my students and their parents.  Each time I heard them say they missed me and every hug I felt, reminded me how easy of a transition back into the classroom this will be.  I love my job.  I love routine.  I love having things to look forward to.  I love surprises.  The students in my class, provide me with a routine daily, I look forward to their smiling faces (almost) every day, and they are six and seven, they EASILY surprise me all the time.  So, if all I need to do to get back to work is bring a little Tylenol and throw an ice-pack into the faculty room freezer just in case, consider it done.  I CAN'T WAIT.

As I mentioned above, we have one last day at the shore before we move into the new house!  For being 25, I have been to one too many settlements in the last month.  We did FINALLY settle on the new house on Thursday of this week.  My uncle's company laid floors (which look beautiful) on Friday.  The moving truck comes on Monday!  I am now very excited to get back to a routine at home and to see how everything comes together.  Yesterday, Mom, Dad and I did A LOT of shopping.  A LOT.  They were tired, you can only imagine how I felt.  We bought blinds, house numbers to put on the mailbox, rugs, and the dreaded lights and ceiling fans.  I say dreaded for one reason and one reason only.  To buy lights and ceiling fans, you need to look UP.  My head, neck, and brain, do not like the motion of looking UP yet.  This, I learned quickly yesterday.  We did finally pick everything out and found a mirror for my bedroom.  It was a tiring, yet successful day and really made me SO ready to move in officially. 

As if moving into a brand new house and still recovering from brain surgery isn't enough, this week is going to get a little more hectic.  My sister is coming home from Florida for 24 hours on Tuesday.  She has some things to take care of here.  I would be lying if I didn't say I fear this stay and am very anxious about it, as I am sure she is too.  One, we are in a brand new house.  Two, I personally haven't seen her in over six months.  Three, she and I both work a lot better with structure and routine and nothing about the next week with be routine or structured.  Four, it will be her first time back here since she started her recovery.  I am sure it will go okay and I am trying not to project, but a few extra prayers that it is a smooth trip for her and my family would be appreciated.

In light of the tragedies this week, I found it very difficult to handle my emotions.  I had a "sad" day on Tuesday.  I was feeling very overwhelmed, tired, and mentally exhausted.  I wasn't able to put into words what it was that was making me feel that way.  I am a dreamer.  Not like a Martin Luther King, Jr. dreamer, more like a "Why am I running from dinosaurs?" kind of dreamer.  Since 9/11 I have dreampt of terrorists more times than I can count.  This past week I, understandably, have dreampt of many different scenarios where many of my loved ones have passed away in attacks.  I don't feel that I fear these attacks while I am awake and living life day to day.  But, it seems that subconsciously, I do fear these things.  How can you not?  Look at this past week in history.  It is a scary world we live in. 

With that though, as Mr. Rogers said, look at all of the helpers in these situations.  It amazes me.  My mom and I have said about thirty times this week, "Thank goodness we have so many brave people that live in this country." 

I like to think of myself as a brave person.  I ride rollar coasters.  I love motorcycles.  I swim in the ocean.  I would be up to sky-diving one day.  Heck, I just had brain surgery. 

But, I can not imagine being a doctor, nurse, first responder, solider, police officer, a runner, or even a spectator in the last week. I don't know how the doctors and nurses carefully took care of countless patients throughout the week.  I don't know if I could have calmly been a first responder with the unknown.  I don't know how the officers opened trashcans, looked in bushes, and lastly, boats unsure of what could be hidden in them.   I don't know if I could have run to hospitals to give blood after just running 26 miles, and I KNOW I couldn't run 26 miles.  I don't know how the selfless spectators didn't all run for their own lives, and instead helped the wounded and harmed. 

Watching the coverage of the aftermath of the tragedy, makes me truly proud to live in a brave, prepared country like America.  I know people say that you never know how you will react in the face of danger.  I hope and pray that God would give me the strength that He gave all of those people in the last week. 

My dreams have subsided since Friday night, I could sleep more peacefully, thanks to support, help and selfless work by endless citizens.  I know I mentioned a dreamer like Martin Luther King, Jr. earlier.  What I wish is, that I was a more brave, dreamer and believer like he was.  This week, all of the responders to this tragedy were brave believers.  We are a country that stands for what we believe in.  This past week, we, as a country, believed in justice.  Thanks to those that fight for our country, we found it. 

Overall, this week, life was put into perspective for me.  For that, I am thankful.  God Bless America!

Picture Blog (Part 2)

I decided I better share some fun photos from my recovery. Ok, really, only some are fun. I warn you now... Look At Your Own Risk! (This warning goes mostly to my cousin.  She refuses to look even in real-life!)

 

Here is my incision 10 days post op!

 

 

 

Here I am in the ER - Week 2 

(Still didn't find my hot doctor, just saying)

 

 

 

Hard to believe, but this was the morning after my ER visit.

Those steroids did me well!

 

 

 

 

Before the move, this was the room that I liked to call "My Oasis".

Everything I needed, my giraffe blanket, two of the cutest cousins ever using my cool beach chair, a TV, my iPad, and snacks.  What more could I ask for?

 

 

I actually HATE this picture, but it was a good day for me and mom thinks it was the day that I started turning the corner!

 

 

 

 

Mama will kill me for putting up this picture, but I think it gives you a glimpse of what our days hold.  She is picking the glue off of my scar and doing everything she can to not hurt me.  I appreciate her trying, but I sure do HATE this part of my day!

 

 

 

 

Here you can see some of the glue picked off.  This was week 4 post op and also right before I went to the doctor.  He said it looked "perfect", but we had to keep picking at the glue.  UGH!

 

 

 

Believe it or not, I was up and functioning on Easter.  However, I think this picture shows that after a few hours I do still need to rest (almost always by laying my head on my white blanket!).  Not that you can tell, but my cousin did my hair, I had makeup on, and got fully dressed! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here I am attempting to help with the move.  I hated that tape.  It was like nails on a chalkboard.  I like to caption the top picture "Pretend smiles, pretend helping!"  It is hard to believe we have moved out completely!

 

 

 

 

Well I stole this one off of Instagram, but that is me and my friend Rach on the beach!  Is it summer yet??

 

 

 

 

I also went for a bike ride on Saturday morning with a wobbley tire and all!  I was proud of this accomplishment, because bikes are my main mode of transportation throughout the summer! 

 

 

 

 

Remember I mentioned the anxiety about sports?  Here is proof that I couldn't handle the pressure.  Check me out though, sitting up!

 

 

 

 

This was me yesterday, notice the ice pack (my favorite). 

All I can say about this recovery ... Thank goodness for technology!!!

 

 

 

 

And finally... the new, glueless scar!  I think this is actually more gross than the scar with the glue on it, but here it comes ....

 

 

 

 

 

 

On a positive note, look at all my hair growing back already.  That part is kind cool (and itchy). 

 

I can't wait until I can post pictures of me at the Phillies game, pictures of me on dates with all the athletes I am going to pick up with the pick-up lines I have been practicing, pictures of me in my classroom again, and pictures of me doing everything I love...HEADACHE FREE!

 

:)