Here I am! When I started this blog, I was inspired to write daily. The past two weeks, my mom, cousins, and friends, have all asked me why I haven't blogged at all. My answer, "My life is boring! I have nothing to write about now!" As a writer now ;), I find myself admiring Carrie Bradshaw when I watch Sex in the City. She has to constantly find inspiration to write her columns, by going out with friends, meeting men, eating, etc.
Now, I am still stuck at the shore (1 more day!) without friends, and we all know how I am with meeting guys, so, as I sit here, with a full cup of coffee, Luke Bryan Pandora playing and looking out at the bright sunshine, I decided THIS is my inspiration today. I can definitely come up with somethings to tell you about the past two weeks.
Let's start with my pain...or in all honesty, pretty much lack there of. I am amazed at how much I am able to do just 7 weeks out of brain surgery. I am able to sleep more hours in a night without waking up to take Tylenol. I can shower myself and brush my hair. I have been taking longer walks with mom and biked many times. I carried a new rug into the new house yesterday (in my right hand). I drove a short distance. I even had a beer!
That being said, my incision itself is extremely itchy. Around the incision is still very red and raw. All of the glue (the dark brown gross stuff) has come off, leaving what now looks like a very clean scar. It always makes me laugh when I show people and they tell me what it looks like. I think it is ironic that it is on my body, yet I NEVER see it, unless I ask someone to take a picture for me.
I do feel it. Everyday, all day. I get frustrated with myself when trying to find the words to describe the sensation that I feel from it. It is very tight, has a lot of pressure around it, itchy, irritated, and tingly. When I say that I feel it everyday, all day, I don't feel all of those sensations at once, but it is like they take turns coming throughout the day. With Tylenol and an ice-pack, I am able to easily manage the pain.
Enough so, that I plan to go back to work on May 1st! I can't even begin to describe the excitement and happiness inside of me as it gets closer. I went to my school's Art Show this week and ran into many of my students and their parents. Each time I heard them say they missed me and every hug I felt, reminded me how easy of a transition back into the classroom this will be. I love my job. I love routine. I love having things to look forward to. I love surprises. The students in my class, provide me with a routine daily, I look forward to their smiling faces (almost) every day, and they are six and seven, they EASILY surprise me all the time. So, if all I need to do to get back to work is bring a little Tylenol and throw an ice-pack into the faculty room freezer just in case, consider it done. I CAN'T WAIT.
As I mentioned above, we have one last day at the shore before we move into the new house! For being 25, I have been to one too many settlements in the last month. We did FINALLY settle on the new house on Thursday of this week. My uncle's company laid floors (which look beautiful) on Friday. The moving truck comes on Monday! I am now very excited to get back to a routine at home and to see how everything comes together. Yesterday, Mom, Dad and I did A LOT of shopping. A LOT. They were tired, you can only imagine how I felt. We bought blinds, house numbers to put on the mailbox, rugs, and the dreaded lights and ceiling fans. I say dreaded for one reason and one reason only. To buy lights and ceiling fans, you need to look UP. My head, neck, and brain, do not like the motion of looking UP yet. This, I learned quickly yesterday. We did finally pick everything out and found a mirror for my bedroom. It was a tiring, yet successful day and really made me SO ready to move in officially.
As if moving into a brand new house and still recovering from brain surgery isn't enough, this week is going to get a little more hectic. My sister is coming home from Florida for 24 hours on Tuesday. She has some things to take care of here. I would be lying if I didn't say I fear this stay and am very anxious about it, as I am sure she is too. One, we are in a brand new house. Two, I personally haven't seen her in over six months. Three, she and I both work a lot better with structure and routine and nothing about the next week with be routine or structured. Four, it will be her first time back here since she started her recovery. I am sure it will go okay and I am trying not to project, but a few extra prayers that it is a smooth trip for her and my family would be appreciated.
In light of the tragedies this week, I found it very difficult to handle my emotions. I had a "sad" day on Tuesday. I was feeling very overwhelmed, tired, and mentally exhausted. I wasn't able to put into words what it was that was making me feel that way. I am a dreamer. Not like a Martin Luther King, Jr. dreamer, more like a "Why am I running from dinosaurs?" kind of dreamer. Since 9/11 I have dreampt of terrorists more times than I can count. This past week I, understandably, have dreampt of many different scenarios where many of my loved ones have passed away in attacks. I don't feel that I fear these attacks while I am awake and living life day to day. But, it seems that subconsciously, I do fear these things. How can you not? Look at this past week in history. It is a scary world we live in.
With that though, as Mr. Rogers said, look at all of the helpers in these situations. It amazes me. My mom and I have said about thirty times this week, "Thank goodness we have so many brave people that live in this country."
I like to think of myself as a brave person. I ride rollar coasters. I love motorcycles. I swim in the ocean. I would be up to sky-diving one day. Heck, I just had brain surgery.
But, I can not imagine being a doctor, nurse, first responder, solider, police officer, a runner, or even a spectator in the last week. I don't know how the doctors and nurses carefully took care of countless patients throughout the week. I don't know if I could have calmly been a first responder with the unknown. I don't know how the officers opened trashcans, looked in bushes, and lastly, boats unsure of what could be hidden in them. I don't know if I could have run to hospitals to give blood after just running 26 miles, and I KNOW I couldn't run 26 miles. I don't know how the selfless spectators didn't all run for their own lives, and instead helped the wounded and harmed.
Watching the coverage of the aftermath of the tragedy, makes me truly proud to live in a brave, prepared country like America. I know people say that you never know how you will react in the face of danger. I hope and pray that God would give me the strength that He gave all of those people in the last week.
My dreams have subsided since Friday night, I could sleep more peacefully, thanks to support, help and selfless work by endless citizens. I know I mentioned a dreamer like Martin Luther King, Jr. earlier. What I wish is, that I was a more brave, dreamer and believer like he was. This week, all of the responders to this tragedy were brave believers. We are a country that stands for what we believe in. This past week, we, as a country, believed in justice. Thanks to those that fight for our country, we found it.
Overall, this week, life was put into perspective for me. For that, I am thankful. God Bless America!
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Picture Blog (Part 2)
I decided I better share some fun photos from my recovery. Ok, really, only some are fun. I warn you now... Look At Your Own Risk! (This warning goes mostly to my cousin. She refuses to look even in real-life!)
Here is my incision 10 days post op!
Here I am in the ER - Week 2
(Still didn't find my hot doctor, just saying)
Hard to believe, but this was the morning after my ER visit.
Those steroids did me well!
Before the move, this was the room that I liked to call "My Oasis".
Everything I needed, my giraffe blanket, two of the cutest cousins ever using my cool beach chair, a TV, my iPad, and snacks. What more could I ask for?
I actually HATE this picture, but it was a good day for me and mom thinks it was the day that I started turning the corner!
Mama will kill me for putting up this picture, but I think it gives you a glimpse of what our days hold. She is picking the glue off of my scar and doing everything she can to not hurt me. I appreciate her trying, but I sure do HATE this part of my day!
Here you can see some of the glue picked off. This was week 4 post op and also right before I went to the doctor. He said it looked "perfect", but we had to keep picking at the glue. UGH!
Believe it or not, I was up and functioning on Easter. However, I think this picture shows that after a few hours I do still need to rest (almost always by laying my head on my white blanket!). Not that you can tell, but my cousin did my hair, I had makeup on, and got fully dressed!
Here I am attempting to help with the move. I hated that tape. It was like nails on a chalkboard. I like to caption the top picture "Pretend smiles, pretend helping!" It is hard to believe we have moved out completely!
Well I stole this one off of Instagram, but that is me and my friend Rach on the beach! Is it summer yet??
I also went for a bike ride on Saturday morning with a wobbley tire and all! I was proud of this accomplishment, because bikes are my main mode of transportation throughout the summer!
Remember I mentioned the anxiety about sports? Here is proof that I couldn't handle the pressure. Check me out though, sitting up!
This was me yesterday, notice the ice pack (my favorite).
All I can say about this recovery ... Thank goodness for technology!!!
And finally... the new, glueless scar! I think this is actually more gross than the scar with the glue on it, but here it comes ....
On a positive note, look at all my hair growing back already. That part is kind cool (and itchy).
I can't wait until I can post pictures of me at the Phillies game, pictures of me on dates with all the athletes I am going to pick up with the pick-up lines I have been practicing, pictures of me in my classroom again, and pictures of me doing everything I love...HEADACHE FREE!
:)
Monday, April 8, 2013
Down the Shore, Everything's Alright?
Kinda.
Let me start with positives. We are all moved out of our house...with a lot of help and the strongest men on the earth, we left the empty house on Friday and came down to LBI for the next few weeks. I carried (probably one too many) bags into the shore house. After about three trips to the car, I needed to lay down. Saturday morning, I took a bike ride...on a bike with a wobbley tire, but did surprisingly well! I walked down to the beach, however the dune hill that I would have to walk down to get to the water, made me fearful. I was scared of the walk back up...mostly unsure if I would make it. Yesterday, I showered completely by myself! Today, we drove back up to Mt. Laurel for settlement on the old house, got manicures and pedicures and went out for lunch!
My biggest stride this week has been that I am completely off of my pain medicines (today I considered taking them, but decided to suck it up)! I am taking Tylenol around the clock and still continue with the ice packs as much as I can, but as I said, no more perscribed pain meds! Yay!
My anxiety was a bit high this week. Between the move, my sister, the pain in my neck, Penguins winning in a shootout against the Rangers, Kevin Frandsen's walk-off hit, and Louisville's fight to make it to the Final Four, my heart was beating in overdrive.
As for the sports references, all I can say is "Phew!"
As for the move, I'm fine. I am sad and feel somewhat homeless. I know I am down the shore and should be enjoying it, but when it is still pretty chilly and none of my friends are here, it is tough to fully enjoy it. I am doing my best, we will leave it at that.
As for my sister, my parents and I talked to her yesterday and she seems in good spirits and to be doing well. It is all we can ask for at this point.
And finally, the pain in my neck. I keep describing my "new" pain as little shooting pains from the side of my head directly to my incision. It doesn't last long but has come often in the past two days. Also, the water pressure in the shower down here...OUCH! I also am having a lot of neck pain this week, but I am accounting that to the fact that I was carrying WAY more than I probably should have during the move. Oops...
I don't really consider the anxiety points as negatives, they are just the key points on my mind right now. Tough life, right? ;)
I have to admit, Bruce had it right. Down the shore, everything is alright...Except I think I would rewrite it and say, "Down the shore, everything is alright, but quiet in April and I hate to admit it, but can't wait for the hustle and bustle of the summer!" Catchy, right? I know many would disagree, but hey, to each their own!
So, in conclusion .... 46 DAYS UNTIL MEMORIAL DAY BABY!
Let me start with positives. We are all moved out of our house...with a lot of help and the strongest men on the earth, we left the empty house on Friday and came down to LBI for the next few weeks. I carried (probably one too many) bags into the shore house. After about three trips to the car, I needed to lay down. Saturday morning, I took a bike ride...on a bike with a wobbley tire, but did surprisingly well! I walked down to the beach, however the dune hill that I would have to walk down to get to the water, made me fearful. I was scared of the walk back up...mostly unsure if I would make it. Yesterday, I showered completely by myself! Today, we drove back up to Mt. Laurel for settlement on the old house, got manicures and pedicures and went out for lunch!
My biggest stride this week has been that I am completely off of my pain medicines (today I considered taking them, but decided to suck it up)! I am taking Tylenol around the clock and still continue with the ice packs as much as I can, but as I said, no more perscribed pain meds! Yay!
My anxiety was a bit high this week. Between the move, my sister, the pain in my neck, Penguins winning in a shootout against the Rangers, Kevin Frandsen's walk-off hit, and Louisville's fight to make it to the Final Four, my heart was beating in overdrive.
As for the sports references, all I can say is "Phew!"
As for the move, I'm fine. I am sad and feel somewhat homeless. I know I am down the shore and should be enjoying it, but when it is still pretty chilly and none of my friends are here, it is tough to fully enjoy it. I am doing my best, we will leave it at that.
As for my sister, my parents and I talked to her yesterday and she seems in good spirits and to be doing well. It is all we can ask for at this point.
And finally, the pain in my neck. I keep describing my "new" pain as little shooting pains from the side of my head directly to my incision. It doesn't last long but has come often in the past two days. Also, the water pressure in the shower down here...OUCH! I also am having a lot of neck pain this week, but I am accounting that to the fact that I was carrying WAY more than I probably should have during the move. Oops...
I don't really consider the anxiety points as negatives, they are just the key points on my mind right now. Tough life, right? ;)
I have to admit, Bruce had it right. Down the shore, everything is alright...Except I think I would rewrite it and say, "Down the shore, everything is alright, but quiet in April and I hate to admit it, but can't wait for the hustle and bustle of the summer!" Catchy, right? I know many would disagree, but hey, to each their own!
So, in conclusion .... 46 DAYS UNTIL MEMORIAL DAY BABY!
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Living in Organized Chaos
I've been thinking a lot today about this quote:
"Everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end."
I remember first reading this quote in my cousin Tori's quote book, which she started way before our teenage years, and she still continues to add to it today. When I read it, I was in young love and remember thinking "Oh my gosh, it's not okay that he didn't call. We are so in a fight." That night, he would call, it was all okay, and it was the end of that fight.
Now, at 25, this quote means so much more. It is funny how life perspective changes like that.
I think I may have seen the quote on someone's Facebook status or read it on someone's filtered Instagram photo. Just typing those social media site's names seems so juvenile, but the past four weeks of constantly checking both, makes me realize they're not juvenile at all. Before the surgery, those sites allowed friends and family to contact me with support. Post surgery, it allowed me to share my journey and hear from new friends, and now, today, that post on a social media site is what got me reflecting on so many different things in my life. So many things in my life, beyond the surgery.
Before this week, I would say my recovery was the only thing on my mind. I was in a lot of pain. I didn't feel good. I couldn't spend much time away from the couch. I always wanted an ice pack. When can I take my next dose of medicine? Should I call the doctor about the tenderness around the incision? The recovery was my number one priority despite everything else that was "out of the norm" in my and my family's lives. Yeah, we were moving. Yeah, my sister is not doing so well in her own recovery in Florida. Yeah, my brother is still wearing a cast four months after the initial break. Yeah, my dad's aunt passed. Yeah, I have six weddings to save up for this summer. But, before this week, not much of that was phasing me. This week, different story.
I am sore. I still hate showering because I know it means I need to scrub the glue. I still don't feel comfortable driving, but I did go around the block yesterday. But, I seem to have put all of that on the back burner.
I tried to help pack my room, and tried to help pack my sister's room. I pushed it past my limit and had to lay down the rest of the afternoon. I am very frustrated by my sister's actions and how she continues to have little to no concern for my parent's feelings or wishes for her. I feel horrible for my brother who would love to make a career out of golf, and yet hasn't been able to get on the course in over four months due to his fracture. My dad wasn't able to go to his aunt's funeral in Pittsburgh and see all his cousins because there was too much going on at home this week. I am not working, but want to make sure I am budgeting my money so I can happily attend all these weddings this summer.
My point being, and back to my reflection on the quote: my surgery has been one of my biggest fears up to this point in my life. The surgery went okay, it is over. Now the recovery. It isn't necessarily over, but I feel like it is okay, so I know I am nearing the end. Everything else in my life ... I don't feel like I am quite there.
Tonight I am feeling anxious. I am feeling sad. And, I am feeling overwhelmed. Anxious about the move. Anxious about my sister. Sad about the move. Sad about my sister. Overwhelmed about the move. Overwhelmed about my sister. Overwhelmed about what the next few months will look like for us all.
My mom has always told me one of my (few! Just kidding!) flaws is that I overly project what "could" happen. I posted something awhile ago about changing my "What If" questions pre-surgery to postives.
Now, I can pretend right now that I am thinking: "What if the move goes great?" "What if I treat my two weeks down the shore like a vacation?" "What if I love the new house more than I expect to?" "What if my sister is making the right choices?" "What if my sister is safe?" "What if someday my sister will be my friend again?"
"What if in the end, everything will be okay?"
However, tonight ... honestly ... I am not feeling overwhelmed with optimism. I am having a heck of a time organizing the chaos in my heart and having my brain translate it all to words. Our house, is a mess. My sister, is a mess. My mind, is a mess.
I feel bad that I am not able to be more of a help to my parents during this move. I can see them both working endlessly and tirelessly to get the house ready for the movers by Friday. I feel bad that I am not able to help my sister, but more so feel bad I am not able to better support my parents during her selfish craziness. They have been here for me relentlessly during my whole brain surgery process, and yet I feel like I am not doing enough for them. I am the first to admit, I am not the first to jump to help when my mom is folding laundry or dad is emptying the dishwasher, my cousin Allie got those genes. But, I wish there was something more I could do or say to let them both know how appreciative and supportive I am of what they have and continue to do. Actually, as I am typing this, I am crying. They are both ready to go out to dinner and waiting for me to pull myself together so we can leave. Uh oh, does this make me selfish? Am I, at this moment, contradicting everything I am preaching in this post? I just wish there was something I could do to make this hectic, stressful and sometimes troubling time of our lives "okay".
Alright, I am all cried out and really starving (see, I really am feeling more like myself!) The bright side to this post is, I am feeling well enough to not be dwelling on how I feel physically (except for the starving comment)! Here's to a happier tomorrow.
"Everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end."
I remember first reading this quote in my cousin Tori's quote book, which she started way before our teenage years, and she still continues to add to it today. When I read it, I was in young love and remember thinking "Oh my gosh, it's not okay that he didn't call. We are so in a fight." That night, he would call, it was all okay, and it was the end of that fight.
Now, at 25, this quote means so much more. It is funny how life perspective changes like that.
I think I may have seen the quote on someone's Facebook status or read it on someone's filtered Instagram photo. Just typing those social media site's names seems so juvenile, but the past four weeks of constantly checking both, makes me realize they're not juvenile at all. Before the surgery, those sites allowed friends and family to contact me with support. Post surgery, it allowed me to share my journey and hear from new friends, and now, today, that post on a social media site is what got me reflecting on so many different things in my life. So many things in my life, beyond the surgery.
Before this week, I would say my recovery was the only thing on my mind. I was in a lot of pain. I didn't feel good. I couldn't spend much time away from the couch. I always wanted an ice pack. When can I take my next dose of medicine? Should I call the doctor about the tenderness around the incision? The recovery was my number one priority despite everything else that was "out of the norm" in my and my family's lives. Yeah, we were moving. Yeah, my sister is not doing so well in her own recovery in Florida. Yeah, my brother is still wearing a cast four months after the initial break. Yeah, my dad's aunt passed. Yeah, I have six weddings to save up for this summer. But, before this week, not much of that was phasing me. This week, different story.
I am sore. I still hate showering because I know it means I need to scrub the glue. I still don't feel comfortable driving, but I did go around the block yesterday. But, I seem to have put all of that on the back burner.
I tried to help pack my room, and tried to help pack my sister's room. I pushed it past my limit and had to lay down the rest of the afternoon. I am very frustrated by my sister's actions and how she continues to have little to no concern for my parent's feelings or wishes for her. I feel horrible for my brother who would love to make a career out of golf, and yet hasn't been able to get on the course in over four months due to his fracture. My dad wasn't able to go to his aunt's funeral in Pittsburgh and see all his cousins because there was too much going on at home this week. I am not working, but want to make sure I am budgeting my money so I can happily attend all these weddings this summer.
My point being, and back to my reflection on the quote: my surgery has been one of my biggest fears up to this point in my life. The surgery went okay, it is over. Now the recovery. It isn't necessarily over, but I feel like it is okay, so I know I am nearing the end. Everything else in my life ... I don't feel like I am quite there.
Tonight I am feeling anxious. I am feeling sad. And, I am feeling overwhelmed. Anxious about the move. Anxious about my sister. Sad about the move. Sad about my sister. Overwhelmed about the move. Overwhelmed about my sister. Overwhelmed about what the next few months will look like for us all.
My mom has always told me one of my (few! Just kidding!) flaws is that I overly project what "could" happen. I posted something awhile ago about changing my "What If" questions pre-surgery to postives.
Now, I can pretend right now that I am thinking: "What if the move goes great?" "What if I treat my two weeks down the shore like a vacation?" "What if I love the new house more than I expect to?" "What if my sister is making the right choices?" "What if my sister is safe?" "What if someday my sister will be my friend again?"
"What if in the end, everything will be okay?"
However, tonight ... honestly ... I am not feeling overwhelmed with optimism. I am having a heck of a time organizing the chaos in my heart and having my brain translate it all to words. Our house, is a mess. My sister, is a mess. My mind, is a mess.
I feel bad that I am not able to be more of a help to my parents during this move. I can see them both working endlessly and tirelessly to get the house ready for the movers by Friday. I feel bad that I am not able to help my sister, but more so feel bad I am not able to better support my parents during her selfish craziness. They have been here for me relentlessly during my whole brain surgery process, and yet I feel like I am not doing enough for them. I am the first to admit, I am not the first to jump to help when my mom is folding laundry or dad is emptying the dishwasher, my cousin Allie got those genes. But, I wish there was something more I could do or say to let them both know how appreciative and supportive I am of what they have and continue to do. Actually, as I am typing this, I am crying. They are both ready to go out to dinner and waiting for me to pull myself together so we can leave. Uh oh, does this make me selfish? Am I, at this moment, contradicting everything I am preaching in this post? I just wish there was something I could do to make this hectic, stressful and sometimes troubling time of our lives "okay".
Alright, I am all cried out and really starving (see, I really am feeling more like myself!) The bright side to this post is, I am feeling well enough to not be dwelling on how I feel physically (except for the starving comment)! Here's to a happier tomorrow.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Happy Spring!
Well, well, well. Yesterday, and yesterday alone, FELT LIKE SPRING! I know I have mentioned my seasonal depression before, but nice, warm, spring weather makes me a HAPPY girl. However, today is freezing...I'm back to being just a happy girl. ;)
I hope everyone had a nice Easter! I hit a milestone on Easter. My cousin Allie came over and she DID MY HAIR!!! It was the first time it has been done since the surgery. Again, many of you don't know me well, but I LOVE hair. I am a teacher who will always wish I was a hairdresser. When I was younger I used to say, "When I grow up, I will be a hair stylist for famous people!" I still kind of wish that was true. That being said, I hate that I can't do my hair each day. I have become very creative with stylish hair do's, but I miss my normal wavy hair or straight hair. I could probably dry my hair just fine, however I still have so much numbness around my incision that I would probably burn it with the curling iron. It scares me. So, I recruit family members and friends that also enjoy doing hair. Thanks Pal!
On top of looking good on Easter (makeup, hair, dress, and all...), we had a delicious meal with my wonderful family. As we get older, it saddens me how our traditions have changed. I have many, MANY cousins. This year for Easter, some of our cousins were with their spouse's family, couldn't make the trip up, or just were not in a place that they could join us. I missed all of them deeply. I was very thankful for the family that was there to join and for the nice, quiet, blessed holiday we were able to have. I was also very thankful that I was feeling well enough to go to my aunt's and enjoy that time.
I went shopping with a friend yesterday. It was my first journey out of the house without my mom. It was quick, but it was a lot of fun to feel "normal" and get out to do something I like to do.
I have been able to take a walk each day. Yesterday, being that it was so nice out, I took my longest walk yet. I keep telling my mom that my legs feel like jelly this week. I think after spending so much time on the couch in the last month, getting up and moving as much as I have over the last five days has made my body feel like it ran a marathon. As bikini season quickly approaches, I have motivation to continue these walks.
As I am writing this blog post, I am really boring myself. I apologize. I actually came on here this morning thinking I was going to "vent" about my sister and how much addiction scares me, about the move, or about my fear of driving again. But, I also wanted to give a quick update... and now I don't know if I am ready to vent because I feel like my mind is all over the place this morning.
I was going to just delete it and come back later, but I know my mom would ask what the heck I have been doing on the computer all morning. So instead, I will leave this boring post up, and I will come back later when my brain feels less cluttered. SORRY!
I hope everyone had a nice Easter! I hit a milestone on Easter. My cousin Allie came over and she DID MY HAIR!!! It was the first time it has been done since the surgery. Again, many of you don't know me well, but I LOVE hair. I am a teacher who will always wish I was a hairdresser. When I was younger I used to say, "When I grow up, I will be a hair stylist for famous people!" I still kind of wish that was true. That being said, I hate that I can't do my hair each day. I have become very creative with stylish hair do's, but I miss my normal wavy hair or straight hair. I could probably dry my hair just fine, however I still have so much numbness around my incision that I would probably burn it with the curling iron. It scares me. So, I recruit family members and friends that also enjoy doing hair. Thanks Pal!
On top of looking good on Easter (makeup, hair, dress, and all...), we had a delicious meal with my wonderful family. As we get older, it saddens me how our traditions have changed. I have many, MANY cousins. This year for Easter, some of our cousins were with their spouse's family, couldn't make the trip up, or just were not in a place that they could join us. I missed all of them deeply. I was very thankful for the family that was there to join and for the nice, quiet, blessed holiday we were able to have. I was also very thankful that I was feeling well enough to go to my aunt's and enjoy that time.
I went shopping with a friend yesterday. It was my first journey out of the house without my mom. It was quick, but it was a lot of fun to feel "normal" and get out to do something I like to do.
I have been able to take a walk each day. Yesterday, being that it was so nice out, I took my longest walk yet. I keep telling my mom that my legs feel like jelly this week. I think after spending so much time on the couch in the last month, getting up and moving as much as I have over the last five days has made my body feel like it ran a marathon. As bikini season quickly approaches, I have motivation to continue these walks.
As I am writing this blog post, I am really boring myself. I apologize. I actually came on here this morning thinking I was going to "vent" about my sister and how much addiction scares me, about the move, or about my fear of driving again. But, I also wanted to give a quick update... and now I don't know if I am ready to vent because I feel like my mind is all over the place this morning.
I was going to just delete it and come back later, but I know my mom would ask what the heck I have been doing on the computer all morning. So instead, I will leave this boring post up, and I will come back later when my brain feels less cluttered. SORRY!
Friday, March 29, 2013
Doctor Update-and some other things
I want to start by saying...I LOVE my doctor. He talks to me like I am the farthest thing from a doctor, which I am. He listens and encourages questions. He is awesome.
First of all, my appointment was at 10am in Philly. I was back in the car by 10:24. I didn't feel rushed at all and felt like I got everything that I wanted out of the appointment.
Dr. Vez first looked at my incision. He said it looked good, but he told us that I need to scrub it to get all of the glue off of the scar. The glue varies in color from grey, to red, to brown. It is gross. He started to pick at it and I know I was flinching. I HATE when my scar is touched. I describe the feeling as numb, except I do feel a pain each time their is pressure against it. That being said, the idea that my mom needs to continue to scrub the glue off, freaks me out. I've mentioned in previous posts that I cringe everytime she cleans it, now she isn't just cleaning, she's cleaning with a mission. As if I didn't hate showering already, now I am required to scrub while showering. That is a double whammy in my book. My stomach is literally turning while I sit here thinking about it. The alternative to not scrubbing the scar clean, is an infection. This was Dr. Vez's main concern during my appointment. Everything else, he was very non-chalant about (in a good way).
After he stopped picking at my scar he answered Mom and Dad's main question...What exactly happened during the surgery? He told us in simple words that he cut through the neck muscles, shaved a piece of my skull and removed my C1, cut through the dura, cauterized my cerebral tonsils, patched up the hole up with bovine (cow) heart, and stitched me back up. Ew. I have a cow heart in my skull now. He said many surgeons use a synthetic patch instead, but he found that they leak which obviously causes many complications. I am thinking that this will be my fun fact that I use any time I need an ice breaker. Hi, I am Amy Burns and I have a cow heart that covers a hole in my skull caused by brain surgery. Who wouldn't want to be my friend?
Then, I got to ask my questions. HOW MUCH LONGER WILL THESE HEADACHES AND NERVE PAIN CONTINUE? His answer ... "Eh, it varies." However, he did persuade me to believe that it is expected and that it will relieve itself as I get further into the recovery. He explained that I should ease into my normal routine, but reminded me that if I don't take it slow, I will slow down the overall process. To sum it up, he told me the recovery is now on my terms.
Since about two weeks after the surgery, I had two little "fishing lines" hanging from the bottom of my incision. Everyone had a speculation about what they may be. Stitches from the muscles, that would eventually be pulled. The end of the stitches, which became loose. Annoying, unneeded strings that got caught in pillow cases, blankets, ice packs, jackets, shirts, etc. Guess which speculation was mine!? When I mentioned these to the doctor he told me they will fall off eventually, that they are related to the glue. I guess I looked at him with my best "feel sorry for me" face and asked if it was possible to snip them. He answered with "Of course!" and got up to do so.
Just a funny side note - Dr. Vez is considering opening an office in Philadelphia, so my appointment was in a room he is renting from an orthopedic office. Needless to say, he is not very familiar with these rooms and had trouble finding something to clip the strings with. It was funny to see a doctor going through cabinets to find things...
Anyway, my irritating "fishing line" strings are gone! My cerebral tonsils are shrunk! My doctor thinks I am on my way to a successful recovery!
Other good things about the past few days:
1) I went to visit my kiddos at school yesterday. It was so exciting to see them! They seemed so happy to see me too, consistantly asking me if I was back, when I would be back, and how many more days until I am back. It made me feel so special. I should probably bite my tongue, but I really can't wait to get back. :)
2) I went to my 1 year-old cousin's birthday party today after the doctors. I got my fix of little kids and enjoyed spending time with family.
3) The Phillies are back in town!!!
4) The Penguins have won 14 games in a row and have signed two captains from other teams this week. Big things!
5) I continue to receive cards on a daily basis. I have seriously only had ONE day when I did not get at least one card. I LOVE mail!!!
Overall, it was a pretty good week.
All that good stuff being said, I have had some serious pressure headaches behind my eyes the past three days. Enough so that I was up much of the night last night. Dr. Vez says it is because I am up and doing much more than I have since the brain has had all this room. I hope it gets used to it soon because I really have been in (a new kind of) pain the past few days. My nerve pain has also changed location. It was on the top left side of my head, and now it has begun to shift towards the incison and lower, towards my neck. Now I am going to just have to get used to new comfortable laying, sitting, and car ride positions. I also have had a slight tingling sensation on the left side of my face today. Hopefully that is not here to stay.
We move in 6 days and I am getting very anxious. We cleaned my room on Thursday and went through a lot of things. There are many memories in this house. It is all I know. With things being so tough with my sister over the last three years, I know it is time for a new start. However, I wish she was here, ready to make a new start with us. I miss her. A lot. Every day that goes by I feel more of a distance between us, and now with this move, I do feel like I'm getting even further from her. Please keep her in your prayers also.
I am still surprised daily by friends who reach out to me or surprise visit me. I know I say it a lot (probably too much) but I can't thank those of you who have been here for me throughout this experience enough. There are no words. I know I still have a good amount of time left for recovery, but I can't imagine getting through what I hope was the hardest part, without all your kind words, cards, presents, visits, and most importantly, prayers.
This week has had its list of ups and downs...actually as I am thinking more about it, this year has had its list of ups and downs. I read something Mommom told my mom this week. Let go, Let God. Between my mom's breast cancer, my sister's drug addiction, my grandmother's death, my friend and cousins unexpected deaths, the unknown with my job year to year, the move, and most recently my brain surgery and recovery, I have become a prayer addict. Without my faith and strength, my positivity could have been lost in the whirlwind of a year that my family and I have survived. I believe it is because of Him that I am here today, still with a smile on my face and still with hope that everything will fall into place eventually. :)
"In the center of a hurricane there is absolute peace and quiet. There is no safer place than in the center of the will of God" - Corrie ten Boom
First of all, my appointment was at 10am in Philly. I was back in the car by 10:24. I didn't feel rushed at all and felt like I got everything that I wanted out of the appointment.
Dr. Vez first looked at my incision. He said it looked good, but he told us that I need to scrub it to get all of the glue off of the scar. The glue varies in color from grey, to red, to brown. It is gross. He started to pick at it and I know I was flinching. I HATE when my scar is touched. I describe the feeling as numb, except I do feel a pain each time their is pressure against it. That being said, the idea that my mom needs to continue to scrub the glue off, freaks me out. I've mentioned in previous posts that I cringe everytime she cleans it, now she isn't just cleaning, she's cleaning with a mission. As if I didn't hate showering already, now I am required to scrub while showering. That is a double whammy in my book. My stomach is literally turning while I sit here thinking about it. The alternative to not scrubbing the scar clean, is an infection. This was Dr. Vez's main concern during my appointment. Everything else, he was very non-chalant about (in a good way).
After he stopped picking at my scar he answered Mom and Dad's main question...What exactly happened during the surgery? He told us in simple words that he cut through the neck muscles, shaved a piece of my skull and removed my C1, cut through the dura, cauterized my cerebral tonsils, patched up the hole up with bovine (cow) heart, and stitched me back up. Ew. I have a cow heart in my skull now. He said many surgeons use a synthetic patch instead, but he found that they leak which obviously causes many complications. I am thinking that this will be my fun fact that I use any time I need an ice breaker. Hi, I am Amy Burns and I have a cow heart that covers a hole in my skull caused by brain surgery. Who wouldn't want to be my friend?
Then, I got to ask my questions. HOW MUCH LONGER WILL THESE HEADACHES AND NERVE PAIN CONTINUE? His answer ... "Eh, it varies." However, he did persuade me to believe that it is expected and that it will relieve itself as I get further into the recovery. He explained that I should ease into my normal routine, but reminded me that if I don't take it slow, I will slow down the overall process. To sum it up, he told me the recovery is now on my terms.
Since about two weeks after the surgery, I had two little "fishing lines" hanging from the bottom of my incision. Everyone had a speculation about what they may be. Stitches from the muscles, that would eventually be pulled. The end of the stitches, which became loose. Annoying, unneeded strings that got caught in pillow cases, blankets, ice packs, jackets, shirts, etc. Guess which speculation was mine!? When I mentioned these to the doctor he told me they will fall off eventually, that they are related to the glue. I guess I looked at him with my best "feel sorry for me" face and asked if it was possible to snip them. He answered with "Of course!" and got up to do so.
Just a funny side note - Dr. Vez is considering opening an office in Philadelphia, so my appointment was in a room he is renting from an orthopedic office. Needless to say, he is not very familiar with these rooms and had trouble finding something to clip the strings with. It was funny to see a doctor going through cabinets to find things...
Anyway, my irritating "fishing line" strings are gone! My cerebral tonsils are shrunk! My doctor thinks I am on my way to a successful recovery!
Other good things about the past few days:
1) I went to visit my kiddos at school yesterday. It was so exciting to see them! They seemed so happy to see me too, consistantly asking me if I was back, when I would be back, and how many more days until I am back. It made me feel so special. I should probably bite my tongue, but I really can't wait to get back. :)
2) I went to my 1 year-old cousin's birthday party today after the doctors. I got my fix of little kids and enjoyed spending time with family.
3) The Phillies are back in town!!!
4) The Penguins have won 14 games in a row and have signed two captains from other teams this week. Big things!
5) I continue to receive cards on a daily basis. I have seriously only had ONE day when I did not get at least one card. I LOVE mail!!!
Overall, it was a pretty good week.
All that good stuff being said, I have had some serious pressure headaches behind my eyes the past three days. Enough so that I was up much of the night last night. Dr. Vez says it is because I am up and doing much more than I have since the brain has had all this room. I hope it gets used to it soon because I really have been in (a new kind of) pain the past few days. My nerve pain has also changed location. It was on the top left side of my head, and now it has begun to shift towards the incison and lower, towards my neck. Now I am going to just have to get used to new comfortable laying, sitting, and car ride positions. I also have had a slight tingling sensation on the left side of my face today. Hopefully that is not here to stay.
We move in 6 days and I am getting very anxious. We cleaned my room on Thursday and went through a lot of things. There are many memories in this house. It is all I know. With things being so tough with my sister over the last three years, I know it is time for a new start. However, I wish she was here, ready to make a new start with us. I miss her. A lot. Every day that goes by I feel more of a distance between us, and now with this move, I do feel like I'm getting even further from her. Please keep her in your prayers also.
I am still surprised daily by friends who reach out to me or surprise visit me. I know I say it a lot (probably too much) but I can't thank those of you who have been here for me throughout this experience enough. There are no words. I know I still have a good amount of time left for recovery, but I can't imagine getting through what I hope was the hardest part, without all your kind words, cards, presents, visits, and most importantly, prayers.
This week has had its list of ups and downs...actually as I am thinking more about it, this year has had its list of ups and downs. I read something Mommom told my mom this week. Let go, Let God. Between my mom's breast cancer, my sister's drug addiction, my grandmother's death, my friend and cousins unexpected deaths, the unknown with my job year to year, the move, and most recently my brain surgery and recovery, I have become a prayer addict. Without my faith and strength, my positivity could have been lost in the whirlwind of a year that my family and I have survived. I believe it is because of Him that I am here today, still with a smile on my face and still with hope that everything will fall into place eventually. :)
"In the center of a hurricane there is absolute peace and quiet. There is no safer place than in the center of the will of God" - Corrie ten Boom
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
"Turned a Corner"
I chose this title for the blog because I have heard my mom say it about 344,593,432 times in the last three days. She thinks I have turned a corner in the recovery which is a great thing! In a sense, I agree with her. Sorry it took me so many days to get back on here, I just felt like I didn't have much to tell. I have had a lot of complainers telling me (or mom or dad) that I am slacking...I apologize! Here you go, the details on my last few days...
Sunday I had tons of visitors from out of town, old neighbors, and cousins. It kept me busy all day and afterward, wore me out. I was in bed very early, but that could be in part due to the fact that I take Tylenol PM now at night instead of my pain medicine.
Monday was the grossest day. Many of you don't know me, but I have self diagnosed myself with a horrible condition...Seasonal Depression. It doesn't matter if it is spring, winter, fall or summer, I HATE gray skies, rain or any kind of percipitation. So, needless to say Monday, I was miserable. I keep joking that my mom and I didn't talk that day. I sat in my "recovery oasis" as I like to call it, and she continued to pack the house. It was NOT my favorite day. Also, I had a lot of pain around my incision. It is still there. It is around the bottom of it and it is a numbing, yet incredibly painful sensation at all times. Everyone that has seen it says that it is a little swollen around this spot and very red. However, we did have a friend that is a nurse come over this past weekend and she said it looked great, so we aren't worrying. Monday did have an upside...The Voice started again! That makes dad and I VERY happy.
Speaking of The Voice, how do these singers choose which coach they want. I wouldn't even begin to know how to choose. Blake Shelton, my favorite country man. He would be my ticket to meet every country singer I ever wanted and maybe help find me a cowboy boyfriend. Usher, he would teach me to dance and maybe introduce me to Biebs? Shakira, I mean come on guys, her Hips Don't Lie AND she's funny. Adam, HOTT...with two T's. Nothing else needs to be said about him. I have expressed this concern to my family the past two nights. Seriously, WHO WOULD I CHOOSE!? My family came to the conclusion...Thank goodness I will never have this dilemma! (Unless this brain surgery somehow improved my vocal cords and rhythm?...wishful thinking!)
Tuesday was also not a great day. I NEEDED to get out of the house. Now that I am feeling mobile and I am functioning more, I am starting to go stir crazy. I talked my mom into going grocery shopping, despite the horrible headache I had over my right eye. I had woken up from the pain in the night and took more Tylenol. When I woke up, the pain was still there. I managed to get through the grocery store, but was ready to get home. I took more Tylenol and my pain medication. I had very little relief and really didn't do much more during the day. My 4-year-old and 2-year-old cousin came over, along with my aunt and grandparents, which made for a nice afternoon. I also had a friend come over to watch The Voice and a movie with me. I can't say enough how much having visitors helps my mood. Even when I am feeling down and not well, visitors have a way of distracting me and making me feel better.
Today was a good day. I got up and took a 20 minute walk with my mom. I couldn't remember if I had taken my pain medicine when I woke up so I decided I would wait it out and see if I felt any different. Mornings are my hardest time. I always feel pain in my neck and shoulders when I first wake up. I have been trying to eliminate the pain medicine. I have got myself down to only taking two a day and Tylenol PM at night. Hopefully by the end of the week, I will only need it in the morning, and by the end of next week, not at all. Long story short, (haha I know none of my "stories" are short) but I didn't take the medicine and did need it mid-morning. I was able to go out to lunch with my mom and her friends and we went for an hour long trip to Kohl's. At the end of my Kohl's trip, I had a very sharp pain traveling right above my incision in the middle of my head. It was very painful and I couldn't wait to get home to get ice on it. I laid around for the rest of the afternoon, but I am still feeling pretty good.
I agree with my mom, I do think I have turned a corner. I go to the doctor on Friday morning and am very anxious to do so. I have so many questions for him. What the heck is this graft that is hiding the hole you cut into my skull? Why do I have this nerve pain that won't go away? Are these sharp shooting pains normal? When can I drive? What should I expect for the last few weeks of my recovery? Do you have any cute nurses or doctors that work here?
I am thinking the worst of my days are over, however I hope that I don't have to live with this new nerve pain forever. I am going to be optimistic and think its just part of the long recovery.
Everyone that I've talked to in the last few weeks already knows my newest fears. When am I going to go back to school? How will I feel when I go back? How will I know I am ready to go back? Teaching isn't like a desk job. I can't go back for a half day. I can't just leave if I am not feeling well. I can't just sit at my desk to rest. Teaching means I am focused, functioning, and "on" all day. I'm afraid I am going to think I am ready, excitedly head back, and not be the best I can be. I also don't want it to seem like I am "milking" my recovery. I know by walking, getting out and doing some things, and sitting up as much as possible will be the only way I know I will have enough endurance for a full eight hour work day. I just need to stay focused on getting better and working on me, I know this. But, just like a lot of other things in life, it is easier said than done, especially without being anxious.
As I said earlier, I will be going to the doctor on Friday morning. I will hopefully have a great update on Friday afternoon! Now it is time to go watch (finally new episodes!!) of The Middle and Modern Family! Prayers for a great doctor's appointment Friday!
Sunday I had tons of visitors from out of town, old neighbors, and cousins. It kept me busy all day and afterward, wore me out. I was in bed very early, but that could be in part due to the fact that I take Tylenol PM now at night instead of my pain medicine.
Monday was the grossest day. Many of you don't know me, but I have self diagnosed myself with a horrible condition...Seasonal Depression. It doesn't matter if it is spring, winter, fall or summer, I HATE gray skies, rain or any kind of percipitation. So, needless to say Monday, I was miserable. I keep joking that my mom and I didn't talk that day. I sat in my "recovery oasis" as I like to call it, and she continued to pack the house. It was NOT my favorite day. Also, I had a lot of pain around my incision. It is still there. It is around the bottom of it and it is a numbing, yet incredibly painful sensation at all times. Everyone that has seen it says that it is a little swollen around this spot and very red. However, we did have a friend that is a nurse come over this past weekend and she said it looked great, so we aren't worrying. Monday did have an upside...The Voice started again! That makes dad and I VERY happy.
Speaking of The Voice, how do these singers choose which coach they want. I wouldn't even begin to know how to choose. Blake Shelton, my favorite country man. He would be my ticket to meet every country singer I ever wanted and maybe help find me a cowboy boyfriend. Usher, he would teach me to dance and maybe introduce me to Biebs? Shakira, I mean come on guys, her Hips Don't Lie AND she's funny. Adam, HOTT...with two T's. Nothing else needs to be said about him. I have expressed this concern to my family the past two nights. Seriously, WHO WOULD I CHOOSE!? My family came to the conclusion...Thank goodness I will never have this dilemma! (Unless this brain surgery somehow improved my vocal cords and rhythm?...wishful thinking!)
Tuesday was also not a great day. I NEEDED to get out of the house. Now that I am feeling mobile and I am functioning more, I am starting to go stir crazy. I talked my mom into going grocery shopping, despite the horrible headache I had over my right eye. I had woken up from the pain in the night and took more Tylenol. When I woke up, the pain was still there. I managed to get through the grocery store, but was ready to get home. I took more Tylenol and my pain medication. I had very little relief and really didn't do much more during the day. My 4-year-old and 2-year-old cousin came over, along with my aunt and grandparents, which made for a nice afternoon. I also had a friend come over to watch The Voice and a movie with me. I can't say enough how much having visitors helps my mood. Even when I am feeling down and not well, visitors have a way of distracting me and making me feel better.
Today was a good day. I got up and took a 20 minute walk with my mom. I couldn't remember if I had taken my pain medicine when I woke up so I decided I would wait it out and see if I felt any different. Mornings are my hardest time. I always feel pain in my neck and shoulders when I first wake up. I have been trying to eliminate the pain medicine. I have got myself down to only taking two a day and Tylenol PM at night. Hopefully by the end of the week, I will only need it in the morning, and by the end of next week, not at all. Long story short, (haha I know none of my "stories" are short) but I didn't take the medicine and did need it mid-morning. I was able to go out to lunch with my mom and her friends and we went for an hour long trip to Kohl's. At the end of my Kohl's trip, I had a very sharp pain traveling right above my incision in the middle of my head. It was very painful and I couldn't wait to get home to get ice on it. I laid around for the rest of the afternoon, but I am still feeling pretty good.
I agree with my mom, I do think I have turned a corner. I go to the doctor on Friday morning and am very anxious to do so. I have so many questions for him. What the heck is this graft that is hiding the hole you cut into my skull? Why do I have this nerve pain that won't go away? Are these sharp shooting pains normal? When can I drive? What should I expect for the last few weeks of my recovery? Do you have any cute nurses or doctors that work here?
I am thinking the worst of my days are over, however I hope that I don't have to live with this new nerve pain forever. I am going to be optimistic and think its just part of the long recovery.
Everyone that I've talked to in the last few weeks already knows my newest fears. When am I going to go back to school? How will I feel when I go back? How will I know I am ready to go back? Teaching isn't like a desk job. I can't go back for a half day. I can't just leave if I am not feeling well. I can't just sit at my desk to rest. Teaching means I am focused, functioning, and "on" all day. I'm afraid I am going to think I am ready, excitedly head back, and not be the best I can be. I also don't want it to seem like I am "milking" my recovery. I know by walking, getting out and doing some things, and sitting up as much as possible will be the only way I know I will have enough endurance for a full eight hour work day. I just need to stay focused on getting better and working on me, I know this. But, just like a lot of other things in life, it is easier said than done, especially without being anxious.
As I said earlier, I will be going to the doctor on Friday morning. I will hopefully have a great update on Friday afternoon! Now it is time to go watch (finally new episodes!!) of The Middle and Modern Family! Prayers for a great doctor's appointment Friday!
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