Tingly Lips

I'm struggling to get started tonight.  I have a headache and my lips are tingling.  It sounds silly, but the sensation in my lips makes it feel like pins are actually sticking out of a different spot every few minutes.  It is so irritating.  So it probably is a good thing I don't have a valentine to kiss tonight.  I don't know if I would enjoy it much.

I was lucky enough to have 21 valentines today.  My students took care of me.  I got giraffe (I love giraffes) stuffed animals and figurines.  I got gift cards to Dunkin and Target.  I got more candy than I will ever eat (I am not much of a sweets eater) and got my FAVORITE ... chocolate covered strawberries.  Lots of them.  I know that is a sweet, but they are my weakness.  Seeing all the smiling faces and getting all the tight-squeezed hugs just reminded me how lucky I am to have such a great job. 

As for it being Valentine's Day, I ate dinner with my parents and brother, laid around and watched TV and had to cancel my tutoring due to my headache and tingly lips.  Again, probably just another sign I am not supposed to have a (boy) valentine this year.  I am okay with it. 


As I am typing tonight I am getting anxious.  This week was a great distraction with the pre-op stuff being on Monday and my student's Sweetheart Breakfast being today.  Now that it is all behind me, I am sitting here thinking about the surgery.  Many parents and coworkers and administrators brought up the surgery today.  Tonight I am sitting back and reflecting on all that they said.  Everyone has positive thoughts and supportive words.  But I am sitting here tonight and starting to realize 2 weeks from today, I will be sitting in the Neuro ICU or recovery room (depending on beds is what I am told).  I will be missing part of my skull.  I will have my head partially shaved.  I won't have a headache. 

I am scared.  Out of my mind.  The things I am scared of have changed so many times since the day I found out how immediate my surgery needed to be.   At first, I was scared of telling work.  Then, I was scared of telling the parents and then the students.  Then, I was scared of my recovery time and what the heck I am going to do during that time (that fear is reoccuring).  Last weekend, I was scared of pre-op things.  Today, I am scared of the actual surgery.  Tomorrow...who knows. 

I know I will be okay.  I know I will be healthier than ever.  I know the hospital and doctors will make sure I am in the least amount of pain possible.  I know all of this.  But somedays...I just need to be scared. 

I had no idea this post would turn into a serious one, or that I would express all of the things I am feeling.  I want this to be an outlet where I can express myself, and I guess this post is a perfect example of that.

To my mom, to my best of friends, and to my select few cousins, I share every thought and feeling I have.  However, I am THE worst at confrontation.  Ask anyone.  I hate ordering at restaruants, making phone calls to parents or doctor offices, or asking questions I don't know the answer to...let alone telling ANYONE that I am unhappy or bothered by something.  It is a flaw I have and I know it.  Now, I know this blog is not confrontation.  I can't even see who is reading it.  But, I do feel like I can use it as a chance to relieve my mom, cousins, and best friends from my constant thoughts and fears. 

There are very few constants in my life these days.  Knowing I can come on here and pretty much type whatever my big heart and literally oversized brain wants is a breath of fresh air for me.  It's hard to explain, but I guess what I am trying to say it THANK GOODNESS FOR THE INTERNET...or I would be stuck with a basic "Dear Diary" entry daily.  :)

Needless to say I was typing quickly tonight and was pretty distracted.  So I apologize now for the typos and exceeding the amount of commas that should be allowed in one post.  Tomorrow is Friday, so hopefully my biggest concern tomorrow is what my weekend plans are!