38 hours and counting...

Freaking. Out.

...is an understatement.  As the hours get closer, I am just worried.  I can honestly say I have no idea what I am worried about at this point. 

I was recently talking to my cousin and was telling her how so many things in my life are variables.  My surgery and how long I will be in the hospital, my recovery time, my sister, my parents moving, my relationships, when I will go back to work, etc.  There is no real constant.  Beyond that, I have NO control over any part of it.  NONE.  I can't control the fact that I need surgery.  I can't control the fact that it is pretty standard that after brain surgery I will be out for awhile.  I can't control that part of my skull will be missing.  I can't control that part of my head will be shaved.  I can't control that I will have a huge scar.  I can't control that I have to stay in the hospital.  Beyond surgery, I can't control my sisters actions or decisions.  I can't control the fact that my parents have sold the house and the new house is being built.  I can't control that some of my closest friends and family can't be here with my physically.  I can't control the way people feel.

However, I have been trying to remain positive, as you all know.  I am trying to think of the things I can control during my journey.  I can control my attitude.  I can control the way I preceive information given to me. I can accept the support and positive thoughts that have been sent my way.  I can speak up when I am feeling uncomfortable.  I can choose to answer the phone when my sister calls.  I can look forward to moving to the new house.  I can continue to make people smile as much as I always do.  I can also choose what books I want to read, what TV shows I want to watch, and what exercise I can handle during the recovery. 

I am a lucky girl.  I am lucky that I have Chiari.  I don't have cancer.  I don't have a disease that will kill me.  I don't have to stay in the hospital for a long period of time.  I don't have to have a live-in nurse.  I don't have to have chemo.  I have Chiari.  I am having surgery to correct it.  I will feel better than I honestly can ever remember.  I am lucky. 

That being said, I do believe it is only common for me to sit here and worry.  I think if I sat here and typed that I was totally confident and everything is great and I am just having the time of my life right now, you would all know I was lying.  I am anxious.  I am worried.  I am scared. 

But, I am also brave.  I am optimistic.  I am strong.  I have faith in myself and in God that I will come out of this surgery better, healthier, and happier.  I will be an even better version of myself, which in my opinion, is going to be tough to beat.  I am already pretty awesome...if I may say so myself! ;)

I can't promise tomorrow's post will be as composed and heartfelt as this one.  I can already feel my heart pounding and my eyes getting teary-eyed.  I know though, that no matter what I am feeling, saying, or doing, I can't control this surgery.  I am putting my faith in my surgeon and in God's hands.  I have full trust in both of them, and know that they will take care of me.  Thank you for the continued prayers...